Hi Anita,

I feel you are correct about his low character…I tried not to read much in to his comment about building the house, but I couldn’t help but let it slip back into my thoughts in the past few weeks.  It sickened me when he said it because it made me feel hurt & like my feelings didn’t matter.  I would never say such a thing…Especially, when he let me know it would upset her and he took no thought into my feelings.  I don’t even think he noticed my expression when he said it to me…I couldn’t see my own face when he said it but I know in my Heart it was pure pain and hurt!

As I have been told by many & know in my Heart he is not the one for me.  He is selfish and I believe he only cares about his happiness.  He is repeating his life with his first family with me…I don’t have children with him but I use to be active in a cat rescue group and have 2 that we rescued 5 yrs. back…One was sick about 2 1/2 mos. ago and he never followed up with me to see how our little boys was doing.  I love them both dearly and thought about moving in the near future to get away from the madness and distance myself from him, but one thing that prevents it for now is the welfare of my cats.  As silly as it may sound, this is the only home they have known and the thoughts of moving somewhere new and possibly they could run away in a strange place, I am hesitant.  Maybe I will take my time and get all of my affairs in order and move next year.  I want to be 100% sure that is what I really would like.  I still have property and my home to sell before I could move and it is not an easy task for someone who is as broken hearted as I am to make such a life altering decision .

Just the thought of selling/packing/finding a new home & not even knowing where I would go is strenuous.  I have so many things to get rid of it is overwhelming.

I am starting to realize after 8 yrs. I really didn’t know the true soul of this man…I ask myself how could I have been so blind?  Most people say he was using me for a home & he felt secure with me…Maybe he saw me as an easy target…I don’t know.  But I can think myself to death and never know the true answer.  The thing that makes me realize the most about his character is he did the same to me as he did his ex, and they had 3 children…I never saw any remorses in him about not seeing them or any regrets about the way he treated her when he left.  I do remember a letter she wrote him say he was breaking her heart and she didn’t know if she could live without him…I should have realized then he was of low character.  I am sure he has told his new girlfriend about the few conversations we have had.  Probably to make her jealous…I remember his ex asked him to go to therapy with her before he left and only went once, he came over and laughed and said the therapist told them their was no way they would be about to work things out and the love was gone.  I thought it was a bit personal for him to tell about such a private moment with his spouse, but not to him.  He said she drove away crying and he showed no empathy for her.  I know it seems like so many red flags, but when we were together he seemed so loving, but I see now he can turn it on and off like a facuact.  And with all of the lies he has told me which I am now finding out about, I just feel foolish.  It was funny because a few month before he moved out, (me thinking things were fine at the time) we would go somewhere in his car and I remember the seat being moved back when I sat down & I did ask who had been in my seat?  He elaborated in such detail, nobody but you ever rides in this car. I just thought of that today is why I brought it up.  Things just keep popping up which fuels me all over like it just happened… I would like to grab him & slam his face into a brick wall.

Part of me would like to confront him with all I have found out & tell him what a scum bag he is.  What prevents me from doing so are a few reasons…He already knows what he has done & what a liar he is…I wouldn’t give him the pleasure of seeing me upset (because I know I would either get angry, or cry…and I would never let him know I still care.  I hope and pray in the near future I am able to forget about most of his existence and the life we shared together.  We are cut from 2 different cloths~

Bella~

Hi Anita,

I am home today and decided to spend the day alone.  I realized going out with people trying to have fun is less fun than spending time alone with my cats…They seem to comfort me more that most people.  I love watching the birds and at night I have several raccoons & a beautiful red fox that visits once in a while.

Several of my friends I have spoken to in the past few days have given their comments about my past relationship & said they feel I am better off  because they feel he did not treat me well.  Even my neighbor which is 75 said she thought I would be better off as soon as I could get over the pain.  I am trying to continually tell myself I am better off & it last for a while.  Then a cloud of thoughts come rushing in my head about how happy he must be and did he really think our last few years were so terrible that is why he left.

I was going through papers and cleaning out some things & found severl cards he had recently given me & places we had gone and things we had done which we had a lot of fun.  It was all in the past year.  So, I let it start upset me again as to why he would have said he had been misraeble for the past 3 years.

I am beginning to think he was trying to convenience himself he should leave.  I also know in my heart he probably found it exciting when he started the affair with the new girl and could not have respected me enough to be that weak.  All the lies I have found out about are also painful.

I spoke with a male friend of mine, we worked together 30 yrs. ago & he was telling me he always recalled me being such a strong independent lady & I deserved better than the way my ex had treated me during the relationship.  It made me think back & I am a different person now then I was before I met my ex.  I should be thankful he moved on because I really don’t care to feel helpless like I did once I got into the relationship with my ex.  I want the old me back!

Please tell me why if I know in my Heart I am better off, why do I feel so much pain & so afraid. And so angry that he may be so happy…

One more thought, it keeps going over in my head that any reasonable adult after seeing one another every day for 8 years & having a decent relationship…How could he not call after a month & at least be curious if I was doing well.  One other thing that haunts me ~is the last time we spoke he said “I have to tell you something funny, I had a dream last nigh night that I built a house and put a bedroom on each end, one for you & one for my new girlfriend…Then he said I can tell you about the dream but not her because she would get upset”  That has bothered me every since, but I made NO reply to him when he said it.  Personally I thought it was a bit immature~

Bella~

Hi Anita,

It has been a rough few weeks &  I was ok until Saturday.  I decided to go out with some friends on Saturday to the lake and I was so disappointed.  People my age were acting like teenagers & it was sad to see people get so drunk & acting so immature.  Pulling swimsuits off  of one another & guys removing girls tops while they were in the water.  But I wanted to try to be around other people & see if I could make some new friends. ( I do not want to have friends like the ones I met)  I came home about 8pm and started thinking about my life with my ex & what could have changed it.  Once again I started thinking of him & how happy he probably is with his new girlfriend.  I know I don’t know what is going on with him, but I went back as far as I could and nothing really makes sense, other than him cheating before we broke up & how much he hid from & lied to me to be with his new girlfriend.

I completely understand he is gone, it still does not make me feel any better.  I had a panic attack yesterday & it scared me so bad.  I had trouble breathing & started crying, which made it worse.

When things start getting bad all I do is make them worse with regrets of things in my life.  I have only seen my ex about 4 times in the last 3 months since we have split & am still heartbroken that he walked out after such a long time together and has no concern for my welfare.  Even to call and say Hi how are you.  I will not call or text him & each day it seems to get worse, not better.  I would think the distance between us & not speaking but once in the last month would help me to move on, but it is not.

What more can I do?

Bella~

Hi Anita,

I slept a little better last night & continue to think about the downfall of my ex.  I was able to think a bit more logically & have started thinking about the bad parts…It helps a bit~

I just pray these feelings of wanting him back will go away.

Please send some positive vibes my way!

Thank you~

Hi Anita,

You mention how I treated him like a child when we had a disagreement & that was preventing him from honest communication.  The question I have is if  indeed at that point he loved me, why wouldn’t he have tried harder to express his feelings to me other than just leave…He is the one that cheated and made me believe it was me that caused the split…

I understand we can’t predict why he did what he did, but I can’t help but feel if he still had feelings he would have expressed them.  It took a lot more effort to move out than it would have for him to just tell me what he was feeling…

Hi Anita,

What can I do to stop beating myself up over his moving out…I keep thinking back to the last week & there were no signs as to him being so unhappy~  I guess when he started the last argument is what lead to the dissolution of our relationship. I really feel he started it on purpose so he could leave and then blame it on me~

He never admitted to any fault or dissolution of the relationship.

Each day when I think about what happened & what I could have done different I see him moving out as planned.  It had to be!  I remember asking him where is was moving to & he just said he was renting a room from somebody..

I don’t know if it is the new girlfriend or his lies that is getting the best of me.  I feel like I am losing control of my life.  I want to stop thinking of him so bad I can hardly stand it.  Sulking is not doing me any good & I know I need to just get him out of my head before I fall in to a big pit of quicksand.  I don’t understand why him moving out has such a “HOLD” on me…

I look forward to hearing from you~

Bella

Hi Anita,

As always you have great advice.  Since I don’t have a lot of contact with other people I feel better when I receive an email from you…

I woke up again in the middle of the night once again feeling like I couldn’t breathe.  I feel like this will not stop until I have something else  to focus on, but in all truth I do have a lot going that I should be taking care of  & I still let the downfall of this ended relationship consume me.  I still blame myself (and shouldn’t) for the break-up.  It makes me angry knowing he is in a happy place & leaving me in a mess.  I keep telling myself none of that matters now, he is gone/doesn’t care & is happy and moved on without me.  I feel like the fear of what could happy also consumes me…(Him getting married)…

I also keep telling myself that it is his life & does not matter to him what happens to me or how I feel.  Regardless of the 8 years we had together he has the right to do whatever he wants.  I don’t know if there is much I can do right now other than try to stop thinking about him & what he is feeling or thinking…It is pointless for me to bring this suffering on every day.  I wish I could turn my brain off! I dread going to sleep because I know I am going to think all night long…

I don’t know why I keep thinking over & over in my head what I could have changed before this relationship ended.  But, I know it wasn’t me…He was the one cheating & almost everything he has told me since he left has been lies. I don’t know exactly how long he had been seeing his new girlfriend but he had this planned before he moved out.

Bella