Lady Nadia,

Yeah, that is a rather large lie on her part. I guess, then, what do you really want? If you sincerely wish to let go of her, find a way to tactfully say so, whether by text or in-person or whatever. Perhaps say something like “It seems to me that you’re avoiding me, and that things aren’t what they used to be. If this is the way things are going to be, I cannot be your friend.” Those are likely hard words to write, of course. But your anger and disappointment sound justified, and if she’s fabricated much of her life and isn’t interested in repairing things, you’re probably better off without her in your life.

Losing a friend is difficult, but to me it sounds like you’ve mostly lost that friend already…or rather she, with her behavior and making things up, has lost you :/

Hey lexy99,

I have the same issues. I’ve been single for something like 7 years; last time I went on a date was probably 3 or 4 years ago. I’m still trying the online thing, but it seems the women that are interested in me are not women I’d be interested in, and vice versa. But the few times that it came to “where do we go from here” (i.e. “do you want to meet?”) I’ve felt the anxiety and written things like “just interested in discussing things” or something.

I wrote that because I was doing what you describe: what-iffing. What if I hate her personality? What if I *like* her personality, and then I have to change my whole life to accommodate a relationship?

Your what-ifs all seem to go down a fearful road. It may take some work, but can you replace the fearful what-ifs with positive thoughts about dating, even if you don’t believe the positive thoughts? Stuff maybe like “Ok, I just arranged a date, it makes sense that I’m afraid, but I can do this anyway, and I may even have a good time. At least I will have gone on a date. I can do this!”? Breathing exercises can help as well. Perhaps breathe deeply and think to yourself “I am strong. I can do this”? Making this part of a daily routine can really help; 2 months ago I was a disaster of hurtful emotions, and practicing what I just described as well as being in the moment helped tremendously…I still practice the breathing every night before bed. It’s easier now that it’s become routine.

If you do like him, you can still take it slow if you want to. But I suggest that, when you make a date, you do your best to focus on the fact that you’ve accomplished making one date as opposed to worrying about what might happen afterward. From your words, it sounds like worrying is what you do and what you’re used to. When the worry thoughts come in (“what if I don’t like him, what if I do?”), try to let them roll or slide away from you. Maybe visualize the thoughts evaporating, and then replacing the thoughts with either being in the moment or with positive thoughts like “I can deal with that when or if it happens”.

If you don’t like him, you can be polite at the date, and be assertive later (perhaps online) about how you don’t think it’s going to work out. If he brings it up mid-date, maybe say something like “I’m not sure how I feel about this. I need time to think about it” and get back to him later.

Are you asking about dating more than one person because there’s currently more than one guy you want to date? Given the anxiety you have about one date, I’d take it slow and schedule one date. But if you want to do two dates, I think that’s fine; a date is not a relationship, you’re not beholden to anyone else.

Hope this helps.

To your last post Perry:

I’ve been told the same thing about myself. However, over the years I’ve become more open and more carefree, at least on the outside. I also relate to having to be the man who reaches out to the woman. This however isn’t fair, but it is a societal construct.

How/when do you encounter women? From my own experience, creating a positive sense of self makes the anxiety lessen. Perhaps ask yourself what’s the worst that could happen. Or what’s the best that could happen. Would either of these results mean you’re utterly compromised?

You mention self-confidence as the crux. I agree. It is possible to build self-confidence. I think I wrote a lot about that in my first post. Maybe build yourself up a bit, in manageable pieces. What would a small step look like for you, either in your own confidence or in seeking a woman? Meetup.com has a lot of..well…meetups, where you can join a group and meet with that group around a common interest. It might be scary at first, but if you persist it gets easier.

yoda,

Forgive me for stating the obvious, but you have hit it right on the head: you’re heartbroken. Having your ex wife be with someone else, after 20 years of marriage, is certainly very painful. Grieving about it helps. And you’re right: your heartbreak is not for her to fix. I must ask about the questions you’re asking: you’re asking her questions now that she’s with this other guy? If so, I wonder if you are allowing the wounds to rule you. It sounds like it.

I won’t pretend that I’ve been in this situation. I haven’t. But I do know what it’s like to dwell on something so completely that I wanted to commit suicide. I think that two things may help you: allow yourself to grieve for the loss of your wife in your life. It hurts. You may never get her back. It’s like a death, when someone you love dearly leaves. Grieve, but also practice helpful everyday skills–being in the moment, looking around at your surroundings, distracting with positive coping mechanisms (such as reading, going for walks, exercise). Say to yourself “I can handle this” or “I’m in pain, but I will get through” or whatever other positive statements about yourself…even if you don’t believe the statements. You can try imagery too: imagine yourself succeeding. What would success look like to you? Being free of the suicidal thoughts? Calm?

I don’t know if what I’m about to say will help, but I see a therapist (perhaps seeing a grief counselor or therapist may be a good idea for you?), and about 4 weeks ago he suggested many of the same things I’m suggesting to you, because I found myself up in my head, torturing myself to the point of thinking there’s no way out. If you don’t already practice such things, it’s going to feel awkward and useless probably–that’s how I felt 4 weeks ago. But the more I focused on getting out of the house (positive distractions, like the gym and friends), the more I went to bed each night and practiced conscious breathing (I still do this every night), the more I envisioned me succeeding, the less suffering I experienced.

Sounds like suffering is enveloping you. Try to practice the things I’ve mentioned. Try to honor yourself–you were married for 20 years; she must’ve seen something in you that was good. Try to find that goodness in yourself, and amplify it with practice…but do it for yourself, not for her, if you can. The idea is to soothe yourself…you very much need it. Try not to deny the pain, or temporarily allay it by asking her questions. Feeling your feelings, and building yourself up, will help you.

It took me a week of practicing mindfulness, meditation, imagery etc to see significant improvement in my own situation. Each person is different, and each situation is different. It may take you longer, or it may not. But the important thing is this: there is really only now, and if you’re focused on now, and not thinking about the pain or judging yourself or the situation, you cannot suffer. Being in the moment, the “now”, is typically quite difficult for a lot of people in Western society (myself included), but with practice it can be done.

Best wishes.

Those are good questions raised by Matic. I’m wondering what you can do (or are already doing) to put yourself forward with strength. What thoughts do you have when you go on a date/consider going on one?