Hi Occitane,

I feel for your situation, I’ve been there, as others in this forum. Thank you for sharing your story. What I’m hearing is that there’s a reason why she broke up with you – you don’t open up to her. And you are closed up because of past hurt. Unfortunately, the breakup was inevitable.

One of the ways our partners, especially women, want intimacy is through the other opening up to them, whereas for men is more physical in nature. My guess is that she hasn’t contacted you because she realized that you won’t change. Take this opportunity to work on yourself – talk to a professional, open up to a close friend, read books, journal, find stillness and get in touch with your inner self. The trauma of past pain and the wounds need to be healed in order for you to start being yourself again (more open, trusting, loving). Whereas now, you are acting from a place of fear.

I’m afraid that without doing the work, even if you get back together, you’ll find yourselves in the same position, but this time you’ll split for good. Or you’ll find someone new and the pattern will get repeated.

When I went through my breakup, one of the books that helped me understand why my relationship ended was Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller – it explains how relationships work from the perspective of adult attachment theory. In other words, you’ll understand why you and your ex were attracted to each other in the beginning, and why you broke up in the end.

Hope this helps.

Marina

Hi Eeman,

This is a personal decision for you and my suggestion is to find stillness and listen to what your inner true Self is telling you, and not your ego. Your inner Self will guide you to take the path that maximizes your soul growth, and you can only know what that is by going within.

Whatever decision you make, take responsibility for it without regret, which means, be fully present to the experience. If you get back together with him, love him fully and without judgement. If you move on without him, be fully present to that journey and enjoy every moment.

As humans, we tend to take a path that is safe in order to protect ourselves. This had merit when we were cave dwellers, but these days there are no sabre tooth tigers trying to kill us.

Which choice you make really does not matter – at one point or another people and/or circumstances will hurt us but that is the journey of life.

What’s important is how you deal with it. And the self-love that you are doing is key, but I’m curious about your comment that you’re finding self-love ‘tiring’. Self-love is loving and accepting yourself without conditions, there is no time limit to this practice.

Marina

Hi Nocchi,

The intention of wanting to laugh again in and of itself is powerful, it’s coming from a place of strength instead of weakness. So celebrate what you’ve overcome. Your intention if you really mean it, will influence the Universe to make that happen. A nice mantra could be: I want joy and I want to laugh freely and easily.

You may also consider starting a gratitude journal – document small and big things – like something that made you smile or watching the rain fall, or getting good grades, etc. Gratitude practice increases happiness and reduces depression.

Another consideration is doing a self-compassion practice. A great book is: Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, by Kristen Neff. The practice of self-compassion secretes a hormone called oxytocin which contributes to our ability to trust and relax.

Hope that helps.

Marina

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Marina.

Hi Sofi,

I know exactly how you’re feeling, I’ve been there. I was with my ex for 7 years, and the break up was excruciating. It felt like my heart was ripped out from my chest, and I was in a dark hole that I could never get out of. Some days it was difficult for me to get out of bed or leave the house. I was so consumed by thoughts of the past relationship and my ex, that I wonder now how I even got through the day.

I can tell you that I survived that dark period of my life, and so will you.

What was key for me was that I realized that I had identified and had a strong attachment to my ex and the idea of being in a relationship. When the break up occurred I did not recognize who I was. Negative core beliefs and deep seated fears arose rooted in not being good enough, not being lovable.

When I got to the root of my pain and fears, I took steps to reprogram my core beliefs, my sense of self. It was a journey within to get to know who I really am. I used mindfulness, self-compassion, and gratitude journaling. And these practices helped me to discover that my thoughts (the destructive ones) are not true, and that I am (and so are you and all of us) a beautiful, powerful, awesome, limitless, loving being. I am so grateful for that experience because I know who I am now, and nothing – not a break up or any life challenges – can diminish that.

It’s time to focus on yourself. A prescription of self-care and mindfulness (and a lot of it) is recommended.

Good luck.

Marina