Hello Lupie One,

I’m so sorry to hear how down you are feeling. I agree with Zenhen, suicidal thoughts represent a major health crisis and you should seek help.

I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling down. It is understandable given how many troubles you have been given in the past few years.

I found myself ill-suited to living alone and like you it made me very low. When I was living alone I came across this book. It’s a bit cheeky and irreverent but I actually found the central messages in it extremely useful. Even though I’m now married I still keep it and read it from time to time because I believe it has so much positive energy. It’s a get up and go sort of book which is useful for me because I am often a ‘sit down and flop’ type of person!

It was written by a women in the 1920’s I believe so some of the advice is a little out of date, for example she recommends getting your maid to make you breakfast! However the sentiment behind it is good and some of the tips are very practical.

Another practical suggestion I would like to make is this.

http://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/holidays/working-holidays/

I don’t know, with the constraints placed upon you by your health condition, how well suited this would be, however it might be useful. Basically the National Trust offer ‘Working Holidays’. You go to some National Trust property for a couple of days and your accommodation and food is provided. In return you do some work on the property. For the shorter breaks the costs are not too high, around £80 in some cases, which is far more affordable then a normal holiday.

If you do get to go on one of these breaks it could give you some time away and you could meet some new people.

You may also want to try Meetup.com

http://www.meetup.com/find/

I believe it is free to join and as you live in London I imagine there must be many events happening near you.

So that’s the practical advice part of this reply over with!

I have to second what Zenhen has said about the child rearing thing. I have a little one and I am never able to give my single focused attention to anything. It’s not personal, it’s just how it is.

I also think that you might feel better if you change the way you think about the amount of love in your life. Instead of thinking about the love that you lack, why not focus on the amount of love that you are putting out into the world. For example your volunteer work at the homelessness charity. That action is incredibly loving. There have probably been several times that those sandwiches have warmed someones heart, someone who has nothing and whom the rest of the world ignores. For a moment they were reminded that actually, someone did care about them enough to help, someone valued them as a human enough to give them some attention.

I really hope that you feel happier and stronger soon.

Hi Secret,

I think not having fixed plans for yourself can be positive in some ways. Getting really strongly attached to a certain idea can really bring you down if it doesn’t come to pass.

I think comparing yourself to others is only helpful to a certain degree. It can be good to keep a check to see if we are achieving what we want for ourselves. But if you start thinking Person A has X and Y and I don’t, you can get stuck down a path of following other people’s goals instead of your own.

Maybe you need to think about what it is you want for yourself before you try making a plan.

Hi Secret,

I’m not really sure what you are asking. What is that you mean by ‘projections’?

Hello Dee,

I’m sorry to hear about your relationship troubles.

It seems to me that there isn’t a great deal you can do right now. You only sent the email this morning. He may need much more time to reflect on the contents of your email and to think about what it means for him.

I can appreciate that it is hard for you to wait as this is a very painful situation.

When he does get back in touch with you, I think you need to listen very carefully to what he is saying. Don’t try to look for hidden meanings or allow what you want to be true to blind you to what he is actually saying. It seems like he has given you some very mixed messages in the past.

If it does come to pass that the two of you go on a break, instead of being broken up, I think you need to take the time to think about what you want. Do you really want to be with a man who cheated on you twice? Do you trust him? Can he give you the sort of life you want to lead?

I really hope that you can find health and happiness.

Hi Kumo,

I’m sorry to hear you are having such anxiety.

You probably would benefit from seeing a professional therapist. Therapy can be very useful for talking through issues such as these.

There are some hard truths that we all have to accept. One of them is that we cannot always rely on others to be there for us. This includes family members as much as it does friends. Relationships are constantly in flux. Some will grow, others will wither.

I think the trick is learning to live with that doubt and be happy despite it.

Human beings are social animals by our very nature. Our fear of being rejected and not part of the group runs deep because it is a key survival instinct. I think you will get very frustrated with yourself if you keep trying to get to a point where you feel no anxiety around this, because I think that is unattainable for all of us.

What you want to avoid is allowing this anxiety to overwhelm you to the point where you become non functional.

If I were you, I would stop trying to work against my own nature. It seems to me, from what you have written, that you are a quieter person who enjoys socialising one on one or in smaller groups of a couple of people. There is nothing wrong with this at all. Some of us are quiet, some of us are more gregarious. We need a balance of these different sort of people in society or there would just be a lot of people shouting at each other!

So I would suggest that at the times you are feeling a bit overwhelmed, try socialising in smaller groups or on a one on one level. Invite your friends for a coffee or cup of tea, or a stroll in the park. Just low key activities that you enjoy.

When you are in situations where you are socialising in larger groups, don’t feel bad because you are not the life and soul of the party. I think it was Jane Austen who described a dinner party as being very successful because, and I’m paraphrasing here, ‘it was made up of those who would talk and those who would listen’. It strikes me that you fall into the later group belonging to those who would listen.

So I would try to focus on your good qualities. Be the person who listens to others! There certainly are not enough of those to go around and you will be very popular if you do.

Finally I wouldn’t put too much stock into whether or not people respond to texts, Facebook messages and emails. It seems to me that because these are relatively new inventions we are all unclear what the etiquette is around responding to these.

I think it is very likely that when people don’t respond, it is not because they don’t like you or that they are being malicious, but that they are busy or forget. I imagine this happens 9999 out of 10,000.

We all need to get out into the world and start responding to each other in person more.

I wish you the best

Hello Bellamoon,

I’m sorry to hear of your struggles.

I am married and I also have a mental illness. In my case it’s Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Having a mental illness is a strain on all your relationships including romantic ones.

The way my husband and I deal with it, at the moment, is through lots of communication. I have been very honest with him about my condition and I have told him about how I feel and how it effects me.

However I think my husband finds it easier to accept because I am actively doing something about it. I have had treatment and I’m now looking after my health in a way that helps to manage my condition.

I think he would feel very frustrated and upset if I didn’t try to do anything.

I feel that you have to sit back and reflect on what sort of life you want to lead. Do you want to marry? Do you want to start a family? If so do you want to be a stay at home Mum? Do you want to own your own property? Travel? Start a business?

Perhaps then you have to decide, is the sort of life I can lead with my current partner, if nothing changes?

I would imagine that when you decide what it is you want out of life then you can move to a place of acceptance.

I wish you all the best.

Hi Jane,

I’m sorry to hear you are having such a tough time.

Before reading the below I would strongly advise you that if you think you are in danger because of your panic attack, seek immediate medical help. It is probably advisable that you are not alone at this period in time.

I have a mental illness, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, so I have some idea what it is like to deal with anxiety. I am no expert however and what I write is just based on my own life experience, so take it all with caution.

Have you been having any therapy to help you deal with your anxiety? I truly believe that it can be helpful in these situations. Therapies such as talking therapies or CBT can do wonders if you are dealing with anxiety.

As regards meditation, I can only speak for myself but I have found that when I am anxious it is the opposite of helpful. The purpose of many forms of meditation is to observe your thoughts, or a single thought or to clear your mind. I found this very counterproductive when I was in an anxious state because I just ended up focusing on the thoughts of anxiety and this got me in a complete state.

With this in mind, I suggest that you seek out a proper qualified meditation teacher who can sit down with you and discuss particular types of meditation that may be helpful to you. Do your research and make sure that you choose someone with proper experience, not some fly by night hippy dippy person.

When I am anxious I find the best thing is to try and distract myself. I watch TV I enjoy or play games. Nothing too stimulating, just gentle distracting things. Sometimes I even doodle and write poems.

This distracts me until I am tired enough to fall asleep and I usually find that my panicked state has passed.

You can and will get through this.

With strong wishes for your health and happiness.