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Brigid Elsken Galloway is a journalist and editor whoâs reported for NPR and contributes to various publications and websites. She is also on the faculty of the Institute for Conscious Being. This fall, Brigid published her first collection of essays, entitled The Nature of Things: Twenty-four Stories About Embracing Reality. She blogs at Adventures of a Southern Buddhist Catholic.
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March 29, 2015 at 10:07 am #74588
Brigid Elsken Galloway
ParticipantHey there. I have been where you are. It is a place of stuckness. Good news. You can get unstuck. I did. I had to gain a new perspective though.
Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh wrote a beautiful book called âFidelity.â In it, he writes about being âcaught in the net of romantic love,â what is often called infatuation. For decades I was in love with falling in love â and strangely â that led me to be attracted to men who were emotionally shut down and therefore not able to return my affection â at least not for very long. Iâm sure I appeared to be âtoo needyâ to them. In fact, on the rare occasion when one of these objects of my affection actually bit the hook and wanted a real emotionally intimate (not just physical) relationship, I would hit the eject button. I was afraid of emotional intimacy because I never learned how to be in such a relationship. When the relationship failed, I would mourn its loss the way most people mourn a death. It felt like that to me. I realize now this was part of the roller-coaster ride and I was addicted to feeling those highs and lows. (This is commonly known as âlove addiction.â There are 12-Step programs for it!)
Understanding the root of my attachment was the first step to being able to be honest with myself about my mental and emotional attachment I placed on these men. The relationships werenât healthy (just as the one you had was not â which you recognize.) In fact, my expectations were not based on realistic principles. I refused to see that these men were not available to me for various reasons. Finally, I gave up. Like you, I didnât think Iâd ever find anyone ⊠and like you I finally saw and accepted that my âlogical abilityâ was ânot in control.â
Re-read what you wrote. You know the answer! Wanting to be in a relationship is a very healthy desire. Not accepting the reality that goes with a given relationship makes us dissatisfied and emotionally unhealthy. Still it is so hard to let go of long-held ideas and habits even when we know they are harmful to us!
Hereâs what worked for me: I had to allow myself to see that my idea of a relationship was limited. I began to focus on what was real and healthy for me. And slowly I began to see that I had basically been dating the same guy (type of guy) for decades! Time to end the pattern.
First I redefined what it would me to me to be in a relationship. I read a wonderful book called Centering and the Art of Intimacy (by Gay Hendricks) and it suggested that relationships are not about pleasing the other person or being pleased, but rather they are all about learning about our true selves. That was a huge eye-opener to me. Itâs ok to want to be in a relationship. We need relationships â especially intimate, romantic ones â to help us learn about ourselves. This shift helped me to start seeing things I learned about myself through those crazy, roller-coaster ride, relationships. Sure, I felt like an idiot for not figuring this out sooner, and then I felt like a fool for mooning over guys who werenât even what I wanted in a mate! But ultimately, I knew that I could and would move into a healthy relationship when the time was right. And I did.
A lot of people told me to âlook inside yourself for answersâ or âtake time to work on you.â And although I hated to admit it, they were right. I needed to take a step back and understand fully what was most important to me. No more compromises on those things! For example, spiritual compatibility was very important to me, but I had to know what I believed first before I could possibility date someone with the same sense for life. It took me years to discover this, but once I did, finding the ârightâ man was not hard at all. I also know that this Mr Right canât read my mind or fulfill my every wish or need. I have had to learn how to communicate with him, have compassion for his foibles just as he has for mine, and accept that being in a day-in day-out relationship is going to be less like a roller-coaster and more like a merry go round ride. Less exciting but lots of fun, none the less.
In closing let me suggest a new perspective for you that I learned: Be patient, because every set back is also an opportunity. This guy who switched his number off has done you a great favor. For whatever reason, you hung on to him for 4 years ⊠now you are ready to move on. (Maybe within that 4 years, the right man for you was getting the exact place where he could meet you now.) I agree with Inky, this isnât an ending, itâs the beginning. Bless this poor sap and send him on his way. When you find yourself thinking of him, say a prayer for him and then turn your thoughts to positive actions. You are now open for that next relationship and a chance to learn about yourself and how you can help others in this world.
February 28, 2015 at 11:30 am #73365Brigid Elsken Galloway
ParticipantHi there! This is an excellent topic. Thanks for starting this thread. Like all of you, I was given a set of religious beliefs at birth. There was no room for questioning. I was supposed to have âfaith.â When I did begin to question (the Catholic church and its doctrine) at a young age, I felt like an outcast. I thought I was defective because it seemed all of my family accepted the teachings and loved God, etc. without question. I lived in silent doubt for years.
It took decades âand Buddhist study âfor me to discover a sense of âGodâ that made sense to me. Today, I consider myself âspiritual not religious.â I am one of the âNones,â which compose about 1/3 of US adults today (according to the Pew Center study.)
Like a lot of folks, only when I hit a major wall in my life, did I begin to embrace a need for a spiritual practice and principles. Although strictly speaking, Buddhism doesnât attest to a Creator God, I honestly have a greater sense of a divine presence in my life today than I ever have.
The bottom line is this: The God I was given at birth did not make sense to me. I needed to find a God of my understanding (as they say in 12-Step parlance.) To me that means a source of compassion and love that transcends any limited concept my human brain can comprehend. In moments when I am at my most honest, present and authentic self, I believe I experience and share that love.
In a BBC interview in the 1940s, Carl Jung famously stated, âI donât believe in God. I know God.â By this, I believe he meant he had seen a power greater than him at work in his life. He had no need for blind faith. He experienced âGodâ on a daily basis and knew his ways. Today I consider myself omnitheist, which means I strive to see the hand of the Divine in everything and everyone.
I believe the nature of the spiritual journey is to move from a place of certainty to a place of uncertainty and then, to be ok living in that sense of knowing-unknowing. Sounds like we are all somewhere on this path.
BTW, there are a number of excellent books that parallel the teaching of the Buddha and the Christ. (Thich Nhat Hanhâs is wonderful.) I admire anyone who is sincerely trying to live a loving, compassionate life.
(You can read more about my journey from Catholicism to Buddhism and back again on my blog http://southernbuddhistcatholic.blogspot.com/)
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