Hi Skyylar,

To me it sounds like you started off feeling defected and lonely because your friends are off doing their own thing. Your parents are also not being as supportive as you want too. As a result that support network, the community you guys had together has been broken and is no longer as supportive as it once was. Ultimately things have changed so quickly that you haven’t had time to adjust. Without your support network you feel like your truly walking alone and without any guidance or support. This has led you to worry and become anxious over things/ issues that are arising. Without your community you have, in a sense lost your identity of who you are.

Well, it’s not all bad news. Generally, as humans our identities are shaped by those around us, those we interact and share experiences with. But we often forget that we can construct our own identities and validate them ourselves. When people say they want to go back to a happier time, i’m optimistic that it can be done. However, when we think back, the circumstances were different. You can try as hard as you want to return to who you once were, but you may end up disappointed, because your attitude and opinion of yourself a year ago would of been supported by your friends and family. Personally, i would aim to make yourself a fun loving girl from this point, not try to duplicate the past. If you continue to look backwards at what was once before, you won’t see what’s coming straight at you. Possibly, because we, as humans see ourselves as members of larger communities and networks, we forget ourselves as the individual making these networks cohesive. I want you to look in the mirror and just look at yourself. What makes you happy, what makes you angry, sad, makes you laugh? What makes you important and special? What makes you…you?

Just because you are quite, doesn’t make you less able to have friends, it just makes you less vocal and visible than the rest. And i think we become friends and form bonds with people who have something we value, respect or namely don’t have. So your roomies could still be your friend, they may have just made a ‘human’ mistake and taken for granted that you aren’t affected by what they are doing.

Jane made a good suggestion; speak to your roomies. Try to understand why they are acting this way, instead of just accepting it at face value. Also, seeing a doctor doesn’t mean you will start taking pills. They can give them to you, but you don’t have to take them.

“Knowing others is wisdom, Knowing yourself is enlightenment” Lao Tzu

I hope this was helpful,
Sincerely, Matty

Hi Shirley,

My goals….I have some practical ones (outer) and some inner ones as well:
1) Give back to others; i’m in a position now where i have a bit of experience and seniority and i want to help guide others and pass knowledge onto them.
2) learn and enhance my knowledge of new/ old things
3) Read more….definitely need to read more!
4) Try to cut down on my sugar intake, stick to three meals a day
5) as a result of 4) finally be able to reunite the suit pants with the suit jacket, it’s been too long!!
6) Try to help others on tinybuddha. It seems like there’s a lot of people hurting in the world, maybe i could help some.

Matty

Hi Dreaming715,

I used to be a lot like you. I would get very annoyed at myself as to why i was incapable of finding someone, actually anyone. But you cannot control who you meet or in our case…who we don’t meet. I guess in life there is not ‘one’ person for everyone, i believe that love is truly all about timing. I don’t think destiny or fate have as much to do with it as we like to believe. I think at the end of the day some of us are just in the ‘right time’.

I’m just haunted by this fear that I’ll never get to experience what my close friends are experiencing

Same here, My mate has a girlfriend and been together a couple of months, he met her at med school. My mate is a lot like goofy, so it surprised me (although i’m truly happy for him) that he was able to meet someone. I went out for dinner with two female colleagues and their partners…and it was incredibly awkward watching two couples stroking each others hair touching each others legs. And then get the question; “why are you still single?”. But you know what, i’m still not afraid to end up alone. Personally, i don’t want to be in a relationship just for the sake that i’m feeling lonely. Simply put, i don’t need to be in a relationship just to validate that there’s nothing wrong with me. Sometimes i think we get confused by wanting to be involved with someone and wanting a relationship.

This feels like a short amount of time when you factor in 1) The time it’ll take to “love” and be content with myself 2) The time it’ll take to venture back into the dating world 3) The constant misses and incompatibilities while dating 4) Finally finding a compatible person but then not rushing things 5) Planning a wedding 6) ETC…

You got it all planned out, huh? 😉 You are much like myself. I planned that by 25 (i’m 24 now) i would have a girlfriend (steady relationship) and was living away from home, possibly renting. None of that has come true. And i got really down on myself a couple of years ago, because it was apparently my fault that i was incapable of finding love, incapable of meeting that person that would bring fulfillment. But i realized there are only so many things you can control, for instance; your current appearance, your exposure to the opposite sex and your own happiness. You however cannot control someone else’s feelings (i mean you can, but that’s just manipulation!), you cannot control where your life or experiences will take you.

Could I be 100% fulfilled and happy without another person to love and grow old together with?

I’m not having a go at you, that’s the last thing i want to do. But you’re putting a lot of stock behind some fellow bringing that much’happiness’, which isn’t right. This future fellow has a huge burden on his shoulders before you have even met him. What i mean, is that my understanding is that in a relationship the partners are a team and they bring certain feelings, emotions and experiences to the table. But they shouldn’t be expected to bring everything. Instead of looking for that ‘happiness’ in others, you have to learn to create your own. I’m not saying you should be content, but you certainly don’t have to spend your time thinking about what if’s that are out of your control. I am aware that you are a woman and as a man i will never know what it’s like to fall pregnant let only only have a short window to do so. I just feel, from experience that you’re now putting pressure on yourself to be happy. Being happy is a choice not a chore. Finding love should be a choice not a chore. And what is to say that being with someone will make you happy?

Don’t measure your happiness against ‘happy’ couples, remember the grass is always greener on the other side. I know, like myself you will always yearn for what you don’t have. But just focus on what you do have, focus on your health, career, prospects etc.

I hope this has helped, but this is not to say to give up hope. You should just be aware that life doesn’t end because you haven’t met that special someone, it should be just another chapter in you book called life.

Matty

Hi Lil.Lilly,

My philosophy has always been changing, but it has become quite stable in the last year or so. I’m going to list them, but i won’t be as comprehensive as you have been. Which i must say, it is very impressive how you can consciously explain your philosophies. To live a decent life:
1) Question everything, whether it be logical or illogical. I’m very curious and question a lot of understandings and knowledge. It’s not that i want concrete answers, all i want to do is understand.
2) Understand that perspective is everything. Many concepts, terms, beliefs are in fact constructed by us. Irrespective of what the original intent, it’s us that give life and meaning to such things. As such our perspective forges our understanding.
3) Believe that people’s intentions/ choices are neither good nor bad. How we go about those choices is another matter.
4) Understand that everyone has a story. Everyone you meet has a past, a story, insight and worries.
5) Understand that we may have differences, but we all breathe the same air. We all require food to live, we all seek some form of happiness and we all wish to mean something to someone. Our differences are only as big as we allow them to be.
6) Seek to understand and love oneself. You are your biggest fan.
7) Understand that nothing is ever stable but that unstable/ in flux is the norm. Nothing stays the same forever. Embrace and accept that change doesn’t mean difference but that change can mean improvement..
8) Go with your heart. My heart may make illogical choices from time to time, but i can never fault myself for not finding a solution.

Matty

Hi Daniel C,

I understand you have GAD, have you considered seeing your school counselor? After all, they are more than likely going to be the authority of career paths and college. Anita is right,

you can reduce your own anxiety by gaining insight into yourself

Because your still growing, it may seem like you are against the world, but honestly, your just fighting yourself. You feel that you should be getting better grades, or impressing your family. Try impressing yourself first. Don’t think about the little details of college and grades. I know this is easier said then done. There is always more than one way to skin a cat. I failed to get into university…twice. I tried sitting the final exams again, but actually, my result was way worst. I thought that was it for me. But i found a back door. At the time i was working, and the back door had a fee, but once i paid it and completed two courses successfully, i could enter university as a ‘student’. Even if you don’t succeed the first time, just try again. Each time you will become wiser. This is what life is all about! If we aren’t challenged then we will never truly know how powerful we are.

Your wrote some things about your parents. And i understand that you feel like they aren’t being the most supportive at the moment. However they could be just looking out for you. I will be the devils advocate for a second; maybe your mother is just worried and this is her way of motivating you? It could be she wants only the best for you, but unfortunately it is coming across as more pressure. Maybe your father doesn’t want you to get disappointed if you don’t end up in your choosen degree, maybe he wants to lower your expectations so it doesn’t hurt as much? I could be completely wrong.

I guess this is what I get for choosing to go to a challenging private school.

To me, it sounds like you have accepted the challenge 😉 Actually this is very interesting to me, you chose to go somewhere where you would be challenged, somewhere where you would engage with the best, right? Give yourself some credit and a pat yourself on the back for making it this far. This says alot about your character. I want you to reflect on where you have been, where you life has taken you in this short time. Although it seems your up a creek without a paddle, it only seems that way because you are struggling to get past ALL the hurdles at once. Your grades, your parents, college and your degree. Take it one step at a time, the sum of all these parts are not greater than you.

“It doesn’t matter how slowly you go, as long as you don’t stop” Confucius

I hope this helped or gave you some suggestions, Good Luck
Matty.

Good evening James,

I often hear people saying that if a relationship is such hard work then it’s not meant to be.

I have no knowledge of relationships, but this is what family have told me; a relationship is like a team, it should be work, work that you enjoy, a collaborative effort where the members are aware of each others strengths and weakness. But it should not be ‘hard work’.

You mention a couple of times about your gut feeling and how your unsure of your current partners interests and motivations. The problem with going against your gut, is that it tends to linger and cause issues later down the track. Irrespective of whether the decision is the ‘right’ one or the ‘right one right now’, you can never falter yourself for following your instincts. As a result, because you are struggling with this issue, this is causing the anxiety, the ‘what if’ question; will it get better? No one knows if things will get better, of course there is always hope, and hope is not a problem, it’s crazy, unfounded hope that’s the problem. I think this is what your experiencing. Aragon had faith and hope that Frodo would cast the ring into Mordor, but that was because he believed, trusted and respected him. You currently have no basis or evidence to support the claim, in the future she ‘might’ be an amazing partner:

At the moment when i’m not with her I worry that she will entertain guys flirting with her, even if she won’t cheat again.

Trust and respect. With trust comes judgement, we judge people all the time, and until we feel they are worthy, it is only then we give them our respect. Ask yourself, right now, do you trust your partner? Do you respect your partner? From the way your writing, it seems you don’t even trust her right now.

She has a lot to give and once she gets over her issues I think she will be an amazing partner. The problem is right now I am not emotionally fulfilled.

This says everything to me. Once again, i have no relationship to speak off, however i see romantic love and friendship only slightly different from one another. You say “I think she will be an amazing….” and yet at the same time say “…not emotional fulfilled”. Please don’t feel i’m having a go at you. I’m just trying to get to the root cause here. If i wanted to talk my friend up in front of people, i wouldn’t be saying ‘i think she is awesome”, no ‘she is awesome, she inspires me everyday’. Because i believe in her. Otherwise, why would i even be standing in front of a bunch of people. As long as there is air in my lungs, i would defend my friends. Would you defend her? i don’t mean in a fight or anything…i mean in front of others, if someone had a go at your partner in front of you, what would you say?)

history of codependent relationships. I can’t hold a job and tend to ‘latch’ on to partners.

To me, this is your root cause of all your issues. It is one thing to be dependent on others, it is another to be so dependent that you lose sight of who you are and what you want to do. Your partner has talked you into not breaking up once, your unwillingness to be alone is causing you to be anxious, since your gut is telling you to do the opposite. And because, i believe you fear being lonely, your choosing to stay with your partner for now. IMO Being alone is completely different to being lonely. But even then, we are never truly alone, there are people everywhere, so by definition you cannot ever be alone, even on the walking dead, you would still be surrounded by zombies. And loneliness, well this is simply a matter of perspective.

Personally, the decision is in your hands, never forget that, you have the power to make a choice. I would suggest taking time to be away from your partner for a little bit of time, maybe a couple of days. Without influence or malice reflect on who you are now, Figure out whether you want happiness and the joy of another in your life or just to be happy with yourself. Sometimes we forget that we too can validate our own happiness. Finally, figure out if your willing to hope that things will get better.

I hope this helps, once again, i have no experience in being in a relationship, so this might all we worthless advice. But i believe that looking in from the outside is no different to being inside, it’s all a matter of perception and perspective.

Good Luck, Matty
And remember this thread can continue forever, so if you feel like talking, keep posting 🙂