Dear anita,

You’re right, I particularly dislike people who often get angry out of the blue. I guess that I am looking for a kind of softness in a partner. My mom is rather calm but often stressful because she takes care of pretty much everything at home. She worries about everyone. She rarely gets angry. I think I’m a lot like her.

Daniel

Dear anita,

It’s been a while. I hope you and the ones you love are fine.

You made a great analysis of the song ! Maybe you found why I like it so much. It’s strange because I’ve noticed several times having troubles when it comes to remembering my childhood. It’s as though some of my memories have been cast into a black hole.

When I was very young, my parents divorced. My father was starting to become violent and my mom was afraid for her life and mine. So she flew away with me. After my parents’ divorce, I had to see my father every weekend. It was a nightmare every time. I was very anxious when seeing him. I was and am still afraid of him. I know he is unstable. Thus, began my story of chronic anxiety I guess. Basically my mom raised me on her own. I had very good grades at school and didn’t feel different from others. In high school, I made a few good friends that I still have to this day. Then I moved to another school and I had a bad time there because I felt that I had lost my new friends and I didn’t like my new colleagues at all. For the most part, they were particularly shallow and extroverted. Then I fell in love for the first time (I was 16). I was crazy about her, my whole world was revolving around her and all I wanted was to get close to her. I thought that it was love when in fact it was an illusion. I was in love with the image that I had of her in my mind. I barely knew her. My feelings were so intense that she knew I had them. One day, I asked her out but told me that I was imagining things, that she considered me as a colleague of class and that’s all. I was devastated, crushed. Heart broken, I remember falling on my bed crying every evening for several months. The pain would not go away. Somehow, I kept feeling sad but without any reason. I knew that it was more than casual sadness and started thinking that it may be depression. I felt weak, my self esteem was non existent and felt worthless of love and life. It lasted 4 years before my mom decided to do something about it. Indeed, one day (I was 20) I had an anxiety attack in front of her. I guess that she was scared of what I had become and could not tell herself that it was OK anymore. Thanks to her, I found a therapist who told me that it was depression and gave me pills. The pills really helped me, that’s for sure. But that’s the moment when I began experiencing panic attacks on a regular basis. This therapist can’t perform a psychotherapy for me and that’s why I’m looking for someone else. I’m sure that I need a psychotherapy most of all ! I managed to become a medecine student somehow but still struggle with issues such as friendship and romantic ones. I think that I am in a better place than a year ago but things change very slowly and I’d like to be able to enjoy life, love and be loved before it’s too late.

Daniel

Dear anita,

It’s been a little while ! I hope you’re fine. I understand why you’re not lonely anymore. Actually, I find it hard to communicate a lot on the internet. I mean, I find it much better when I’m talking to someone face to face. And as someone who feels different from a lot of people, I rarely find someone I really want to socialize with as well. My friends are almost exclusively girls and I think it’s because it’s easier to talk to them about anything and especially deep talk.

I keep on going to the hospital 5 days a week. The atmosphere seems to be calmer and less stressful. I realized that the main reason why I have trouble sleeping is anxiety so I plan on getting back to meditation !

You may have googled the few artists I have listed, if so tell me what you think about them ! I finally learnt the guitar solo from Time (Pink Floyd) and am quiet proud of me even though it’s not perfect 🙂

Daniel

Dear anita,

Thank you for thinking about me. I had a 3 day break this week because I was exhausted and I was a bit sick. No fever and no cough though so I guess it wasn’t the coronavirus. These 3 days were strange. At first, I slept a lot. Then I realized that it’s been a while since I have thought about my health. Actually, I’m always anxious these days. At home and at work. Loneliness is almost always here as well. I cried today because the weekend is the worst.

Once again, I want to leave my parents and live on my own. But it’s expensive and they don’t really want me to live by myself because they think that I would struggle with my feelings and everything it takes to live alone.

Music helps me to carry on.

Daniel

Dear anita

I keep going to the hospital and I’m glad to help the doctors. But I’m getting more and more afraid of the pandemic. I think the worst is yet to come and I’m very concerned about the future. Now the situation seems to be under control but for how long? I’ve been in contact with patients with the virus and I’m probably going to catch it (I may have it already). I don’t want to infect my family, I’m more concerned about them than about me. People keep going out even though it’s forbidden (more or less actually). The virus keeps speading, infecting and killing people. I really want this to end and getting back to normal.

How are things in the US?

Daniel

Hi everyone,

I’d like to give you some news.

I started going to the gym with two of my friends this week and it was cool ! I’m planning to go there every week.

Concerning meditation, I must admit that it’s harder than I thought to make a habit of it. But I’m not done trying.

I went shopping last week but I didn’t find anything that I really liked.

But there’s something that really bothers me right now. And it’s not the first time. Yesterday, we had a show with my band. I had a bad day working at the hospital and I really wasn’t in the mood to sing. Anyway, I sang my songs and some people gave me compliments. Then, after the show we went to a bar we all like. But I felt very distant from everyone around the table. Disconnected. Like I sometimes feel because of depression. I really want to quit the band. I’ve felt this way a million times since I’m in the band. And I quit the band twice and came back twice. D and K (a friend of mine who is a very good guitarist in the band) are becoming the center of all attention because they are both very good guitarists. Since I’m in the band, I keep telling myself that being a singer is the worst someone can do. It feels like no one cares or listens to me. And since we are several singers, I know that I’m not indispensable. Plus, I know D wants to have sex with K and I would not be surprised to learn that they had sex last night. I really feel left out. I know that depression prevents me from being my true self. Because once in a while when I’m in a good mood, everything seems to work out. People around me even seem to be happy to see me. Anyway, I feel like people around me are not good for me. But they are the only ones I know.

Daniel

Dear anita,

Thank you for your long answer.

I decided to go to the gym once or twice a week with friends of mine. I’m starting next week !

I found Mark William’s series of mindful meditations available on soundcloud. I’m starting this evening and will do my best to do it every evening !

Concerning my social skills : I noticed that I often sound not confident and I don’t really like wearing most of my clothes. It gets worse when I’m tired because people tell me I look sad or angry in those moments (but I don’t). That’s why I decided to get more sleep. It all starts with more sleep in my opinion.

I will do that exercice of looking myself in the mirror even though I don’t like it. I don’t find myself handsome and wish that some things about my body were different. Maybe that will change a bit in the future.

Daniel