Hey Donny, I have had a similar experience.
I realized that I was spending a lot of time thinking about my thoughts and feelings and making myself more confused than I had to be. I want to incorporate mindfulness and meditation into my life, but only so far as what is simple and easy for my brain. Sometimes it is difficult to get myself to do it but it isn’t necessarily a complicated or difficult thing.
I also realize that when I use mindfulness to escape unpleasant feelings and thoughts, I can get myself confused and make myself more unhappy than I previously was. I am now trying to honor my unpleasant feelings and move on when it is time. I try to incorporate simple meditation and mindfulness practices, with focus on improving my life overall. I do seek happiness, but I realize that it is easier to pursue activities that make me happy than it is to pursue an ephemeral feeling.
I try to incorporate things in my life that make my life better overall like:
-daily, simple 20-minute meditation
-some daily form of physical activity
-reading articles
-writing my feelings
-being creative
-discussing life with someone I trust
I know that if I keep a consistent practice of these things in my life, I am taking steps in the right direction, no matter what happens.
When I get confused, I try to bring myself back to what is real and to what is obvious. It helps me to recognize that I spend a lot of time arguing with myself in my head about things that may or may not happen, but most of the time those things aren’t even real.
Also, it seems to me like a lot of people try to make meditation more than what it is and in turn, make it kinda confusing. I keep it simple by making it a success by simply doing it for 20 min, no matter how it goes. I recognize that it is just a time for me to see what kinda things are going on in my head, and if focusing on my breath helps, then I will do that. But I definitely don’t spend most of my time focused on my breath. It just doesn’t work that well for me. Instead, I focus on understanding myself, listening to myself, clearing my head, and doing whatever fits in that moment. But I try to keep it simple and not very confusing. Sometimes I have music, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I hold my breath, sometimes I use earplugs, sometimes I fall asleep right after. I don’t think it is something that someone can tell you the “right way” to do it. Find out what works for you in that moment.
Hopefully something I said can be of use to you.
-Bret