Hey there,

I created this account just to follow THIS thread. My boyfriend has wanted a job that requires travel for years. I have made it clear that I am not comfortable with it. He now feels like he can’t propose to me because I don’t trust him to not be nearby all the time. I’ve explained it’s really that I deal with abandonment feelings while he’s away (JUST like the ones described in this thread) and he says he hears that but still feels how he feels. We’ve been together for 10 years.

I have serious abandonment issues stemming from my childhood. Absent mother and emotionally manipulative father, so I know where these feelings come from AND I am in therapy to try to address them… but I also just don’t want to deal with being with someone who travels for a living. It’s so hard for me to take emotionally.

Like I said, we have been together 10 years, since high school. We were long distance for college and he was terrible at keeping up communication – he claimed in order to “survive” he required little to no communication while we were apart. It was impossible to schedule time to skype together. It tore me to pieces, but I held on because I really love him. He has since worked on this and calls me regularly when he’s away (as I requested).

When graduation was nearing he was looking for jobs that required travel. I got so upset and said I needed him to not travel for work. He got a job as a teacher instead and we stayed put in the Bay Area for three years. I thought he was ok with not traveling for work and that he understood my wishes.

He would fly to see his family and friends for the summers, which was hard for me. I made him feel bad for doing so in the beginning, but he said it was really wrong and hurting him so I got therapy for it. I think I got better but he’s still so bitter about it.

COVID hit and he started desperately complaining that he needed to be back on the East coast because he felt that he didn’t belong in the Bay Area. So, being the one with a job in tech, I easily found a tech job on the East coast. I myself feel more at home in the East coast, and we agreed that we would eventually move back anyways, the pandemic just heightened his need to be back East since he was stuck at home all the time.

He now has easy access to all of his family and friends, all of them a 2-6 hour car ride away. I on the other hand left behind good friends and the only family members that ever treated me right, so I felt like there was some level of sacrifice that I made to ensure we could both be happy. I thought he would be happier.

He’s been out of work for 6 or 7 months now, trying to transition from teaching to the private sector. He’s now looking for jobs that would require travel to Los Angeles and the Bay Area. I just don’t know what to do. I DON’T want him to travel for work, and I’m realizing there is no perfect place to move to for him to magically feel satisfied – he will always require a job that travels no matter where we live.

It seems like if I could get over these feelings of abandonment through therapy he might feel like I trust him and would be ready to take our relationship to the next step. I have so many feelings of hurt, anger, unworthiness, and abandonment. I don’t feel supported or understood, and I feel like it’s not fair that I should have to change my needs for him… I didn’t realize that he still wished to have a job that required travel.

I’m not sure if I’m even capable of being in a relationship with someone who travels for work, which is a terrifying thing to realize 10 years into a relationship and wanting to get married. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to get married now.

I desperately want to hear how other women have resolved this for themselves.