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Julia

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 44 total)
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  • in reply to: Is he being honest with himself and me? #294817
    Julia
    Participant

    Anita,

    You’re right, it doesn’t matter what he wants, it’s time for me to think about what I want. I’ll try to keep this in my mind as we speak.

    I think this is over.

    in reply to: Is he being honest with himself and me? #294813
    Julia
    Participant

    Anita,

    apologies for my English, not my native language. I meant to say the relationship you describe ā€“ it feels very rational, with hopes and dreams taken out of it.

    in reply to: Is he being honest with himself and me? #294791
    Julia
    Participant

    Anita,

    thank you. The way it reads to me is a bit transactional, ā€œthereā€™s no magicā€, ā€œdonā€™t let your hopes and dreams cloud your visionā€. I do have hopes and dreams that I will find a partner for life.

    He really wants me to see me so we can talk, making plans, etc. I wonder if he wants me to say that Iā€™m in love with him (I will not) or what is it that he wants to hear.

    in reply to: Is he being honest with himself and me? #294783
    Julia
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you so much again. So if I were to summarize: I should continue as I was, talking / being honest / sharing and not putting any labels to it. Dealing with my jealousy, if I want to give us a chance.

    I want to build that deep connection, but it needs to be both ways. He, too, should want that with me. I might be putting all this energy and he might not be wanting anything, just enjoying the attention. How do I know that it’s enough? That I tried and it didn’t work?

    in reply to: Is he being honest with himself and me? #294771
    Julia
    Participant

    Anita,

    thank you so so much! Yes this will help me a lot.

    Example of what I want to share when we talk (tonight or tomorrow): “I wasn’t in a place to give you that deep connection b/c I’m so fresh out of the previous relationship and I still hasn’t processed it, the timing was really off for us. But I enjoy spending time with you and I want to stay friends/ share with each other. I learned so much about myself through this relationship with you.” Don’t want to mention the opportunity for future relationship though.

    Example of what I said before: “Things are always messy with you, are they messy with me?” His response: “No, you seem to know what you want”

    Another: He: “Why didn’t you share about your pain?” Me “Nobody wants to hear about exes. I’m happy to listen when you share, but nobody wants to share” He opened up to me himself about all of his previous relationships, he said a few times I make it easy to share so I regret saying this. But I also don’t want to be put into “therapist girl” box.

    in reply to: Is he being honest with himself and me? #294757
    Julia
    Participant

    Anita,

    Everything you say again makes so much sense to me. Yes, he is confused. Yes, I don’t want (and will not) wait for him to figure this out. However I think me coming off strong and gf-y pushed him away in a sense that he’s still in a process of “looking for a new apartment” (using your metaphor) and wants to keep his options open. Makes sense to me. I thought that putting myself on the line and opening up about my feelings a bit (or not denying them at least), being more confident and direct the way you encourage me will help him see who I am and encourage him to open up. I think it did the opposite, I think he’s not ready. He liked hearing about me “feeling for him”, wanting to have him in my life in any capacity, but the moment I’d suggest anything closer to gf/bf he’d pull away and say “it doesn’t feel right”, etc. I think he’s still shopping around.

    Now, we had a call a couple days back where I said I want to stay friends no matter what and I want to talk. He became more responsive over text, supportive when I was on the turbulent flight (I have bad flying anxiety) and called me “honey” (he never did that before). So, even if in general I agree, confused people are drawn to confident people (thus my behavior above, encouraging and inviting to open up), but I’m not sure he appreciated that, again it seems like it pushed him away. When I said I was going through a lot of emotional pain fairly recently, he asked me why didn’t I share? It almost feels like he wants to relate to me, and that draws him closer to me.

    I do think there’s a chance for us to develop into deep connection he’s seeking. I don’t think (and I don’t believe) he had that sense of connection with the person he hooked up with. I think he was feeling rushed (as I was giving him “gf” vibes) to make a decision on what this is between us and it wasn’t enough for him to develop the deep connection. It just wasn’t enough time and enough for me to process my breakup.

    What do you think?

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Julia.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Julia.
    in reply to: Is he being honest with himself and me? #294737
    Julia
    Participant

    Anita,

    based on everything I told you about my situation with the most recent guy, whoā€™s pulling away from me – do you think he has feelings for me? Do you think he was / is falling in love with me? If yes – what should I do to give us a chance?

    you said he was discouraging me from pursuing him as bf? Why do you think it is?

    Thank you for all your help.

    in reply to: Is he being honest with himself and me? #294727
    Julia
    Participant

    Anita

    they both are from the same country (not the country Iā€™m from and not the country we all are living in right now), so I pointed it out.

    in reply to: Is he being honest with himself and me? #294707
    Julia
    Participant

    Anita,

    please see my answers:
    The men in your long term relationships,

    -was each man interested in you right from the beginning? Yes
    -were they all from your country of origin? First two, but not the last one (5 year)
    -were there arguments/ fights within each relationship and breaks before the final break? In first and last
    -if there were breaks within each relationship, who pursued whom to resume the relationship? In first he pursued, but I was already interested in my next bf. In last, I did

    2. During these long term relationships did you have side-relationships with other men, from time to time? Did the men? Only my first bf kissed another girl toward the end of our relationship. I had an emotional affair during my last relationship.

    3. You wrote about the current guy: ā€œI admit I was losing interest at times, especially when my friends were saying heā€™s not a guy for meā€- what did your friends say made him not the guy for you? Just that i can do better, Iā€™m out of his league, it was supposed to be a casual fling

    4. You wrote about the current guy: ā€œwhen I noticed he started being all ā€™emotionalā€™ I felt like heā€™s not that interesting, too available, just another guy who feel for meā€
    ā€“ what made the three men in your long term relationships not ā€œjust another guy who feel for meā€? I guess I was attracted to them as well
    ā€“ was your father, when you were a child, a guy who did not feel for you? Or was it your mother? Neither, I had a loving childhood

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Julia.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Julia.
    in reply to: Is he being honest with himself and me? #294609
    Julia
    Participant

    Anita,

    I’ve been rereading your post from this morning and thinking… I disagree with your assessment of me, that I will lose interest in him as soon as I realize he’s into me.

    I do tend to start the relationships on rebound, because I don’t want to be alone. I admit that myself and I will be learning to not to do that. But what I can’t disregard, is that I continue the relationship with my men and I fully and wholeheartedly commit. If they do respond with love and care I do the same. My first relationship lasted 2,5 years, second – almost 7 years, third – almost 5 years, and I still love this last man. I tried to make our relationship work until the end, until he walked away from it.

    So no, I disagree that if this guy we’ve been talking about, reciprocates my feelings, and develops the deep connection with me (if he hasn’t already) I will leave him. I disagree.

    I put myself on the line, I was vulnerable with him, letting him know I was jealous and I cared. I think I regret opening up now as it seems like pushed him away.

    But the question still stands: does he feel something for me and doesn’t want me to pursue him as bf (if so ā€“ why?) or does he not and we don’t have a chance and I should pull back and suffer yet another heartache?

    I still wonder.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Julia. Reason: typos
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Julia.
    in reply to: Is he being honest with himself and me? #294511
    Julia
    Participant

    Anita,

    Iā€™m so sorry, I didnā€™t mean to suggest I didnā€™t want to communicate with you further. In fact, your thoughts and insights you shared are so on point and speak to me so well, that Iā€™m both excited (because I get to know the truth) and hopeful. You give me hope because not knowing the truth and be in the dark is worse than knowing the truth even if it hurts.

    I see youā€™re being spot on in all your observations. Thatā€™s exactly what hurt me – because you seem to just see it the way it is. And if I am that monster who uses other people and feelings to make themselves feel better, thatā€™s very very upsetting. But maybe thatā€™s also true? Thatā€™s the way I am? I hate myself right now.

    I want to apologize to him for everything.

    in reply to: Is he being honest with himself and me? #294499
    Julia
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, how do I address a post to you? And I assume you donā€™t want to communicate on this subject anymore?

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Julia.
    in reply to: Is he being honest with himself and me? #294495
    Julia
    Participant

    Thank you for all your help. I wish you well too.

    in reply to: Is he being honest with himself and me? #294489
    Julia
    Participant

    Anita,

    I was never intending to end this relationship with him, itā€™s his wish. My purpose stated above.

    in reply to: Is he being honest with himself and me? #294483
    Julia
    Participant

    I want to spend my last three happy days with the man Iā€™m falling for.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 44 total)