Great idea. I have tried to join.

I was once in your position.

I had gone to visit a friend who seemed to have it all. A great career, great friends and an interesting future.

By comparison I felt stifled, boring and directionless.

Like you I didn’t enjoy the feeling. As you have done, I decided to make a few changes in my life. I became more social and focused on finding a husband.

Years down the line my friend and I are now in different positions. My efforts have borne fruit. Sadly my friend, through no fault of their own, is in a very difficult and unhappy position and does not enjoy the advantages I have. That’s just the random cruelty of life really.

Personally I think you are dealing with your feelings really well. You have recognised that things are perhaps not quiet as you want them and you are making changes to rectify that.

I think perhaps all you need is a bit of patience and perspective. At the moment, in your own opinion, you are in a bit of a rut. Life will throw you and your friends all sorts of surprises and challenges and it’s possible you will be the one who is feeling content in years to come.

Don’t let negativity undermine you and be gentle and compassionate towards yourself.

I think Jeff has some great points.

It seems to me that you can’t have him in your life the way you feel about him right now and that a break would do you a great deal of good.

I think you have to focus not on having a life without him, but what your life might be like if you keep putting all your energy into sustaining this relationship and keeping him in your life.

From the little that you have told me, he seems somewhat selfish and immature. You’ve already told us he is unfocused and doesn’t know what he wants from life. If he is 8 years older then you he must be approaching 30 which is pretty old to be so directionless. Those sort of characteristics are easier to tolerate when you are young and have lots of opportunities ahead of you, as you do, but they are a nightmare when you are older and you want a partner who will settle down or even marry and have children.

Perhaps instead of viewing this situation as loosing someone you love, look at it as letting go of a painful situation in order to find someone that you can build a proper life with. Maybe you could try viewing it as a process of removing obstacles for a more positive future.

I hope that you find some peace of mind with this situation.

It seems to me that whoever this person is, they have extremely unreasonable demands and expectations. If this is how they relate to the world and the people around them I’m not surprised that they have so many problems.

You are not responsible for this person or their problems. You don’t owe them anything. They don’t own you or your time. They don’t get to define what being a good friend is.

Let’s look at it like this. Let’s say this person rings you in the middle of the night and says , Life Seeker I need £50,000 right now. You wouldn’t give them it I imagine? Even if they begged. You would probably feel frustrated and hurt too. So lets imagine you say no and explain that you don’t even have £50,000 and even if you did you couldn’t give it all to them because you need your money to take care of yourself. So you say to this person that you can give them £10,000. You can’t really afford this amount, but you feel guilty so you do it anyway. This person gets angry and bitter with you, calls you a bad friend and berates you for giving ‘only what you can’.

Ridiculous isn’t it? Yet this is exactly what this person is doing.

Your time and your life are precious, more so then money, and you are the only one who can decide how you spend them.

I feel that you need to continue down the very sensible track you have begun on. You have drawn some boundaries with this person and it seems to me that you should redefine them and reinforce them.

I would speak to them next time this issue comes up between you. I would say to them that you care for them a lot and want them to be happy, but that you cannot continue these marathon telephone sessions. Say to them that you want to hear from them but that you can only speak to them at certain times and then set times that are acceptable to you. So for example between 8pm and 10pm on Wednesdays.

If they come up with excuses, criticisms or other ways to try and have a dig at you and make you feel guilty, don’t accept it. Stick to your position. Create a script beforehand if you need to. If they keep pressing just say ‘I’m sorry that you feel that way, but this is what I need to do.’

Don’t make excuses or justify yourself. You need no justification other then this is your life, your time and you are deciding what to do with it. Don’t get drawn into making excuses about what you are doing with the rest of your time. Don’t justify it by saying ‘I need to be at a meeting’ or ‘I need to be studying’. You are perfectly entitled to be sitting around staring at your navel the rest of your evening.

Also don’t get drawn into ‘but you did this in the past’. That was then, this is now and relationships evolve. Good friends understand that our lives change us and that this in turn changes what we can give to others.

If you want to try and make something positive out of this for your friend, suggest that you try and do some more fun things together. I think it would be best to avoid going for meals or drinks as this could just evolve into more marathon ear bashing sessions. If your friend is willing try focusing on an activity that has a time limit such as playing a sport or seeing a film. If you are not geographically close maybe try online gaming or something like that. Make sure that it has a clear start and end time and make sure your friend is clear on this.

I would also suggest that you encourage your friend to seek professional help to resolve these difficult issues.

I also feel that for your own good you need to work on your self esteem and the issues that you appear to have around not being assertive enough and how easily this person has been able to make you feel guilty. Why does this person have such a hold on you and why is it they have been able to make you feel that you owe them your complete obedience and service even at the expense of your mental and physical health?

I also feel that if your friend continues to behave in this negative way you need to ask yourself if you really want to continue this relationship? From the little you have told us your friend seems to have very little respect for you, your time or your welfare and seems to be much more focused on their own.
If things don’t change you may need to look at ending this relationship.

I really hope this has helped you to achieve some of that clarity you were looking for!

Congratulations on your internship.

It sounds to me like you could get some benefit out of going to see a therapist to help you with this issue. It might be worth going to see your GP first too.

Firstly I would say, don’t put too much pressure on yourself. You don’t have to be a social butterfly if you don’t want to.

Why not just take it one step at a time? You could set yourself the goal of visiting one new place a week. You could aim to visit at a time when you feel safe, say mid-afternoon on a weekend, for a limited period of an hour or so.

It might help you to reduce your anxiety if you plan your trips in advance. You could print out a map and trace your route on it. You could make sure you have any public transport timetables that you need too. If it helps you could also do a virtual walk of the place you are going to see using Google Street View.

It might also be worth using a site like Meetup.com to see what socialising groups are available in your area.

I hope you have a great summer.

I’ve read your post a few times and I find it hard to work out from what you have written, what it is you genuinely feel.

I wonder what it is that you expect from love and what you think love is. You describe yourself as being ‘attached emotionally’. Is that love to you or not? Only you can work that out for you.

I think you have to let go of your feelings of guilt towards her. You both entered the relationship on equal terms and we all know that we are at risk of being hurt when we start dating. She knew this too.

Getting into a relationship with someone doesn’t make you a bad person. Breaking up with someone because you are no longer happy doesn’t make you a bad person. Nearly everyone does one or the other at some point in their lives, often several times. It’s just life.

I think it would be very unwise to make your decision from a position of guilt. I think it would be best if you put that feeling aside.

I also think it would be wrong to make the decision through a lens of ‘what if nothing better comes along’.

You clearly see the need to make a decision about this reasonably quickly and you are correct. I think it is important, especially for her, that you are clear. If you do decide there is no future in the relationship you need to be definitive with her. Tell her you like her as a person but that it’s over. She must not wait for you and you will never marry her. I think, if you decide to break up, it would also be wise to take a break from communicating with each other for a good few months. I think trying to salvage a friendship out of this will be very confusing for you both and will send mixed messages to her.

You need to decide if you really love her. Ask yourself what it is about your relationship that makes you fear that you might be settling? Is it because you have unrealistic notions of what a relationship is? Do you expect fireworks every time you see her? Do you expect too much in the looks department?

Or are your reasons for feeling you may be settling reasonable? There is such a thing as a good match at the wrong time. It may be that you want to date more women before you settle down. It might be that your attitudes to life, marriage and religion are incompatible which would make it unwise for you to commit to each other. It might be she wants to live in Korea and you want to go to California. It might be that there is just a feeling in your gut that tells you committing would be wrong.

I hope this has helped and I hope that you find a solution.

I am so sorry to read this Jeff. You have been very eloquent and your pain is so clear in your words.

I’m sure there is nothing I can say that can make you feel better as your loss is profound.

I will say however that I don’t think you are right to feel shame. Things happen, people change and circumstances which are beyond our control occur. This can happen to anyone and beating yourself up about it will not help. From what you’ve told us, I can’t see anything that you’ve done wrong in this situation other then ‘being a human being’.

Maybe it’s not a case of looking for the good in this situation. Maybe it is about resolve?

I think perhaps all you can do is resolve to make the best of what has happened? So you could resolve to be the best father you can be. You can resolve to continue to treat your wife with respect?

I think it is also really really important that you resolve to look after yourself. It’s easy in these circumstances to go to pieces and it would be best if you could avoid that. Look after your emotional and physical health as best as you can.

When I was single I came across this book. It was written in the 30’s by a former Vogue editor. It was written for women, but I believe that the advice is very practical and can be of great use for men too. I am married now but I keep a copy of this book by my bedside because it’s so useful, it’s no nonsense, and practical too. You could have a look at the reviews and see if it is worth investing in for you.

http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=ZvYugap0b-gC

I really hope you find peace.