Hi Stephanie, I just saw this thread and wanted to share that you are not alone in how you feel. I have gone through a similar experience in the past (being suddenly dumped, seemingly out of the blue, to find out later that he met someone else while we were together, who he is now married to). I was devastated and unable to recover, much like what you have described. I went to a therapist and very often could not stop crying. I had no interest in anyone else, and no amount of “forcing” myself to get out and be active seemed to help.

I think we have similar backgrounds – I was rejected, ostracized, made fun of as a child, and I did not have any friends for long stretches of life. I felt this acutely and painfully. I was very smart, and did not have social skills to allow me to “fit in” with most/normal kids/people. Having a close romantic relationship later in life was thus extremely important to me – it was everything. Without it, I had no reason to believe I would ever find that again. It took me well over two years to recover from this breakup, and probably three years before I felt like a functional person again.

I don’t really have words of advice for you; very little anyone said to me at the time was able to help. Sometimes, the only way out is through. To get past the pain, you have to go through the pain. It is terrible — but in the long run, I promise you it is worth it. I can tell you are extremely intelligent and deep-thinking. It seems almost no one is that way in the world anymore. It is very rare! I have been so fortunate to have found a few friends along the way who are this way – they are few and far between, but they are out there! And they are essential to me now having a somewhat healthy and emotionally stable life, as well as a very sweet boyfriend (after six years of being single after the last breakup) who I am fully confident in.

I just felt compelled to write to you because I feel like I “know” you – I felt much like you did/do about life and people for a very long time. I have always been “different”. I think I still would feel that way, if I hadn’t been determined and resilient through all my brokenness and pain and all the times I felt fully and utterly lost. Please be determined and resilient, or at least realize that suffering will, eventually pass, at least the acutely felt parts of it, and if you keep trying, life WILL get better. There is much more life ahead of you, even if that’s impossible to see now. And it may take years before the “better” gets here.

If you are ever in the DC area, I would love to have some tea and show you that there ARE people out there who will hear you, see you, and value your incredible capacity for thoughtfulness, reflection, deep thoughts, insight, creativity, and feeling. I really hope that you stay with it, keep feeling the pain as long as it takes, keep trying. I think life will be a whole amazing level of fulfilling for people like you who finally get it right. Sometimes, time is what it takes. I would not go back to my youth or my 20s for anything. In my 30s, things started to come together. Now, at 36, I might actually have found where I “fit.”  I truly believe that you will too.