Ha, sorry about the many typos…

Thanks all for your comments, they are helpful. Sometimes it’s useful just to have a soundboard for what one’s thinking.
I agree I miss having a connection with people. Not unique to me, but that sense of belonging has always been a strong motivator for me. Having felt like an outsider my whole life has only made that urge to belong greater (not that I don’t really enjoy being an outsider at times).
Over the years I’ve come up with my own ‘simplified unified theory of life’ (sounds grandiose, no?) Just a simplified way for me to make sense of the whole thing. What I’ve come up with…
Life really is just three parts-
1. The Mechanics of Life- From learning how to tie your shoes to work an ATM Card to paying insurance- the knowledge that most need to operate in the world as an adult. Much of our time is spent dealing with this part. (My wife lives in the mechanics of life, to the exception of the other parts. Don’t misunderstand, my wife is a truly good person, probably better than me. She’s got her own damage that gets in her way, like anyone else. My two entranged kids were way, way out of line at time as well- they were mostly at fault for the conflicts with my wife and me; we our course bear some blame too)
2. The Purpose(s) of Life- Why one gets out of bed in the morning- could be a job, family, your dog, God, training for a marathon, growing an award winning rose. For me, my purpose has been my wife and kids for over twenty years. With my kids needing my support less and less now that they’re old enough, I feel I don’t have much purpose. Something for me to work to discover, but I admit it is depressing to acknowledge I don’t have a lot of purpose now. I have had a steady and good job for many years now, and am in a supervisory role at this point. My job does provide a modicum of purpose, but my gut feelings tell me I need more and/or better purpose.
3. The Happiness of Life- This one is easy for anyone to relate to, I think. From day to day enjoyment of things in one’s life, to friends and family, vacations, special events. I’ve had all of that at one point or another- why most of it stopped is a mystery. I am trying to work on small things I enjoy, and trying to involve my wife when she’s willing. We’ve never really been on vacations- we’ve talked about going here and there, which is a positive start. Also trying to do smaller things close to home- all good, but far to infrequently for me. My work is of a scientific sort, but I do enjoy art, music and sports. I’m pushing myself to try to go out and involve myself in those things I enjoy- that inertia to get started is always a tough one. I am an impatient person, and a natural troubleshooter/perfectionist, so I see problems to be addressed and want to jump in and fix them. Sometimes I push to hard and fast, but I really feel time moving quickly, so seems there’s no time to lose. I’m working on trying to be in control of my own happiness and not depend on someone else to make me happy. Part of my being happy, though, is sharing that with someone else. Life is just so complicated- too complicated to figure out. Not breaking any new metaphysical ground there!

Now I know a lot of people, same as anyone, but I really don’t have any friends. Not saying that to be self-pitying, just trying to assess the situation clearly. My friends have been my wife and kids. My wife still is my best friend, though that doesn’t mean we have a great relationship. There are twelve people that I really value- my five kids, my wife, my parents and brother, and three old friends who live out of state from me. In a perfect world, my relationships with all twelve would be great. As it’s not a perfect world, two of the kids are estranged, as are my parents and brother. My old friends are still that, but being a thousand miles away limits what those relationships can be. So, that leaves my wife, and the remaining three kids (my daughter and my two step-children). Relationships take two people- I try not to spend too much energy on those who currently don’t want a relationship with me. So, I focus on the relationships with those remaining four people.
Unsurprisingly, my relationship with my wife is the trickiest. It’s all pretty simple- brutal, but simple- I can accept the relationship as it is, we can both change things to make us happier together, or we can go our own ways. I obsess over this far too much for my own good- all of yesterday seemed to be one long panic attack. I finally did tell myself that there’s no urgent rush to force the issue right this second. Rather than approach her with my list of complaints, demands and ultimatums, maybe in the course of the next couple months I can offer to my wife that we make a conscious effort to improve our relationship.
I do try to keep positive- I’m actually a suprisingly positive person. Every relationship with anyone, though, has a beginning and an end. I’ve never managed to turn around a relationship moving toward its end (yet). There’s hope I can, but relationships take two people. In the meantime, I’m still working on eating healthier and trying to lose weight. I think I could lose all of the weight if all the relationship drama were lessened, but that may never be the case, so I keep pressing on with trying to take care of myself.
Everyone sees me as strong, never sick or weak, able to carry any load- man that has never truly been the case, and even less so the older I get.