Hi Rick,

I think it depends on the circumstances and your relationship with the person.

I once knew someone who was sarcastic and teasing, but coming from them it was a mark of affection. The more this person liked you, the more likely they were to tease you. Also they would take a lot of sarcasm and teasing back. It was the way they playfully related to the world. It never bothered me because I knew that the intent behind it was kindness and affection.

However

There was another person in my life who was the opposite. For them the phrase ‘Many a true word spoken in jest’ was probably written. This person used humour in a cowardly manner, as a shield to hide behind. They used it to hurt and wound and if called upon it, would say ‘Oh you are so sensitive, I am only joking’.

So it’s possible that you find it exhausting because you are misinterpreting what this person is intending. Or it is possible that you find it exhausting because, actually, you are under emotional attack by this person.

Only you can know which it is.

You might want to consider asking this person what they mean next time they make a comment, and see how they react.

Hi Jeff,

I don’t think it is foolish to want to work on your marriage. From what you have written it seems that you still love your wife and want to be married to her, so wanting to save your relationship isn’t foolish at all.

I seems to me that if you want to do this, you’ll have to do it before your trust for her is up to a level that you are comfortable with. Trust at this kind of depth is earned and I think you can only build it back up by spending more time together. I think it will be years in the making.

It’s possible this could all go wrong and your wife will leave you again, but none of us can say if that will or will not happen. What I wonder is whether or not you will be happy if you don’t give this a chance. Will you always be wondering ‘what if I’d tried’? Or do you consider it too painful to go forward. Only you can decide that obviously.

I think it is great that you are in mediation together, but I do wonder if now that you are on the reconciliation path some other form of counseling is needed for both of you? Maybe, maybe not.

I also think it’s great that you see communication as being so important. If I were you, I would want to be clear what she means by being more supportive but pulling back when you are too emotionally intense for example. It seems to me that there could be some overlap there and you need to be clear what she is getting at.

I wish you all the best Jeff.

Hello Laura,

I’m sorry to hear what you have been throw, what a difficult couple of years.

I think you are looking at the situation in a negative way.

Really you have achieved a lot. You got into a bad relationship but you got yourself out again. That takes a lot of strength and insight. You had a work set back, but you are overcoming that now, and you are supporting yourself. That takes courage and bravery.

You’ve done all of this and you are not even 30.

I don’t think any of us go through life without encountering some kind of problems. I think what makes us is how we respond to those challenges. You have shown that you have fortitude so if I were you I would take some satisfaction in that.

I wish you happiness.

Good luck Kristy, I look forward to hearing more about how you are getting on.

Matt is right. Second guessing gets you no-where.

Hello Annika,

I don’t think you can avoid a romantic relationship because it might end in heartbreak. I think if you took that attitude, you would never have another relationship of any kind again.

I also think it is important not to put too much thought into your relationship at this very very early stage. You say that he is all you have wanted in a man, but you hardly know him as you have known him such a short time. Get to know him better, while you can. It might be you decide you don’t like him after all.

Perhaps you will decide that you do like him. Yes it will be upsetting when you are in different countries and can’t see him as often as you would like to. Long distance relationships are hard on everyone.

However if they work, they are worth it.

Your alternative is not to see him and build up this picture in your head of what your life would have been like if you had. You might be filled with regret if you don’t see where this could lead.

I wish you happiness.

Hi Letty,

What do you want?

Do you want to live like you are living now? Does it make you happy? I’m not being facetious here, I’m genuinely asking. For some people this is what they want. They like being non committed and for them, love with a partner is about a lot of ups and downs, changes and trials. If this is what you want, you have to try and move to a place of acceptance where you accept your relationship for what it is.

For others however, the majority I think, what they really want is stability. They want traditional monogamy, a marriage and children if possible.

It seems to me that if you fall into this later group, you have to ask yourself some very serious questions about whether this man is the right man for you. He has already shown that he is comfortable with lying to you and is unreliable. These characteristics are extremely detrimental in a marriage and a man with them is likely to make a bad father.

Sometimes we love someone but we cannot have them in our lives, because what they do to us is too damaging.

I send you love and support and I hope that you find a solution that pleases you.

Hi Nature Fairy,

I agree with Sassypants.

I think you’ve fallen into a trap that a lot of women fall into, where they think ‘If I nurture him and love him, he will become a good boyfriend.’

The chances are that he won’t. You say that you think deep down he is the man you first met. I think the opposite is true in relationships usually. I think that we are often on our best behavior when we first meet someone and then, when we become more comfortable, our true selves begin to show, for better or worse. It seems to me, that this is what you got from this man.

I also think that mental illness is not an excuse to treat someone badly, not to the extent that your ex has done. I have a mental illness, not depression but anxiety, and I admit that it puts a strain on my relationship. Sometimes I’m not as a good a wife as I could be. It’s not however a blanket excuse to treat my husband like rubbish. We deal with my illness by talking about it and for the most part this works.

If I were you I would not see this last 5 months as wasted on a bad relationship but as an investment in your future. I think you’ve learnt some really valuable lessons from this about what you do not want.

I’m also really impressed by how well you have stuck to your boundaries. You’ve made it clear to him that you will not take any more bad treatment from him. That is a really healthy thing to do. I think that if you keep taking care of yourself in the way you have this time, you will have a much happier future.

Wishing you health and happiness.