Dear anita,

Thank you for your answer. I’ve been thinking about it for a moment.

I really think that you’ve managed to understand me in a way that I couldn’t do myself. Your words make so much sense !

I’ve just written my “letter” to my father. Writing it made me cry. I don’t think I’m going to send it to him but I want to keep it safe. I may write again in the next few days and I’m starting to consider writing everyday about anything. For the sake of writing. Because I feel better afterwards.

It’s been a while since I’ve been studying this hard but I’m happy to be able to use my time this way along with listening and playing a bit of music.

I’m still obsessed at the idea of having a girlfriend because it’s like a quest that I need to fulfill in order to feel worthy of love and “like a man”. I’m conscious how foolish and harmful it is to think that way but it’s hard getting rid of them.

Thank you again for being here,

Daniel

Dear anita,

I’ve made up my mind.

There is another way to think about this. I told myself that wherever I choose to live, I have to accept the place I live. One month ago when I was still living with my parents, I was feeling stuck. For several years, I had this feeling because I didn’t fully accept to live there and I was focusing on all the downsides of it. I thought that I had to move to Paris to change my life, my point of view and that everything will be alright. I wasn’t totally wrong. I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that changing my environment would help me in my depression. And I believe it can. If someone lives in an unpleasant and unhealthy environment, it’s understandable that it won’t help in getting better. And it’s still true that home can be unhealthy for me sometimes. But I also realized how valuable it is to live at home with my family. I can see the perks of living at home and I feel ready to embrace living there. I plan on helping more my mom for the chores and I want to learn some meals she cooks. So when I will have to live on my own in two years from now, moving out will feel smoother for me. Overall, I feel confident for the future.

Daniel

Dear anita,

I hope everything’s alright for you.

You’re right, I sound and feel in a better mood than before. I think I’ve been longing for more independance during those years living with my parents. A girl I work with even told me that she feels that I have more confidence. Still, I think I’m soon going back to my parents. I miss living with them, I miss the food, the feeling of Home. And this time, I would choose to live with them rather than enduring it. But I can say that this has been a good experience overall. I realize the perks of living with my parents. I know that even if I live on my own, it doesn’t increase my loneliness or sadness. I’m not 100% sure about going back home though. I know this is a big decision. I’m afraid to make the wrong choice.

Concerning my feelings, I’d really like to meet new people. But don’t really know how. The concept of romantic love seems to make no sense to me sometimes. And I wonder if it really exists.

Daniel

Dear anita and Rose of Yellow,

Thank you for your answers.

I’ve been using some dating apps for a few years. I would delete the apps and eventually download them again a few months later. I actually had some dates but there was always something wrong. I think that the nature of dating apps itself has something to do with that. For instance, I have a male friend who had many one night stands and he used a dating app once. He said to me that he didn’t like it, that it didn’t work for him, that he didn’t get matches and dates. It’s all about looks ! A good looking guy can be unsuccessful with those apps just because he does not have pictures of him that put him in the spotlight or draw some attention.

Plus, some dates can be very awkward when you realize that you don’t like the other person because of something that you could not know on an app (tone of the voice, gestures, the way her face moves when she speaks…).

So I’d rather try and meet girls when I’m with a group. This is something that I never really had the chance to try so I’m up to it.

By the way, I moved today to my flat. I have to say that it’s a strange feeling. It’s a mix of fear and excitement. I hope I won’t feel too lonely.

Daniel

Dear anita,

I texted Y. Actually, she came back yesterday. I asked to see each other but replied that a friend of hers comes to visit her for a few days. I didn’t insist. She asked a bit about how I was doing. Anyway, I’m glad that we can text each other again in a lighter way. I don’t care so much about seeing her or finding out some answers anymore. We may see each other again in a couple of weeks  with her group of friends.

Daniel

Dear anita,

I guess you’re right about Y. It’s a bit depressing though. Once again, I don’t understand her. Why would she tell me that she’d love to keep seeing me from time to time with her group of friends and discussing with me and even say yes when asking to see her when she comes back if she does not text me anymore? Was she being polite? Was she lying? Or is it her fear to create false hopes in me? I don’t know and it bothers me unfortunately. I thought I wasn’t holding a grudge against her but actually I am. And it makes me a bit angry. I wish she had texted me earlier about her wanting to stay single. This way, I wouldn’t have been starting to think about the possibility of being in a relationship with her (and having false hopes, exactly what she feared). And I want her to know that so she will not repeat this mistake again in the future with someone else.

A friend in her group told me that he will probably do something with his friends one evening in a few weeks and that he will keep me up to date. Maybe Y will be there too.

I wish I could stop thinking about her. It’s a waste of time.

Daniel

Dear anita,

Thank you for the insight.

There’s something that’s been bothering me : My psychotherapist seems a bit cold and sometimes he interrupts me in mid sentence. What should I look for in a psychotherapist? How to choose the right one for me?

Last evening, I tried to start writing the letter for my father but it was harder than I thought…

Daniel

Dear anita,

I cannot thank you enough for spending time to read all my posts and for writing this long message. I’m very glad that you try to help me. Thank you 🙂

I had a long talk with my mom about my childhood as planned. I feared that I had forgotten many things but I soon realized that was not true.

Here is what I want to say about it :

Before my parents divorced, it seems that my father loved me in his way : he showed me his love by buying me things. My mom was the one who took care of me.

After the divorce, I lived some stressful events. I don’t want to share them but I remember that when my father came at my mom’s door so that he could take me to his home for the weekend, I was terrified, crying, very anxious. It happened every other weekend until I was 13 (the legal age to tell the justice that I didn’t want to see him anymore).

My mom overprotected me and we were very close (she was sad when I was sad and I was sad when she was sad). She thought that she had to give me twice as much love considering that I lacked my father’s love.

One day, before I was 13, I was with my father at the supermarket. I wanted to have a toy and told him so. Then he replied that I don’t deserve it. This has been stuck in my head ever since. When I feel sad and wonder why I’m still lonely and don’t have a girlfriend, I sometimes think about what he told me that day. And it hurt a lot (even though I know it’s bullshit).

When I was 16, 17 and feeling very very low for the first time in my life, I remember withdrawing into myself and I thought that I could handle my depression on my own. I was wrong obviously. My mom told me that she could see that I was very sad and she wanted to help me. She told me that I needed someone like a doctor to help but I disagreed and wanted to handle it on my own. I do believe her and everything makes sense.

I think she did the best she could and I don’t blame her for anything. She had to deal with my father, herself and me.

But it is true that I have suffered a lot and now I need to understand and accept what happened in order to move on.

Daniel