Monklet80,

Yes, very true. Thank you. Yes, I have to separate the two sides. I am a loving caring person and I don’t want to lose that side of myself and become untrusting & bitter. But yes I can NEVER allow him or anyone to plays games with my heart. I am trying my best to continue moving forward. It’s harder some days than others, but I know I will be fine. Thank you.

Butterfly

• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Butterfly.

Anita,

I was not what I would consider mistreated as a child; was my life perfect? By no means. But was I abused etc, No. Were all of my previous relationships perfect? No they were not but, were any of them like I felt in this one? No. Was I mentally abused in my other relationships? No. So YES I would definitely agree that I was STUNNED that a man of this age who told me everything I wanted to hear about how good he would treat me… then turned around and treated the worst mentally & emotionally I had EVER been treated by anyone in my life? Yes, I am/was stunned. I DO think that when I was younger if I was in a “bad” relationship I was quicker to get out and just move on BECAUSE I was young and I figured I still had my whole life ahead of me. I am not OLD now per se but I am not 22 either. I was HOPING when I met this man that this would be the LAST man I would ever be with, we would spend the rest of our lives together and grow old together. I GUESS THAT part was my fault because I believed he wanted the same thing. So, here I am OLDER and wiser but longing to be truly loved BY ONE man who I can love and grow old with. I guess I am fortunate to have not seriously been mistreated in many ways by many people but THIS was the most painful experience of MY life. So I don’t FEEL fortunate. And again I FEEL crazy because I still love and miss him. I miss hearing his voice, his smell, his touch. So I am upset with myself that It’s so hard to let go of a person who MAY not even miss me as well and put on quite an ACT of “loving & caring” for me?! THAT is unfortunate.

Butterfly

Anita,

You’re welcome. He was sometimes unkind & unloving & yes I felt mistreated by him at times. You know how they say “we teach people how to treat us?” Well my major fault was that I saw the read flags in the very beginning and I didn’t walk away then. I had such incredible chemistry & attraction to him that I completely jumped head first into the relationship. When he did mistreat me early on by “ghosting” I would take him back after he apologized and I did it over and over. I am sure after this he had little respect for me because I allowed him to mistreat me yet I stayed. I believed him when he said all the good things. But I disregarded that fact that at least half the time his actions did not match his words. I let him change me in ways; he was a very good manipulator often made me pull away from my friends and family. Again this was my fault because I allowed him to do it.

Butterfly

Hello Monklet80,

Thank you for your reply. Thank you I am trying. I have him blocked but I struggle not to go to my blocked message folder to see if he text. I am secretly hoping he would actually apologize (sigh). Thank goodness I don’t have to see him anywhere we don’t live or work in the same state. Thank you, no he did not treat me well and I need to keep reminding myself of that. I deserve to be loved, & not half heartedly. I am working on it. Thank you again. I pray everyday it gets easier.

Butterfly

Anita,

Wow. Well I guess I can see where you are coming from because I did leave ALOT of stuff out. Its hard to mention everything without feeling like I am writing a novel. Even though this is anonymous I still did not want to put some information in. He did in fact HURT me ALOT mostly with his “ghosting” & hot and cold. He would frequently make dates with me not show up and not call. He did this MANY times though out the relationship with NO explanations other than I was “overwhelmed or sorry I feel asleep.” Many times he would go DAYS without responding to texts or calls which would cause me GREAT anxiety because I would worry about his illness and his health. He did some other things that I wish not to disclose but lets just say he tried to talk me into doing things I was not comfortable doing and would try to make me feel bad about not wanting to do them saying I was closed minded. I left out a lot of the stuff that he texted so I can see where you mind not see how I interested what he was saying as wrong. And YES he DID hurt me deeply I am not projecting anything onto him. I love him and would LOVE to be with him IF he would take ownership for his behavior and work on it. I am NOT perfect by ANY means but I NEVER did anything to intentionally hurt him. I say he “acted” like a sociopath because he looked me dead in my eyes MANY times and promised me MANY things. He told me he loved me and cared for me MANY times but continually “ghosted” on me even after I told him how MUCH it hurt me for him to do so. I NEVER felt like a priority in his life and me made me feel like everyone else in his life was more important than me. He would apologize and then do the same things over and over. He also lied about some VERY significant information about himself that would impact our future together. Like I said I left a lot out. But I respectfully have to say that your perception of the situation is wrong. He is NOT a completely horrible person but he has some horrible ways. He HAS hurt me deeply and BUT I can say all of this HAS made me a stronger person. I am working on myself and my own issues but again he was a horrible person to me in many ways. What I will ask you is this? If you think I am wrong and he has not done anything to hurt me. Do you think by his behavior he actually does love and care about me? if so, I have done no contact with him for almost a month. He has only tested me about 12 times in that time. NO CALLS. When I got upset with him the last time he “ghosted” on me which was the weekend of August 6th. I ASKED him to call me…HE NEVER DID. He has only texted me since, which is why I have no responded. My feeling is if you REALLY love me and care for me HOW can you POSSIBLY go WEEKS without hearing my voice or seeing my face?? So I have struggled with calling him to talk about all of this. BUT I still feel that as MAN if you truly LOVE a woman You WILL FIGHT FOR HER. He has not fought for me. SO hence while I feel like he wasted my life and my time and has hurt me because he KNOWS how much I love and care for him even if I should not. Can I have your perspective on this? Should I contact him and if yes, what should I say??

Butterfly

• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Butterfly.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Butterfly.

Anita,

In the time we were together I only witnessed him have a mild crisis once. He would tell me about other crisis that put him in the hospital but not much. He makes it seem like he does pretty good in “controlling” it as much as he can i guess. But i NEVER did anything to stress him. HE caused all the negative situations in our relationship. I would try my BEST to make him happy. So all of the ups & downs were caused by him. I never understood why he would cause the unnecessary stress on either of us. I have been doing VERY well with NC. I have not responded to ANY of the 12 texts he has sent in the past several weeks. But again I must be honest when I say at times I DO miss him (The nice side) and would liked to be able to have parted ways in a nice way rather than him blaming me for “ignoring” him. He REALLY acts like he doesn’t understand WHY I had to walk away. It’s crazy to me that he see nothing wrong with his actions. he is acting VERY immature. I wish he would just sincerely apologize and change is his, BUT I can’t concern myself with that I know. I just hate still caring about his well-being. I am so confused about whether he actually cared for mine at all. If he doesn’t care about me at all why won’t he just leave me alone and if he does why won’t he just leave me alone and stop being mean or just swallow his pride and apologize?

Butterfly

CMI,

I did get and read your response which is very insightful. I had a busy weekend and no change to respond. I will definitely respond tomorrow. Thank you.

Butterfly

CMI – Thank you

Also ANITA if you could chime in on this.

So again, I know this was not a healthy relationship. (Push/Pull, Hot & Cold, “Ghosting” But other than that he was never “ABUSIVE” per se. Not Physically ever. Emotionally I guess. And although I KNOW he is damaged and likely emotionally unavailable he does have SOME good qualities: funny, smart, handy, a great cook, etc. We could and used to talk for HOURS about everything under the son (one reason I stayed so long). So I say all that so say this: I am still doing no contact and today will make three weeks on my end. I am trying my best and I believe well on my way to 30 days (or more) no contact which I have never done before. My question is: Once he is OUT of my system completely and I can look at him for WHO he really is. Can I ever be “friends” with him? Like start over (NO PHYSICAL contact of course) but occasional texts or phone calls just to chat? One thing I did not mention before is he has a deadly disease and I would HATE to not know if he passed away. I know it’s crazy that I still care but I do care about him as a person (I am overly empathetic) I am a true Pisces! Please any feedback from anyone would help. Thank you!

Butterfly