Dear Ninja and Anita thank you for your responses .
Just to let you know, I have been feeling better already. I feel as if i can breathe. I didn’t realise that I was holding my breath every day . You responses gave me the strength I needed to break and stay free of my toxic situation and to reassure me that it was the right decision. It is wonderful that the positives that I am experiencing in my new job and in my life is remaining positive and not being twisted or dragged down into a negative.
Well the ex contacted me by email ( found it in my spam email ) at around 6 this morning, I found it later in the day and just seeing his name there in front of me in black and white filled me with such fear/dread and thats before I read the email. He said he was just checking to see if I was ok and that he misses me , not how I treated him but miss me . I found it incredulous, my first thought was..Is he crazy ? And then I thought it was some bad joke . next thought…I actually don’t miss you. It wasn’t nice feeling that fear/dread and it did make me wonder if that was how I was existing/living in the relationship, in fear? . Was it there all along or did it just show up after the relationship came to an end?
I deleted the email, don’t want to see it and will continue to delete any that find their way into my spam or junk . I have managed to block him on everything else and will keep it that way . I won’t be reading any of his messages, none ,I won’t be reeled back into that madness , because that’s how it felt on many an occasion , like madness . I like not having to walk on egg shells or watch my words .
🙂 I am grateful,THANK YOU ALLxx
love,
Blossom08

Dear Anita, I love your words and your insight, thank you .
Yesterday I was feeling brave, today I am not. The pain is overwhelming and closes my throat, I have been telling myself that I am ok when the thoughts come , they go from i was wrong, I was unkind , I should have done better to I did the best I could at the time, I am allowed to make mistakes , I am only human , I have decided to forgive myself . I too feel for him but I know that I can not help him in anyway and because I love him I have tried to help by watching my words and actions . I guess if it wasn’t me losing my temper it would have been something else that triggered such a response and I would have been here sooner or later . I have thought….. would it have been the close relationship I have with my children or me excelling in my new job, would I have to dumb down the successes of my children and even my own success?, try not to be too happy when I spend time with good friends , say yes to all the things I didn’t like , have sex when I don’t want to, even when I am too ill or too tired ? Would he perceive it all as rejection or make him feel inferior somehow ? That is no way for anyone to live.
Rigid is a good word,one I have used to describe him .
Just my thoughts and feelings , I know it will get easier, I will keep posting and reading. Thank you all for your support .
Peace and love to all xx
Blossom08

Dear Anita, thank you for your reply. You’re right, details are important and i guess I didn’t give him enough at the time . Youre also correct in saying about the planning and management and when I said “maybe ” that was what I was trying to do . I didn’t want to go over to his house drunk either as he is a recovering alcoholic (4 Years ) and me being intoxicated was not going to be fun for either of us . And i truly did not know exactly what was happening on the friday night as the details werent finalised. On top of that he was attending a convention that same evening , I told him when I said my friend was driving and not me he could have at least offered to pick me up, that may have helped .
I am not making excuses for my behaviour, I am so disappointed in myself, usually when i feel overwhelmed i try to take a step back and try to figure out if it is him or me ( especially when we argue) . I go off and talk to someone so as to get a different perspective on the situation and I am ok . If he says something i don’t like at the time I try not to respond or if he’s in a mood i give him space , i try not to engage negatively .Sometimes if he said or did something he’d apologise and say he’s not very well and I would always forgive him . I just can not understand why he can’t forgive me .
You are also correct in saying i don’t need someone that adds to the stresses of my life as it’s been a shock working full time and juggling the kids . I was also stressed out how to manage it all as I know he wants to spend time with me and I loved our time together and I love him, it just feels so unfair and it hurts so much 🙁
Blossom08