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Bethany RosselitParticipantYou’ve got some really good advice here. I just would like to emphasize that other people’s judgments are only hurtful when they are proving our own subconscious assumptions “true.” For example, when I take my daughter to the grocery store, sometimes she throws tantrums. And sometimes people stare or make comments.
If I know, deep down, that I am a great parent, and that my daughter (who has autism) is just dealing with sensory overload, I can stay calm and these stares and comments don’t phase me. But if I’m having doubts about my parenting ability, the comments will confirm these beliefs that I have about myself, and they will become hurtful. Does that make sense?
So you may want to look at the reasons that you care so much what other people think. What kind of validation are you seeking from them, that you are not able to provide for yourself?
Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Sim,
It is possible that you feel insecure in competitive environments because you are afraid of being judged, because you may be judging yourself. Have you considered that your mind is adding meaning to your performance in the competition?
Let me give you an example. I used to really hate playing racing video games. I always came in last place, and I assumed that everyone thought I was a joke and not really a part of the group, because I couldn’t do anything right. I thought that maybe everyone thought I was stupid, or uncoordinated. And anytime that we think that other people are judging us, it is very likely that we are judging ourselves. I was afraid that I was not good enough to be accepted by the group, and that I wasn’t intelligent or coordinated. As I learned to love and accept myself, I found that I enjoyed playing the game, even if I didn’t win every time.
So look at why the competition upsets you. How are you afraid of being judged? What doubts do you have about yourself?
Bethany RosselitParticipantI second what Anita and Birdy have said. Reframing (or redefining, as it is sometimes called) can be life-changing. It’s relentless work at first. EVERY thought that doesn’t feel good needs to be looked at and questioned.
Pamela, remember that you can define “success” and “failure” any way that works for you. Is failure even possible? If we try something that doesn’t work out, but we learn from it, is that not success?
Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Karla,
I agree with the other posters. You have had a difficult past, and you will need professional help to get through it. There are many avenues to healing, and you will eventually find one that is right for you. It is impossible to just “let go” of the past, because your subconscious mind forms patterns based on the past.
Your mind’s job is to keep you safe–that’s all. 95% of thought is subconscious, and the subconscious mind looks at every situation, to see if there is a tie to a past perceived threat. If the mind detects even the tiniest threat, it sounds an “alert.” This alert is the fight-or-flight response, which can cause a person to experience increased heart rate and breathing, as well an tunnel vision, hearing, and understanding.
Your mind is likely keeping the alarm pulled at all times! With the right therapy (for you!), you can learn to identify and redefine your triggers. It’s a long, often difficult process, but it is infinitely worth it. Trust me–I’ve been there!
Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Louise,
First, stop judging yourself. The purpose of the past is to grow and learn from it, and if a person beats themself up over it, then that can’t happen.
You need to look at WHY the things upset you that did. If you are angry, then you are experiencing fear. And if you are experiencing fear, you are misunderstanding yourself. Why did it upset you that your intern wanted to do her recipe? Is it possible that you are seeing her at a threat? Whatever answer you have is okay.
What do you mean when you say you don’t do well with kids? How do you fear being judged?
When you can look at the misunderstandings you have, you can begin to redefine them.
Bethany RosselitParticipantDon’t run away from it, and quit labeling it as “dark.” It is just a scared child, not a scary monster.
Look at the patterns you are observing. What is it that you are thinking? Any thought that doesn’t feel good, that seems “dark,” should be questioned (because it is fear based and can be redefined). Gently ask, “Why am I thinking this?” Write it out if you have to. When you get your answer, ask “why” again. Figure out what assumption your answers are based on, then look at whether that assumption makes sense. Are there other possible explanations? Is there a way you can redefine it? Do that, then find reasons why your redefinition makes sense.
Look deeply instead of running away, and you’ll get to the root of those thoughts.
June 28, 2015 at 7:03 am in reply to: Dealing with Insecurity, constant fear, negative thoughts. #78929Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Anita,
Two articles that I wrote come to mind, and perhaps they might be helpful for you: http://www.onlinetherapyandcoaching.org/blog/2015/6/24/how-to-deal-with-negative-thoughts and http://www.onlinetherapyandcoaching.org/blog/2015/6/18/4-relationship-tools-that-dont-really-work-and-one-tool-to-replace-them .
Also, I’ve recently discovered this website: http://leadwrite.org/ . She offers a lot of relationship advice and a good self-help book.
Hope that helps!
Bethany
Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Lotus,
Actually, most people don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like!
In a healthy relationship, you both help each other grow. You both are at ease with yourself, so that you are not depending on the other person for validation, etc. But instead, you act as mirrors to each other, so that you can see where you need to heal yourself.
Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Moongal,
It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed. So first, do something to calm yourself. Try breathing exercises, yoga, meditation, prayer–whatever works for you.
Then, look at these thoughts you are having. Look at the doubts you are having about yourself, and ask “Why do I think this?” After you answer that question, ask it again! Your mind is assuming something about you, that is leading to all of those doubts. It is looking for “evidence” to prove its assumption true. So see if you can figure out what those assumptions are, then ask yourself why they should be true.
Once you’ve looked at the assumptions, consider other possibilities. How can you redefine them?
Taking a good look at your self-talk can really provide a lot of insight.
Bethany RosselitParticipantI would actually advise you to change your perception here. When something triggers the thoughts that cause you to beat up on yourself, that is an opportunity to redefine them, so that you can feel more confident, more often. When you notice that you are beating up on yourself, calm down and ask yourself WHY. Question your thoughts, and question whether they should be true. Then think of other possibilities, so that you can redefine those thoughts.
A trigger can be a gift that you have to open very carefully. And it’s a gift that will lead to more moments of peace and confidence.
June 28, 2015 at 6:46 am in reply to: 8 months sober and clean… Now having to heal the emotional wounds. #78924Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Charlie,
Addictions happen when the mind is trying to feel “good” as a substitute for feeling safe. And when the mind feels unsafe, unfortunately, you can’t just walk away from the issues that are causing you to feel that way.
Healing can be a long process, but it will involve looking at the “lessons” you learned from your parents and redefining them. What did you learn about yourself from them? What misunderstandings do you have about yourself? Any thought that doesn’t feel good should be questioned, so that you can redefine it. Here is an article I wrote, regarding that: http://www.onlinetherapyandcoaching.org/blog/2015/6/24/how-to-deal-with-negative-thoughts .
After that, the next step is to understand that your parents did the best they could with the tools that they had, and to ultimately forgive them. Whether you stay in touch with them is your choice, and nobody can make that for you.
You’ve got a long road ahead of you, so be patient with yourself. You made a good first step, by focusing on the emotional issues that were causing your drinking and other habits.
I wish you the best!
Bethany
Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Lucy,
I would suggest being curious with him. So much communication is based on assumptions. When he says something, like that you aren’t his type, ask him what he means when he says this. Ask other open-ended questions, like “Why do you think that?” This will open up the floor for him to look at his reasons for his actions and for him to explain what is going on in his mind.
Good luck and keep us posted!
Bethany RosselitParticipantCecia,
Your response made me smile. 🙂 You are lucky to have such a caring parent.
What are you doing to take care of yourself when you feel anxious? Make sure you have a way to calm your body and mind, such a breathing exercise, meditation, yoga nidra, prayer, etc.
Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Denise,
A lot of times those fears are based on deep-seated assumptions, so telling yourself to just not think about it doesn’t work. Try being curious with your mind. Ask yourself, “Why do I think this?” And look at your relationship with yourself. Jealousy is often based on self-doubt.
Bethany RosselitParticipantInteresting question, Joel. And here’s my 2 cents. 😉
My answer is, neither. Instead, we need to strive to understand and redefine what we call “shortcomings.” Look at things you’ve done in the past, or things you regard as flaws. And really work do understand WHY you did what you did at the time, or WHY you act the way that you do in the present. The reason that we do things we’re not proud of, is fear and misunderstanding. I would even venture to say that we will never do something “bad,” if we are able to truly see reality, with no misunderstandings.
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