Catherine –

I read this and am amazed at how similar it is to what I’m going through right now. I was previously married, and am now divorced from a man who cheated on me. It took a while to decide to date again, but I finally took the plunge! About 3-4 months into a new relationship, he approached me and said he didn’t think he could fall in love with me. He expects that he’s supposed to have this “free falling” into love experience, and because he hasn’t had it yet – he’s convinced he can’t ever love me. Up until that day, everything was perfect. We didn’t fight, we laughed, had a great time together. We were very very good friends – but, like you, our relationship was on a very superficial level. We never discussed our past hurts, we never talked about us. We spent a lot of time together, hanging out and being friends, rather than have deep discussions. It wasn’t until we were “breaking up” that we started to open up. We have discussed how we wish we could just wave a magic wand and feel more for each other – because it feels like there’s something holding us each back. He was everything that I am looking for, and so very different from the other relationships I have had – sweet, kind, loyal, honest, has his life put together.

My divorce was incredibly painful. My ex-husband sleeping with, and leaving me for, another woman only compounded the feelings that I have had that I’m not good enough. My recent man – went through a very similar experience to me. He was previously married and she left him for another man. The amount of past hurt that our relationship had to face was huge from the start.

As a result, I’ve decided to go to counseling and work on myself. How can I expect someone to fall in love with me, when I don’t really love myself? I am very convinced, that because I am protective of myself now, I can’t just fall right into love. Loving someone, will take effort and work. I don’t think that 3-4 months was enough time to call it, but I am not going to fight him on it. I know he had to do what was best for him. Because we were both so hurt and so burned, we are protecting ourselves and each other. There are massive walls standing in our way and huge hills to climb.

I, too, wanted to make things work so badly. We clicked so well – that I am completely shocked by how quickly the end came too. Nothing went “wrong” – we just weren’t in love and didn’t know if we ever could be. So, made a clean cut before we got more invested and it hurt more. I’m taking away a few lessons, and am moving forward and choosing to work on me – because that’s the only thing within my control right now. I’d love to know why the feelings didn’t arise. I’d love to know if there’s something wrong with me, or if the hurt that I experienced in my marriage will forever prevent me from finding love again. I’d love to analyze it and hash it out – but, I think it’s best for me to focus on me, so that the next time a relationship comes knocking at my door; I can approach it with self-confidence and self-love.