Hello Ib,

You should move on and never contact him again. He’s made it clear that he isn’t going to give you the answers you are seeking because you have tried to get them many times with no success.

I also don’t think you have much to apologise for. He basically used you for money and dropped you when you were inconvenient. He then didn’t have the courage to admit this. Perhaps he hasn’t admitted it to himself and doesn’t like to reflect on the negative things he has done.

Whatever the case I cannot see that there is anything positive to be gained from further contact with this man. He is not a friend and you are only hurting yourself further by going over old ground.

I think now is the time to start focusing on yourself. You to start taking care of yourself and giving yourself some love and self care.

Hello Lisa,

I am so sorry to hear about all that you have endured.

I really don’t see what action you can take that you haven’t already tried. You are married to an alcoholic who refuses to seek the help he needs despite your support. I can’t imagine what else you could do to persuade him to help himself. I understand that you have a lot to loose if this marriage ends, but unless he starts making some changes it seems to me that you’ve already lost. He may not have left but it doesn’t seem that he is really present either? It’s possible that given time something in him will change and he will one day decide to deal with his demons as you put it. Do you think there are any indications that he will do that anytime soon? It seems like it’s a waiting game until one of you comes to a resolution.

In the meantime I strongly suggest that you seek legal and financial advice about what would happen if you were to divorce. It seems given your circumstances, surely you would get some protection for your home particularly considering the needs of your disabled daughter? It would be very unjust if you didn’t. You wouldn’t have to use this advice of course, but it might give you some peace of mind to know where you stand.

I think its difficult to not be a helicopter parent to some extent because if you don’t bust a gut to get opportunities for your child then they won’t have the chance to learn how to be independent.

Looking back on my own education far far too much of it was purely academic. For example in food education I learnt how to design packaging for food but little about how to actually cook for a family. I was taught how to pass exams and not much more. In my country under the current government it seems that the emphasis is still firmly on the academic.

So if as a parent you just rely on schools to prepare your children for the wider world I think you are going to be disappointed.

I think the best thing you can give them is your time, and that’s what I hope to do for my child.

Spend time with them in the wider world teaching so that they learn from example. Teach them the basics of how to run a home. Also teach them to think for themselves. If you can give them the opportunity to interact with as many different people as possible, not just kids their own age.

Hi Brian,

Sorry to hear about your sadness.

Is there any chance, if this is happening to you a lot, that you are picking the wrong partners? Do you think there might be some truth in that?

Big hugs to you NK.

It sounds to me like you need to seek professional help for your alcohol issues before you can start work on anything else.

No doubt you are aware that much of your problems stem from your relationship with your parents. It seems to me that a person could become President of the Universe and still feel worthless if they have had highly critical parents.

There are so many things piling on top of other things here that it must feel difficult to know where to start. Can you change jobs? In my extremely limited experience, it’s very very difficult to change the dynamics in your working environment – sometimes the only option open is to leave. I don’t believe in dead-end jobs and I believe the concept of a ‘career’ is a troubling one, but that’s just my stuff.

It seems to me that you need to deal with this one step at a time. I think it would be better for you to get into another job where the atmosphere is better – even if in your eyes its still a ‘dead-end’ job. I don’t think you can focus on your career until you have begun to deal with the other issues you have. At least this way your work environment would be happier if not ideal and you can then spend your energy focusing more on yourself.

I think perhaps you need to sit and think for a while about what your boundaries are. What will you accept from others and what for you constitutes crossing the line? You need to know what you stand for before you can stand up for it.

I hope you find a solution that suits you.

Hello Britt

Sorry to hear you are going through pain.

I think it is still possible to help others without being emotionally ‘sound’ yourself. I think helping others can be incredibly strengthening – provided you look after yourself and give yourself plenty of self care.

I like to visit Tiny Buddha because as a stay at home mum to a little one, it’s hard for me to get out into the community and do any ‘good’. However I’m not by any means perfect or emotionally secure. I have my own issues and baggage.

I still feel I can help people however because other people’s problems are always easier – because I have some emotional distance from them. Because I can look at them dispassionately it’s much easier to help others then it is to help myself!!

I think it’s possible that you might feel the same. Why not go for the certificate after all, you don’t know how much good you might do for someone.

I wish you peace and happiness.