Dear Anita,

Thank you for going through the post again! part of the reason I am posting here was because of your support in the past. You could see that I have actually dragged on the previous relationship much longer though I had supposedly sorted out that I should have broken off the relationship that time.

Going back to the questions:

Negative things are just work related or some small frustrations in life. Petty and not really serious. I am not usually a person who complains or speaks negatively most of the time. The fact that I have chosen to share these with him is because I realised he share a lot of things happening in his daily life with me. It might sound like the thing that most couples do, but my previous relationship is not like that. We did not share about things enough to a point that I did not know what is going on with each other’s life. And the way this relationship being normal actually makes me feel like I need some adjustments. And I started to share more about my life with him, the good and the bad, though I did realised that sometimes I probably overdo a bit on those “bad parts”, not in length but probably my tone of narrating the incident.

To be fair, the blaming part comes in when I share negative things happening that could partly be my fault. and he would start to point out all the wrongs I did even though there is a whole load of other factors that could cause the situation. I realised that I am not someone who is easily open up to people, and admittedly it was kind of hurtful when I had chosen to open up to him but did not get the expected reactions. Come to think of it, other than feeling sad that he is not on my side when I told him stuff (I admit this being a little childish), most of all I get the feeling that he probably is starting to see the bad side of me and he is not going to like me like I am. Honestly I had not wanted to start a relationship when I met him initially, what changed me was his willingness to share his part of life with me and he did make me feel comfortable being open with him in the first place. I am not sure if he is starting to dislike certain behaviour of me or me overthinking.

Bell

Dear Anita,

I honestly do not know my sudden urge of wanting to give it a try is it because of fear of losing or what. Honestly I am not so scared of being single but probably I fear that I will lose him? Not sure if it’s because I love him so much or just scared of losing him because we had been together for so long. I hope I could clear up my mind about this too. Meanwhile I think I shall repost another new thread more relevant about this confusion when my mind is clearer maybe. I have some thoughts and doubts which I don’t think I could put it in words yet. I do hope I am not making a wrong choice here though. Thank you for being here for me when I needed someone to talk and listen to.

Dear Anita,

i feel so useless. It achieved literally nothing. I was suddenly confused when he hugged me in the night. And was thinking was it me having another guy outside of the relationship and my attention was distracted? Maybe I was becoming unloving too? And it’s like a viscious cycle when we both grow unloving to each other? I don’t know why it’s so hard to talk to him, I had no problem talking things out with the other guy… I am not sure if I was very scared deep down. I actually always communicate with my bf through texting. I did find it easier… do you think I should text him to talk about this?

Dear Anita,

I know it’s a red flag warning.. but I actually can’t recall when the eye contacts stop. He doesn’t have a lot to begin with. And I had always associate his coldness with how he treats his other family members. That was the excuse I made for him for his lacking of affections. He also doesn’t really talk at home. I do not know is it possible for a person to be so not affectionate? Even to the family members? He doesn’t come from a troubled family though if that’s you are wondering. I guess the only way to figure is to have a confrontation after all. It’s so hard to letting go when he is the one person I thought was “the one”.

Dear Anita,

i had been out for a whole day with my bf, its the last day of our trip. And I couldn’t tell you how shocked was I to read about your reply! It’s such a good timing and a much needed reminder too.

throughout these few days, what I had been going on in my mind was that I will be breaking up with my bf by the end of this trip, when we go back to his place. Today, I am not so sure about that, he still has his uncaring ways at times and all. But tbh, I couldn’t imagine finishing another person as reliable as him. I am probably quite confused about whether he did truly love me or if I am just a covenant partner? My dilemma was probably less about the romantic part but more about the effort part. As he doesn’t really talk a lot, i find that it’s hard for me to talk to him (he couldn’t give good responses), and this problem has elevated to us not knowing what is going on with each other’s life as we don’t talk or share. Reliable as he is I find the problem very real, and got me very sad that though I love him and never wanted anyone else to be my life partner, the non-communication is killing me. Do note that I noticed this problem before I met the new guy. I am not sure if it’s the right thing to stay with him if the communication problem couldn’t be solved. But I will try again tmr to talk to him about him and make sure to get my point across even if it means breaking up. Perhaps it’s really my last attempt to salvage our relationship after all.

As for the other guy, yes! You are totally right about the movie thing. That’s was what I was trying to describe. But what gotme confused was because he was a really loyal guy before he met me (or so I thought), he had been with his latest ex-girlfriend for 2 years+, and from his side of the story it did feels like he usually made a lot of effort to make sure the relationship stays. Maybe it could be he was making things up to gain my trust all along, but his stories all usually fits pretty well to the way he acts, they sounded genuine to me. I was just confused that the “movie” would have ended so abruptly. And it makes me questioned if all “nice relationships” are actually just a “movie”? Am I asking too much for a relationship?

Dear Anita,

work and my relatuonship with the other guy. I think even if my relationship with my boyfriend doesn’t work out, it probably work as a life lesson. But I have regretted I got involve in another guy which complicates thing more and just messed up the way I think logically. I think you probably noticed that I am actually feeling very lost now. It just hope things are simpler. Life has its up and downs and I am probably at the down and hopefully I had hit the rock bottom of it already.

Btw, are you a counsellor or anything, I saw so much helpful advice you have gave in this forums. I did find that giving back to the others in the forum in a way helps heal my self pity. I wish I am able to help more people like you do.

Hi Anita,

I was crying as I read what you wrote. I think you are right. I had not read the signs earlier in the relationship and it just brings out a bigger problem now that we are in a long distance relationship. I hope I had posted about this earlier, I am going to board the flight for my vacation in 2 hours time. I do hope this trip makes me feel clearer about him and able to finally put my foot down on this decision that had been on my mind for so long.

I also think part of me being afraid that breaking up with my boyfriend would makes me become very attached to the other guy, whom I am still in friendly terms. I can actually feel that I am becoming a little anxious when I think about us. It’s already so hard to walk out from one relationship and now I have two to walk out at the same time.

I couldn’t thank you more for the advices you gave. Finally someone to talk and share about things without being judged 🙂