I think that you don’t have to like her one little bit. I think it’s crazy when people try to obligate others to get along. Sometimes personalities just clash. Sometimes people in the same birth family don’t get along, never mind in-laws!

I think what you do have to do, for your own sake and that of your family, is at least behave respectfully and politely towards her when you do see her.

I think that she has to do the same as well, and your husband has to support you in this if she crosses the line.

Ignoring you or disrespecting you in your own home is not acceptable.

So if I were you, I would take some time when your Husband is relaxed and in a good mood and tell him you want to talk about the situation with your Sister-in-law. Tell him that you want to draw a line under what has happened between you in the past and start afresh. Tell him that to reduce tension, when you do see her you want it to be on neutral ground as much as possible, e.g. at your Mother-in-Laws. Tell him that for his sake and your Sister-in-Laws you think it would be better if the two of them did not discuss you as this leads to misunderstandings and extra tension. Tell him that given that he is your Husband you expect him to have your back and not allow her to behave disrespectfully, particularly when she is visiting your home. This means acknowledging your existence and just generally being a polite house guest – which she should be anyway.

Tell him that from now on you will be super polite and civil towards her, and that you are going to forget all the difficult things that have gone before.

Don’t tell him that you love her, that you are going to try to be her BFF, because it’s wrong of him to expect that of you.

Then, if he responds positively from that point on stick to your word. Don’t back bite about her to him or bitch about her to anyone else.

When you do have to see her, stick to your word. Be polite and courteous but don’t try to be her best friend or do anything that you don’t really feel. If you try to be more friendly then you feel she will probably sense you are being false anyway.

If she tries to get a rise out of you or provoke you, ignore it. Just respond with a smile and get yourself out of the situation.

I hope that by doing this you will be living down the bad stuff that happened in the past, while not being a push over. You will also be taking the higher ground in this very difficult situation.

In your heart you may feel frustrated, annoyed by her presence and angry about this whole situation, but that feeling probably isn’t going to go away anytime soon, so the most you can do is damage limitation.

I hope you can find some peace with this situation.

I think that they do love you.

I also think that they are being typical teenagers. This doesn’t excuse their behaviour but that is probably the main reason for it.

If I were you I would treat them like children. That is how they are behaving.

They make the comments because they are struggling with hormones and confusion about their own place in the world and it makes them feel better to put you down.

They see you react to them, so don’t react. Be as cool as a cucumber.

I would refuse to respond to every negative remark. Just meet them with total silence, don’t even make eye contact. If they ask you why you are not responding say something along the lines of ‘I don’t respond to disrespect, when you are ready to treat me with respect I will be here for you’. Don’t say it in a preachy way, don’t be ‘holier than thou’ just be matter of fact and cool.

I would also limit my contact with them as much as is physically possible. Don’t give them your attention until they treat you better.

I hope this situation improves.

Hello Andre,

I agree with what Debb says. I’m just an ordinary housewife so I am by no means an expert in these situations, but it does seem it would be helpful to you if you set yourself some clear boundaries.

Can I suggest that you do some reading on the Captain Awkward website. http://captainawkward.com/

Captain Awkward is a women who writes brilliant advice about setting boundaries. The basis of her thinking is that we feel awkward standing up for ourselves and having emotionally difficult conversations, because we are taught that this isn’t polite or what nice people do. This is not emotionally healthy for us or for others. She writes great advice about changing this behaviour and even provides word for word ‘scripts’ that you can use when you are standing up for yourself.

Reading between the lines of your post, I have made an assumption. I am assuming that you feel a little guilty for having boundaries. Is that correct? If so, you shouldn’t. You have a right to your feelings and to be treated with respect. You are the master of your own time and it is up to you who you choose to spend it with, or how you choose to spend it. Captain Awkward is a great reader on that subject too!

Having read your comment it also seems to me that you are really burning the candle at both ends. I understand that your education is expensive and you need to work but is there anyway you can cut down on some of your commitments? You must be exhausted dealing with all of this emotional difficulty while doing all of this work.

I wish you well.

I’m really glad that things are looking better for you.

You are kind to say I am smart. I’m not at all, it is just so much easier to see your way around other people’s problems because I am viewing them from a distance and objectively. I wish I could deal with my own life that simply!

What you wrote in your most recent comment reminded me of something I was told that one of the teachers in my tradition used to say. He used to say ‘Be gentle with yourself’.

I think there is a lot of wisdom in that and I really think you need to be gentle with yourself and just let go of this situation. You’ve made it clear that you are a perfectionist and it does seem like you are just beating yourself up. You are a human being with all the flaws that go with that. You had some feelings, it’s natural. You are trying to move on, so be gentle with yourself.

I have also read somewhere that we have to learn to forgive ourselves before we can forgive others. I think there is a lot of wisdom in that too. I think that if we can’t forgive ourselves it’s because we hold ourselves against a too high standard of perfection or perfect behaviour. We think we should be doing this or thinking that and we berate ourselves if we don’t.

This has at least two negative outcomes. Firstly we get stuck in a negative spiral in the way we think about ourselves. This is unwise because it makes us feel rotten and it is demotivating. It’s hard to do anything positive when we are constantly putting ourselves down.

I also think that if we can’t forgive ourselves, we can’t forgive others because secretly on some level we hold them to the same standard that we do ourselves. If we do that not only are we going to never move on from negative situations, but in the future we are going to be constantly disappointed in others too.

That was a rather long winded way of saying, don’t be so hard on yourself! I hope you can be kinder to yourself.

I’ve never been in this situation and though I am married I haven’t been married for as long as you have, so please understand I am a novice and that when I give you advice it is from my own modest resources.

I’ve read what you’ve written a few times and what I can see is that while he has committed misdeeds in the past, he has basically been good to you. He has been faithful to you, he provides for your materially and he is good to your children.

With that in mind I have to ask, has he really lied to you? He made vows to you which he has kept. He presented himself as a ‘good’ human being who would treat you well and he has done so. In that way he hasn’t cheated you or represented himself dishonestly.

It isn’t clear from what you have written, but did you sit down and have a conversation where you said ‘Have you ever had an affair’ or ‘How many people have you slept with’ and then he gave you a dishonest representation of the facts? If that is the case, then yes he has lied and I can see why you are angry. In that case he has shaken your trust and that is hard to get back.

If not, if you didn’t ask him specifics before your marriage then really he hasn’t lied to you at all. I acknowledge that he hasn’t been straight forward either and it would have been better and wiser for him to clue you in on his past.

It seems at the route of this situation is that you are uncomfortable with the nature his past actions rather then with the issue of deceit? Am I correct to assume that?

So lets say that we hypothetically rewind the clock back. He offers marriage but reveals everything he has done in the past. You are horrified and you say no and you go your separate ways.

Would the future have been any better? You may have found someone else, but there is no way to be certain of that. Maybe you would have found someone, but as most of us have baggage it is likely they would have come with their own set of problems. You wouldn’t have the lovely children you have now. Perhaps his future wouldn’t be bright either. Perhaps he would be with someone who didn’t support him and would fall back into his negative ways?

I would try to focus, mentally, on the fact that your husband appears to be repentant for the past. The fact he has changed his ways suggests strongly that he is striving to be a better man and I think that is admirable. I would focus on feelings of gratitude for the things he has provided you with both material and emotional.

If you can, talk to him, but do it calmly and without anger or bitterness so you don’t drive him away. Talk to him about how he feels about what he has done.

I truly hope you can save your marriage and your inner peace.

I agree with what Lisa Humphries says, we do need to set the example to our children of looking after ourselves.

For me it’s having a bath or playing a computer game when I get time.

Sorry to hear you are having problems.

I’m afraid I can’t suggest any videos or the like as I have never encountered any.

Isn’t distrust an emotion? You seem to feel that a lot from what you have described here. You also seem to feel a lot of fear, based on the what you describe as not wanting to be vulnerable.

I say the above not to suggest you don’t have a problem with emotions, just to suggest that you might not be as far removed from experiencing them as you think you are.

I wonder if you are a low key sort of person who isn’t given to big highs or massive lows? Are you just the mellow sort?

I know you are against professional help, but here is my two cents on that. I have had two types of therapy and I didn’t feel particularly vulnerable. It was sort of the opposite in fact. Therapists are just strangers that you pay. They form a professional relationship with you which has very clear and defined boundaries. It’s probably the least vulnerable position in which you can open your heart to a person or set of ideas.

What is it that you think you are missing out on and what do you hope to achieve if you do start experiencing emotions?

I hope you find a solution Graham.