Dear Laila,

I don’t have advice for you but I have a few thoughts.. I just wanted to say I feel for you. I can relate to some of the things you mentioned in your first post – about the birthday, not having friends, feeling jealous about people who post about their fun times..and feeling incompetent in general. I am close to 30 years old and I often think to myself that I should be self-sufficient and not care about birthdays, or get jealous of people because of their social media pictures. I often tell myself that I am supposed to be having fun. I am young and I have a well-paying job.. So why am I so bothered?

A lot of times, we have this rule-book for ourselves that we NEED to live by. We think we need friends because that’s the norm. 100s of likes on Instagram makes it the norm. We think we NEED to have fun in 20s and 30s. If we don’t, we are disappointed in ourselves. If a weekend goes by and we stayed at home watching TV alone, we beat up ourselves. Why?

We think about what we have done in the past and regret. We spend so much time regretting and we tell ourselves that we will change. So we make up this list of things that we need to live by. We tell ourselves that we will eat healthy and we will be kind to everyone every single time. We think that will solve everything and everyone will love us.

If we mess up because we are tired of trying or we forget, we beat up ourselves. We become super disappointed and our confidence goes down even further. We lose hope. We keep going down. And then we try again. We will fail. Then we feel worse than before. and so on…

I just want to say this is human. Its ok. We are not born to be perfect. We don’t need to have 100s of friends on Instagram. We don’t need to be THAT COOL person in your class. Maybe we will get there some day. But for now, its ok. Let go of that rule book or those goals and your timeline. I am not telling you to give up. I am just saying – take baby steps. If you do something (even the smallest thing) better than last week, congratulate yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat a child you love. Encourage her for every attempt. If you don’t feel the way you think you should, IT IS OKAY. Don’t force yourself. Accept it.

WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU NEED TO BE A CERTAIN WAY? STOP IMPOSING THESE RULES AND TIMELINE ON YOURSELF.

Due to habit or some other reason if you still abuse your sibling, tell yourself that you will be better tomorrow. Think about why you did what you did. BUT APOLOGISE TO YOUR SIBLING. Tell them that you regret your behaviour. that you are trying to change and need help. BE HONEST. Consider moving for a while. Force yourself to stay away from your siblings so that you don’t hurt them and keep regretting. Stay away until you know for sure you will not hurt them..

TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT IT.

I can understand not wanting the sympathy and the worry about being perceived as weak. I felt the same way. But trust me when I tell you it really helps. It helps just to have someone hear you and say that you will be okay. There is nothing weak about this. Every human has some weakness. Strength is about acknowledging it and taking steps overcoming weaknesses.