G’day Carrie,

During out time together, he kept professing how he thought I was cute and fun to be around

Did you end up giving him a call?

Otherwise, from my perspective maybe he is quite shy and in that time and space he felt comfortable enough to say ‘something’ rather than ‘nothing’. I ended up in an uncomfortable position with a woman whom kept putting herself down, ‘i’m stupid’ ‘i’m not as pretty as her’ stuff like this, and i just supported her for that time saying you not stupid and quite pretty. These weren’t hollow words, every woman has the right to feel beautiful, and she was pretty. But i didn’t have the ‘romantic’ attachment that she thought i had. Words are powerful beyond measure, not because they ‘mean’ things, but because they mean things to different people at different times, places with their own perceptions.

Although you feel a connection, it could be that he literally thinks your cute and fun to be around. Maybe he feels that your comfortable to be around as a friend or just an acquaintance. Also you agreed to ‘hang-out’…..if you want to hang-out (IMO) it’s like as friends or just two people hanging out keeping each other company. Whereas a ‘date’ sends the message that your into each other. You want to know more about each other, to see if you could be good company for each other. If you call/ text and he declines or postpones he is non-committal and if you ever wanted a relationship this ‘trait’ would exist. Don’t say ‘give-up’, just move on. Chock it down to experience and keep chugging along.

Keep us updated (if you want) 😉
Sincerely,
Matty

• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Matty.

Hi Kate,

I’m just so confused, I actually feel really calm even though my life is in limbo.

This I would consider the norm in this situation. There is clearly something affecting your husband, whether it be stress, it could even be something he has recently experienced or heard from someone/ something. In saying that, he also seems to be contemplating why he is feeling this way. I’m not quite sure what advice i could give, except possibly keeps us updated on the situation. Nothing particularly is out of place here. It’s (IMO) normal to wake and feel the complete opposite to what you felt the day before, we aren’t machines! Feelings much like anything are not fixed nor stable, they are constantly changing and evolving based on influences, experiences and time itself. Often we take for granted that being ‘in love’ will continue or that somethings are meant to last in there ‘complete’ stage forever. Maybe your husband didn’t expect things to change? Maybe he thought things would be different and he is trying to figure out where exactly things went from good to out of place. Also someone who is depressed, doesn’t always know they are depressed. My uncle didn’t know he was depressed, he just thought (being a typical Aussie bloke) that he needed to harden up and deal with work, relationships and raising a child by himself (he is divorced with a teenager). Sometimes we think we are stronger than we actually are, it’s only when we face challenges that we learn more about ourselves.

We, as humans continually accept things without understanding them, it’s just easier that way. I think you are both very brave, firstly you’re giving your husband some breathing room to understand what’s going on in his head. And he is brave to be honest with you. However i would stress that removing the wedding band and even opening a bank account seems pretty preemptive if he is ‘just’ trying to understand what he is feeling, but i won’t assume anymore. Two weeks isn’t much time, how long have you been married for? Has this ever happened before? not this exact situation, but something like it?

I’m glad your calm, in the face of uncertainty and/ or change. Keep us posted if you want. Hopefully more people will give some better advice than myself. I feel as if i haven’t done much for you at all 😉

Sincerely,
Matty

Hi Dreaming715,

Based on this entry and one of your others (Single forever), I notice that your going through a bit of emotional turmoil at the moment. I’m not quite sure what kind of advice you want or need. It seems to me you have put yourself into this mindset now, and nothing can change that. As someone who has been through the bad, once we are in the thick of it, we don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. We just focus on everything that is negative. This in turn pushes people away, not the act of being sick, or lack of emotional support. This is what i believe.

I cared deeply for someone and they recently broke-up with me and I’ve had to accept their complete and utter indifference toward me (toward the end of the relationship and afterward they routinely wouldn’t respond to me or follow through on plans to get together).

The only thing to do is move forward. Obviously, closure is what you need. You want to know the why, you already know ‘how’ you were treated, but you want to know why, right? This is only natural, a question left unanswered. But, even if the answer was given to you, would it make you feel any better? Would you be able to move on faster or slower? Heck, the answer might be so illogical and messed up! So in order to move on, try to accept not that your ex was simply indifferent, but that there was no real reason for him doing that. It might of been, your ex just fell out of love? Maybe he was no longer invested, maybe it became all too hard. Whatever the reason, no answer will satisfy you completely. It’s better to accept that no answer or reason exists.

As for your support network, there are a couple reasons they may be acting this way:
1) they don’t grasp exactly what your going through, maybe they don’t have an interest in understanding
2) They might just have had enough, they have been there for quite some time, like your best mate of 8 years. And now your current feelings are starting to disturb their calm and state of mind. Maybe it’s too much.
3) They have your best interests at hand, however they feel powerless to do anything, since your the one going through everything, so they struggle to do anything and end up doing very little.
All these things come into play at some point. I’m not saying i agree with any of them, but i do understand them. I don’t know what advice i can give you in this regard. All i think you should do is take every day as it comes. Your not alone, you can never be physical alone from people in the modern world. If you have the strength, speak to someone outside the family, like here or seeking professional aid from doctors or counselors.

I honestly feel like isolating myself.

This won’t help your case, pushing yourself further into the corner never helped anyone, unless they wanted to disappear. Do you want to disappear? I think your just struggling to figure out who has your back and as a result, because of your frame of mind, you reckon that no one does. I think if you need help, they will help you. However, day to day, your support network may believe that you are able to handle it. This is actually a compliment, they think you are stronger than your giving yourself credit for. If you push yourself into the corner, you will be very alone. Support and concern are different. TO me it seems that you want concern (understanding and attention) rather than support. You feel that your being overlooked and nor heard. Once again, they could be hearing you but think you can deal with it.

Five years ago I was thriving with strong friendships and a committed relationship at the time and I was happy and excited about my future. Now I feel like a failure in almost every aspect of my life and I just want to disappear and be alone

I know it’s hard not to think about the past, but where you are now is what you should focus on and where you want to be. The past is great for reflecting on things, but making a habit isn’t healthy and clouds your judgement. You are comparing something in the past to know under two different circumstances.

I wish I could be that optimistic, strong, ambitious, happy type of person that my friends and family could admire… but I guess I’m not. I feel like a rock that’s been crushed down to a small, pathetic pebble

Why not make it a goal? Why not aim, everyday to think of something positive, to make yourself smile, do something that reinforces your ambition. Your only limited by your belief in limitations. Don’t be someone others would admire, don’t base your existence on others validation. Unless you want to be a Khardashian! 😉 Be someone that you would want to call friend, be someone you would want to admire. You are strong, if you have the ability to stand up everyday through your current situation, you are strong. DOn’t put yourself down by saying you could do more, be realistic about what you can achieve on a daily basis.

I hope this helped, i’m not sure what i could offer to you. So i might of just rambled.
Sincerely,\
Matty

Keep posting, if you want to ask a question, or have something on your mind, please keep writing.

G’Day Sunseeker1,

write online articles mostly about politics but these days more about bettering your life and strategies to heal

Practically, you could start this right now, online stuff like Weebly, Word press, tumblr etc are free and if you want exposure pay a little for the domain name and people can find you on google/ search engines. Then it’s all about content. I would advise tumblr, especially if you want a bit of exposure because you can link and re-post content that others put up. All that’s stopping you in this area is time and structure. Once you have a time (maybe post once a week, one a fortnight) then it’s about content. And if your interested in anything that’s the place to go. I originally made a blog for professional use (mainly to beef the resume up) on language learning (not in use anymore). If you have a linked in professional page then just start linking it with your blog. As long as it’s not going to impede your profession career. If you also want to get into journalism or reporting, this is your start point. I know a few journalist students who blog and write articles online to show that they are actually interested in writing and putting their opinions down in words. You never know, if you get enough ‘traffic’ coming through your website you may be able to put advertisements up and start making some side cash. The main thing is reaching out to other bloggers, forming business relations with them and use each other, write a collaborative piece, argue against someone else’s article (this is a sure way to get traffic!!) If you want to get into presenting, youtube is always a good start. If you show people you have already made a start, gaining viewership, then people will more likely take you more seriously. Nowadays everything is accessible, hence why so many young people are using social media and the internet to pursue their goals.

I just also get shy speaking to strangers but the funny thing is I like talking to large audiences

I have done many speeches at School and University, it’s because you aren’t directing your attention to one individual/ small group of people. There is a wide range of people your speaking ‘at’ and most aren’t really all their attention on you. Plus everyone likes to be listened to! 🙂 When your conversing with smaller groups, it’s more personal and intimate, they may want to give you a question or feedback, so you get worried that you may not have the answer. Introversion is more to do with inner feelings, internal drive and thoughts and you don’t need a lot of external stimulation. So being shy just means your shy, you don’t have to be an extrovert to be able to perform in front of people. I’m pretty sure there is a lot of actors and actresses that are introverts.

I just need to work though as I have not enough savings, and I just don’t know really what exactly I want to do about my dream job

Then treat your job as that, a job where you earn money. If you can find a job that has flexible hours this would be a bonus as it gives you time to setup and move onto actually pursuing your dreams. Especially if it’s related to something you want to do and in another department. BUT, don’t quit your job and say, okay now what? Because you will spend so much money and time doing nothing. And this will crush your soul. Unless you have incredible drive and determination and a plan, you could end up worst off. A lot of people have to do crappy jobs just so they can do what they want to do. I was in hospitality and worked night shifts, the only thing keeping me going through that 2 year period was that at the end i would gain my qualification. After that i began looking for slower, easier work so i could start to put myself through university. I know many people cannot separate their professional and personal lives, one always influences the others. The only advice i can give that’s practical is to stop it! Once you leave the office, once your home, no work. You don’t have to speak about it, don’t bring who you are there, home. It will be hard, but it’s the only way to separate your head space. Your home is your space, even if you have to work later at an office to get work done, rather than bringing it home.

I have had small brushes with success over these years but nothing concrete.

This is good, this is progress. These successes, do you have contact with them? Do these contacts know people who know people? Good business is always inbreed! 😉 Because you are older than most graduates, this is actually a bit of a positive, because your mature and have work experienc and will be taken more seriously. I would be emailing/ calling people in your field/s that you want in on and asking them for advice, NOT “i’m stuck, help me out” more like “I’m currently doing x and trying to figure out y, what is your take?” or “I want to do x, and your story is similar to mine, do you have any advice?”. People want to be engaged and generally want people to hear their opinions and advice, they however don’t want broad questions which, to them, may seem like you haven’t really thought through your next move.

I hope this helped, what do you think? Thoughts? Hopefully i have addressed everything, if you have more questions, just post again.
Sincerely,
Matty 🙂

G’Day Dina,

I agree with Anita, with organisation comes the knowledge that everything has it’s place, where you know it’s safe and waiting for you. Right now, by posting here, your mind is trying to ‘consciously’ figure out what it’s been up to ‘unconsciously’. You mention your ex, so reflect on the circumstances when you began buying ‘crap’ back then, is there a pattern? Right now, try to step outside of yourself, look around yourself and within yourself and do a manual check; is it work? what’s happening at work? Is it because of this……that….? Maybe you will notice something a miss. It could also be a preemptive. Maybe you’re worried about something and you are buying these things as not a way to organize but a way to distract yourself from whatever reality your not consciously aware of?
What do you think?

Sincerely,
Matty

Tilly,

What do you guys think? Did I jump the gun and break it off too fast?

I’m sorry to hear about your break up. Although i have never been through one, i do know what’s like to second guess yourself, to make decisions that you really wish someone else made for you so you could direct your anger outward. I don’t think you jumped the gun, you have made it clear that you two were on the same road but with two different destinations. There are a couple things i hope that i can write that help you understand your decision and overall help you move forward:

1) I believe that love can be broken into two categories = Right timing vs. bad timing. Love is as much if not more about timing than anything else. You can love someone, but unless you are both going towards a similar destination, the relationship will not survive. Of course, this is not to say your love for another won’t diminish or extinguish. In fact, right now your still in love with your ex-partner. You could go back, try to start afresh if you are able to contact him, but at the end of the day, the destinations are not the same. The relationship won’t survive unless someone sacrifices what they want. You weren’t prepared to sacrifice your goals, and there is nothing wrong with that. Any partner or anyone who cares for you wants the best for you. Your feeling guilty because your decision has affected another, affected him in a negative way. But if you were honest, if you were truthful to him about why you felt the way you do, he should respect your wishes (even if he doesn’t agree with your choice)

Will these feelings ever go? Have I made the right choice in the grand scheme of things????

2) You went with your gut. If you have to blame your gut, though it may not talk back… just warning 😉 But you can’t go wrong, no matter how painful, in following your inner feeling. This feeling doesn’t manifest itself because it wants to. It’s the ‘brakes’ if you will, it’s purpose is about survival, and it felt that the relationship was going to undermine your future. We don’t know that, and we never will. But you shouldn’t dwell on what could’ve been. Because in your current frame of mind, it will always morph your perspective. In a week or so you may be hurting, but the feeling of regret will start to slowly seep away. Regret what you have lost, but do not regret nor pine for what you did not have. You are feeling guilty over a future that may or may not have been. You have lost a friend and a lover, something anyone would and should experience, and it will be hard, you will struggle with your emotions and choice, but remember your future is unwritten. You never know, maybe in years to come you two will meet again and start a new. The end of a relationship is nothing more than the chapter coming to a close, it’s not the epilogue. The thought of another woman making your ex happy should not make you feel bad, although, granted it could make you jealous. Jealous that someone else is on his road with the same destination in my mind. It’s hard, but you should be happy if he is happy and vice-versa, if he loved you the way you feel he did/ does, then he will be happy for you too. And you should both be thankful for meeting one another, after all you now know what you love about another person, if only the timing was right. Remember the love, don’t forget experiences you had together. Now let go, let your road take you to your destination, let it be.

I hope this was helpful, i hope the very best for you and your ex,
Sincerely,
Matty