Well all my best intentions of trying so hard didnt go so well this evening.

My ”loved one” and I met , as a close relation of mine died over the past few days, and my partner wanted to be there for me at this time, and it seemed we were both glad at the prospect of meeting up.

So we met, in local a pub – and I was looking at him with compassion, and thinking to myself that I love this man so much, afresh, in a new light. So the conversation eventually got around to ourselves, after chat about family, and he said basically said that the didnt want to discuss our situation much, but that he loves me and always will, and that we just need to see how things pan out.

Then the conversation about us went on a bit – he discussed a guy in work, a close colleague, and how this guy is very ‘black and white’, in that he has a very simple and easy relationship with his wife – they are very close, argue very little, and they are very kind and good to eachother. They also joke with eachother, and mess around – if they see a good looking person in the street, the wife may say -” look at her she is nice”. And she jokes ”oh when we are 60 ill find someone for you and we will have a threesome” etc. After a bit , I said to my partner – Yes, I know I have made you feel in the past that to look at another woman is kind of bad – and I am sorry, as that may have made you feel that you had to hide that natural impulse from me – at which point he exploded – he said ” there you are again trying to say that I was in fact looking at women when I wasnt, I always told you the truth ” He said ”I was always honest with you, as I am not afraid of you ” He immediately felt it as an accusation – whereas I genuinely meant it as exactly what I had been thinking to myself – that I had been controlling, monitoring, and I meant it as an example of where I myself had gone wrong – not him.

But for him this was a major affront – he said – ” im sorry I came to meet you, I shouldnt have come, and I wont meet you for a long time”….Anyway, suffice to say it was so awful, as i really feel like he totally took me up so wrong, and I tried to explain myself. I told him that i love him as he is, that I know I should never have tried to be so controlling etc.

But I know he still went off pissed off and annoyed, and most certainly thinking, Im not sure she is the one for me….

Now I feel : how can this repair itself – the wounds of the relationship look too deep , and maybe the wounds in us, for it to heal – Im not sure if he will ever trust me (and remember ironically it is me with trust issues, yet i feel he cant trust me) enough to ever truly let me in.

Living apart with all this – I just dont know if he will see the good in waiting for me – he will be mingling with like minded people in his industry, free and easy, loving life on his own without an asshole like me weighing him down.

Maybe I should move on and realise that it can never work?

Broken hearted
Barbs.

Thank you Matt. Yes, that incessant need to know, and need to be reassured is really strong, so I have to try to let it go, and release it.

Im finding it very hard the last few days, as the physical separation (even though he says we are not over, and that he is still fighting for us etc ) is very hard. I miss him here in the evenings, his smile, his presence. Its hard not to be able to talk to him as regularly as we always did. I feel that disconnect, as we are not physically together like we were. With his long hours I cant just pick up the phone, and as we are trying to take some space I cant do that anyway, as Im trying to respect the process.

I still wonder, with living apart, if we will survive the physical distance. There is love there on both sides, and I guess I have to have faith that if we are meant to come back together as life partners, that we will grow form this transition, and that maybe it will make us realise that we are willing to meet in the middle, with more understanding, and more compassion and love – that is what I hope, because right now the fear of loosing him in the meantime, is making my stomach heave, and I find myself driving the car and bawling crying all of a sudden ! Everything seems to ressonate of him, everywhere.

Im really trying to be strong, but I feel so lonely. Even though he is there in the background I feel he is gone from me. And that fear that I might loose him is making me anxious and unsteady. I want to run to him but I cant.

I have to try to be strong, and to allow things to unfold, but its so hard, as Im afraid it will slip from my fingers.

Warm wishes
Barbs.

Well now that we are taking the time out, the time has come for me to be alone with myself, and to discover if the relationship is good for us, and for me.

My partner has been in touch – says his still loves me, and is still fighting for us, in that he is still here rather than walking away. He is trying to do whats best to give eachother time to think, and to see if our lives and hearts are compatible, and if we can make it work.

We both have very different careers – he is a chef, I am a teacher, so the hours and the metaphorical distance (as in, he gets in late, and I get up early, so sometimes we are like ships passing – his days off are when I work, etc ) can get between us. When he comes in he is tired etc etc.

Now that I am on my own in the house – it feels strange, all the familliar things are here, yet he is not, yet I kind of do have a sense of peace right now, that we are doing the right thing. I will probably feel very lonely in the night time, and miss him beside me, but I have to try and remember – we are doing this for the right reasons.

One thing that I know will be a challenge for me is Trust – I have a very hard time trusting, as I was badly burned. One of my main areas of lets say ”challenges” is porn, as I had to let an ex fiancee go as a result of his severe porn habit. That ex partner never wanted to discuss it, he shut me out, and told me it had nothing to do with me – that was so rejecting, and I just felt so helpless and unwanted. My current partner, who I am trying to work things through with, has felt the pain of this too, as I often question him, and ”check in” with him to amke sure he is not using porn.

When we started living together, three years ago, I discovered a porn site on our lap top and I was so dissapointed, but he told me his friend had told him to look at something ”funny” there, while he was on the phone to him, and that even when he was single he was never bothered with it much. I believe him, as the particular friend would certainly find such things amusing. At the time he said I was over reacting, as I was very annoyed, but a couple of days later he came back to the issue, and spoke to me again about it. He said he understood fully that I was hurt, and my hurt etc is valid, and that it is degrading, and he promised me he would not be watching it, even though he never saw it as a big deal (he was 27 at the time, so still young I guess ) as he could see how hurt I had been from my previous relationship. He siad he respects my stance on it and respects that…….However I always had a hard time trusting him, and i would ask again every so often – which would hurt him, as he felt questioned and not trusted.

The problem is now that we are taking time out my head spins a bit – what if he is diong this or that behind my back, now that I am not there !! It scares me, and I end up spinning, and worrying, and it hurts.

I would love your advice Matt, or anyone else on how to trust around these issues, as when I get dragged into the” what if’s” I visualise it happening, and really it is me obsessing I guess, but it all scares me,

Thanks guys
Barbs.

Wow – I really am so glad to get your amazing and insightful responses, Matt and Sara, and Im kind of speechless here !!

Matt, that is so true – the part about me being quite teacher like in my responses : trying to contol and to guide another person. And it is very true, that he indeed teaches me lessons, many of which are sometimes hard for me to make sense of at the time, but that is so true.

My Mother was very domineering, controling and very argumentative in the home, and as a child I felt helpless against her constant arguments, and her need to be right. Later in therapy I found out I had attatchment issues, and that we never really bonded, as she was emotionally unavailable to me as a child, and it really has remained that way. She argued with the television, and wanted to bring everyone who disagreed around to her way of thinking. It was as if she was threatened by others opinions, as they made her feel unstable, on shaky ground so to speak. She is a strong feminist (nothing wrong with that) but her views are very rigid and often she is frightening in an argument. She often stopped me getting close to my Father, as this also felt like a threat to her. This was a horrible tyrrany in our home, and yet I hear my own voice at times bearing twinges of the same need for control and ultimately reassurance. My Father was passive, soft, a caring and gentle man, yet he had and has firm Catholic morals (not the extreme type, more that we were told right from wrong, and there were no grey areas)

I developed anorexia, or very close (never hospitalised etc) during college. I think as a way of controling the only thing I felt I could, as I had felt so alone for so long. I had anxiety attacks and spouts of depression, but went on to do my degree, and my post grad. I went for a wrong guy in college and spent my time with him instead of enjoying myself, and instead of mixing. He was emotionally abusive. Looking back I dont know how I managed, how I had the energy, through the fog of it all, for those years.

Sara – I am so shocked at our similarities, as my last partner and fiancee (in my previous relationship before this one) turned out to be a sex addict. We were engaged to be Married, and I gradually I found he was having online sex, alongside copious amounts of very extreme porn, etc, but like you I just had a disgusting feeling in my gut that he was not safe, and I knew he was capable of betraying me if the opportunity arose, as I found out more about his lack of a moral compass. I nearly had a breakdown, as I just couldnt believe somebody would do so many unfaithful things to a person, and say they love me all the while – it makes no sense to me, and I hated him for so long, until I finally accepted what had happened. He left a real scar in my trust, because I couldnt understand how he could throw me away for the sake of his thrills, and my jealousy and disgust ate me up for so long, and my self esteem was in tatters. Gradually though I felt happy again – I bought my little house, had that detatchment from my family, and yet had a comfortable relationship with my mother (as comfortable as I can), I started yoga, I felt independent and great ! And then I met the Chef.

So to my current relationship Sara, in many ways, like you, I kind of allowed myslef to fall for someone who is different to me, and has elements of them that I see as possible deal breakers. He is from a different background (economically so to speak ) – yet in many ways we share the same background of family discord – he is adopted, and his adopted father mistreated his mother, and then just left them – so, as he pointed out recently, we have a kind of understanding of hardshops and struggles. He helped his mother, who he really admires, to feel strong again when he was only a young teenager, and went out and worked from a young age (also started experimenting with drugs at a young age too as this was the norm in his area, and this kind of lingered on into his 20’s, and is still slightly present, as I said)

But he taught me to trust again in the beginning – I had to discuss my issues around trust with him, and he was compassionate, and understanding around the issues I had gone through in my previous relationship. He assured me that he respects my boundaries around the internet etc, and he said none of that kind of stuff is important to him. He hates the lack of trust I have for him now though, which crept in over time, and Im hoping its based on my past experience, and not my gut !! (you see – I cant even tell if I can trust that its just my past experience – and I worry about getting duped again – and I second guess everything) The trust part is the hardest for me – how would I know if he is cheating etc – that other person in my life hid it well for so long. That is what scares me – to trust again and to have a web of lies drawn over my face – I dont think I could bear it again. He feels undervalued, and often says that I should know who he is and what he is capable of. The need I feel to question him is horrible, and can be overwhelming. I feel like I need to check in with him evert so often to check that he still respects my boundaries, just in case !!! And I have a near phobia of phones, laptops, anything internet related. I dont check his phone or anything, but I worry.

In life I have a good job, good friends, etc, but the one thing that eludes me is mastery in the area of relationship. I am trying to learn and grow, and I hope it will all unfold the way it is supposed to. My therapist thinks a break would do us both good to reassess what is going on, and for me to get more independent, self sufficient etc. Yes I will be wondering who, where, what, when, in terms of what he is doing when we are not together during the break – but maybe that is what I need, and to see if we both feel we have what it takes to go the distance.

I would be interested to hear what you think about a break Matt, if you have any insights on that 🙂

Warm Regards
Barbara.