Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
Bethany RosselitParticipantHi James,
You really need to look at the reasons for doing what you do. Lack of motivation is usually a red flag that you are unhappy. So you need to look at WHY. Is it your job? Are you ready to consider a career change? Why are you anxious around other people–how are you afraid of being judged?
A little (or a lot!) introspection might help you out of this rut.
Here’s another question: If you could spend your day doing anything at all, what would you do?
Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Danielle,
The important thing to remember in a relationship is that you both are dealing with fears and doubts. Everything he says and does is only a reflection of HIS own fears. But then, you might misunderstand what he says (or he may misunderstand you) due to your own fears and doubts.
Remember that his words and actions are NEVER about you–they are NEVER more than a broadcast of his fear. One thing that might really help is asking open ended questions. Ask him WHY he says and does something, using his exact words. This will lead him to think about his reasons for doing and saying what he does, and it will also help keep you from making assumptions.
And look at your relationship with yourself. What is it that he is “providing” for you? Why are you unable to provide that for yourself? The journey toward understanding others always begins by looking within.
Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Paul,
In relationships, it is very important to avoid making assumptions. Ask questions about things she says. For example, be curious and ask, “Why do you say, ‘Yes, I understand you do’?” I wrote a guest post on this, that might be helpful: http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/communicate-without-making-assumptions/ .
Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Jim,
Changing core beliefs is challenging. You will want to be curious with your own mind. Ask yourself, “Why do I think this?” If the answer is that you think that because someone told you, be curious about that. Just because someone (or a lot of someones) said something does not make it automatically true. Question is based on your own understanding. Why should their words be true?
You have found that just trying to replace old beliefs with new ones doesn’t work. This is because core beliefs exist on a subconscious level. But by asking questions and being curious, you can change your perception.
Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Penguin,
I’m going to piggy-back off of what Anita said. It does sound like you are experiencing others’ emotions. That is the double-edged sword of empathy. It takes some time to recognize it.
It also seems like you are trying to control things that you can not control, such as your boyfriend’s weight. Trying to control things is a sign that your mind feels unsafe. You are in a state of fight-or-flight. Can you think of any reasons that you might be feeling this way? You will want to look deeply at yourself, and practice calming strategies to help yourself cope.
Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Bluecharles,
Your mind is overwhelmed and in a state of fight-or-flight. You need to find ways to relax. I would recommend researching breathing techniques, meditation, yoga nidra, prayer, etc. This will calm your body’s stress response, which in turn will calm your thoughts. Eventually, you will need to redefine the thoughts that are leading to your anxiety, but calming the response first will make that less overwhelming.
Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Cecia,
You are correct–your worry is related to attachment. And attachments happen when we are seeking for another person to fulfill a need that we have. It goes beyond simply caring for somebody else.
Look at your opinion of yourself. What is it that you are seeking from your father? How does he “complete” you or provide something that you can’t provide for yourself?
After you do some soul-searching like this, you will find that you still care, but that you will worry less. Because you will be able to meet your own needs.
Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Bluecharles,
Perfectionism is often a fear-based attempt to control things that are out of our control. The way to uncover WHY you are having these kind of thoughts is to be curious about them. What is it you are afraid of? Why do you think you’re not good enough?
Ask “why” a lot. It’s a long process, but you will eventually discover the truth about yourself and find peace.
Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Chaycups,
A lot of times addictions are the mind’s way of feeling good, because it is unable to feel safe. And your feelings of shame indicate that your mind is not feeling safe, on a subconscious level. Why do you have these feelings of shame? What is it that you are ashamed of, and why?
Asking questions like this and being very curious with your mind can help you unravel the misunderstandings (and yes, anything that leads to shame is a misunderstanding!) that you are having about yourself.
Bethany RosselitParticipantI’m 36 years old and went through the same thing 2 years ago. It ended up with me doing some DEEP soul-searching and ultimately moving across the country with my family to live on a saiboat! Here is a guest blog post I wrote about it: http://www.thechangeblog.com/reset-button/ .
What I can say is that life is full of change, so embrace these urges! Be very curious with your own mind and discover what it is that you are seeking and WHY. And what is holding you back. Yes, this is a very self-centered process, but it is one that will strengthen you in every aspect of your life.
Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Sophia,
What were your reasons for moving? Changes are very difficult, and you were seeking something when you moved. So really look at what it was you were seeking. Some things can not be run away from, and no place is going to provide peace and happiness. Those need to come from within.
And in the end, this may be a learning experience, that you learned through trial and error. But really look at what it was that you wanted and hoped for, because if you are not able to provide those things for yourself, you will not be happy anywhere.
Bethany Rosselit
http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.orgBethany RosselitParticipantHi Heal2014,
Bullying (and I hate that it is called that, BTW! I think “harrassment” is a better word) is a traumatic experience. You mind is trying to keep you safe, on a subconscious level, and looking for threats wherever it can find them.
Focusing on meeting your basic needs and calming your body and mind can help you to look more deeply at your fears, so that you can help your mind feel safe in a new way. Calm down first, then start asking why you feel so afraid. How are you afraid of being judged?
And be kind to yourself. Healing takes time.
Bethany Rosselit
http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.orgBethany RosselitParticipantHi Charlotte,
When you see these patterns in relationships, it is likely because you are seeking something from the other person. Perhaps you feel better about yourself when someone wants to be with you, perhaps you don’t think you have the strength to make it on your own.
Often, in relationships, we seek to find someone who “completes” us. The problem is that we don’t realize we are complete already! We look for someone to give us the sense of value, attention, and love that we can’t give ourselves.
Look inwardly, and you may find the answers that will help you break the pattern.
Bethany Rosselit
http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.orgBethany RosselitParticipantHi Keon,
Thank you for reaching out! It sounds like you are aware that you have limiting beliefs, which is a HUGE first step. Becoming aware of beliefs can help you to take strides toward redefining them.
Often, anxiety is caused by a subconscious mind that feels unsafe, due to deep-seated beliefs that trigger the fight-or-flight response. Seeing a doctor for medication can be a good first step, and calm the noise enough that you can move forward. But, ultimately, you will want to look at your thoughts and beliefs and redefine this reality that you are seeing. As the previous posters have mentioned, there are a number of avenues toward doing this.
Here is a post I wrote about the fight-or-flight response, which may be helpful: http://www.blogher.com/understanding-and-managing-your-fight-or-flight-response?crumb=19 .
Hang in there, and keep us posted!
Bethany Rosselit
http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.orgJune 7, 2015 at 7:36 am in reply to: Any thoughts about dealing with panic disorder and anxiety? #77803Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Lavender!
I actually have a LOT of experience with anxiety, much of it being first-hand. Healing takes time, but it certainly is possible. Often, anxiety is caused by the fight-or-flight response being triggered, when a current situation reminds you (subconsciously) of the past. Learning to calm the physiological response, then redefine the triggers, can be very helpful.
Here is a post I wrote on Mental Health Talk, about my own experiences and what I learned from it: http://mentalhealthtalk.info/navigating-anxiety .
Hope that helps! Hang in there, and you will find relief and healing.
Bethany Rosselit
http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org -
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 