Hi E and Matt
i made the same mistake with stepping away from tiny buddha and my self care. I have to try to do the same as u E. Back on the cushion Matt- so true.
I am litterally in inertia about letting go of my relationship, and i feel deeply ashamed that i cant just “do what i have to do” but sometimes i just procrastinate because i love him and i am avoiding having to grieve. As much as i love him – we are not meeting eachothers needs and we want to change eachother. It is hard to let go. And the guilt i feel for wasting my time is so strong. I know im going against myself, but my love and attatchment to him keeps me here on this merrygoround.

I have missed Tiny Buddha, and want to wish you a happy new year. I hope it will be a good year.
Lots of warm wishes 🙂 and i hope you are well.
Barbs.

Dear Jane 16,
Everything that has been said i can only echo – you will make it, and you deserve the best, as an honest and decent woman. I know the pain of betrayal. Its awful, horrible, like a pain both physical and emotionally tearing us apart. But that what seems to overpower us will not. You ar strong and you will push on thru as you said. U will emerge as you again, and you will see that you will be happy.

We are all rooting for u and wihing u a happy new year – which you will have, despite all of this.

Follow your path.
Blessings and warm wishes sister. Xx
barbara, dublin, ireland !

Hi Sonja

Im really sorry to hear the latest update. I am dissapointed for you.

What I think is, that he has not learned to live life in a destructive manner – for whatever reason, but I think its best for you not to dwell on the why’s.

What has come to light is that he is not in a position to offer you the stability, love, trust, peaceful relationship that you as a person needs. I dont think his current situatuon would sit well with any women. The main thing is to take the focus off him – and onto you – what do you want ? What do you need ?What can you put up with ? Are you willing to wait to see when he wakes up to himself ? because we dont know when that time will be – and judging by his current behavior, and his unhelpful ways of behaving ( for whatever reason – stress / escapism / immaturity / avpoiding reality / childhood issues ) you could be waiting a long time. He seems in denial and unaware of himslef and the concequences of his actions.

Tomorrow I go and see my councellor / therapist – and I will be saying the above to her also – I will be asking her how can I come to a really firm decision, to either stand by a man who cannot fully be a grown up, or let him go. Im my case he does not have other women (or so I hope) but his issues are , as I said – smoking weed at night and being glassy eyed / drinking / not coming home at a decent time, occasionally till early hours etc. I have to ask – although he is kind, caring, etc, hard working, loving, affectionate, and we do enjoy time together – how can I possibly see a future when he is carrying on such unhelpful, habituall behaviours, and making the realtionship like a bloody endurance test. Im tired, and im not peaceful within this…….he would have to change so radically, that he would have to almost become someone else !!! Or really consciously decide to change these behaviors. And lets be honest……….. Im dreading telling him ”ok we have to split you can take your things as soon as you can etc ” Im afraid Im letting a good thing go – but how can it be that good when it hurts like this. He said the other day ”believe in me ” – but im tired of asking for changes in behavior, tired of being annoyed, stressed, and meditating to get away from the pain ! (although thank god for meditation)

Oh Sonja, – you have no choice – how could you do anything else other than let him go. In your heart wish him well and let him go on the journey – as he best get started, as he has a long and winding road ahead. Maybe we need to do Metta meditaion – and wish them peace, love, and harmony, wish that they find fulfillment not just in pleasure and escapism, but real life, real people with real needs, and let them be happy. Even if they do it in their unskillful way – they have to find their own way to happiness. Im sure if you look you can see that neither of these men are settled, at peace, or calm. My partner is always jumpy, cant relax, has to be doing something. There is no real sense of peace there (unless he is having a splif !! ) Which is sad to me. They deserve to give themselves better, but we cant do it for them. We cant make them see. They deserve inner peace, not to run away from the now – but we cannot change them.

Keep going on your path Sonja – and im truly sorry for you pain. But this is really so much about him, not you at all. He is not able to give you what you , or what a realtionship needs, so we have to say Namaste ”do no harm” and just try as hard as it is to detatch (even though my partner still lives with me I have been nurturing independence and detatchment, through meditation, yoga, walks, cooking, nice candles. ) We have to look after ourselves. And we have to be proud of ourselves for loving, and for trying.

Many hugs and love Sonja
xxxx Take care.

yes Sonja, I’d like that. How can i send u my email in private though ? Im just a bit wary of posting my email online.

Yes I agree – change is necessary in a big way. But im not sure my partner wants to – in fact he tells me he is not ready to change , which leads me to think of saying ”get lost, I dont need this crap ! ”, but I have not said that yet , at least not seriously, and actually followed through. I have 10 days holidays from work now, in which time I intend to really think, and really say to myself that I have to decide. I think deep down I know I cant accept him, his looser friends, his drugs, his habits, his lies, and his nonsense, but it is love that keeps me here, compassion, in spite of all the anger I feel. Every time I nearly say goodbye, I buckle.

I really have not got time on my side though, so I better hurry up !

I also intend to go out with good friends, and keep my strength up – I know I am stronger from my meditation, and my mindfulness, and from my job that I love. These things all keep me sane ! I know I can do it without him, he is not my life, and I would probably be happier in time, without him. I know I would probably travel more, spend less time worrying, be generally less anxious.

Yep, we have got to stay strong Sonja. Think of how we can get in touch, if u have any good ideas let me know, and Id love to get in touch (am I being paranoid as regards the email thing ?)

Love
xx 🙂

Dear Courageous,

I love Matt’s comment, that the person you can nourish and love now is you. You have probably forgot how deserving you are of your own love. You will be happy again.

The pain is horrible, but at least you know you are loving yourself in letting him go, and doing what you have to do – the only possible thing to do.

Many blessings,
Namaste,
Barbs.

Hi Sonja

Hey Sonja,

Wow, sounds like he has had an awakening, and maybe he realizes what he could loose now – you !

It’s confusing and hard, but I guess you will see with time – give it time, and don’t feel like you have to rush a big decision, talk to him, communicate and listen to each other, but in the mean time, while you are soul searching and deciding what to do – try to look after and nourish yourself, so that no matter what – you will keep that strength up, and you will be in a good position yourself, whatever happens.

Maybe he sees your strength in your pulling away and detaching from the chaos, and that you are able to do things by yourself. This may make him see that he could be left without you. Perhaps he took for granted that you would stick around, and he might see that you stood up for yourself.

Stay strong, and like Jaishree said, – you have lots of strength indeed, and you are right – love can conquer a lot, and maybe love can find a way here !

Good luck, and keep us posted 🙂
Namaste
Barbs xx.

Hi Again Sonja,

No , you are not a crazy nut – see it more that you are a kind and loving person, and you are dissapointed that he cannot see what damage he has done – made it impossible for you to go back, in effect. You are sad that it is his loss – that he will not wake up to himself – and I am in exactly the same boat.

Currently, in an irony of all ironies – my partner who came in at 8 am this morning, after a drunken staff night out last night – is in the spare room, I could not have him in the bed near me after his behavior . I will also have to do what you are doing Sonja. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt – but the ‘off’ button does not exist for him. He didnt answer my calls last night and I got about 2 hours sleep from worry and stress, and being upset. He was barely coherent when he came in, and was barely making sense. I trusted, or wanted to believe, that he would come home at a decent hour, or at least wanted to – no, wrong again. I shouted and roared at him, a I was so angry 🙁

He smokes weed every night after work in the garden, does coke about 4 times a year (that I know of ) and generally this causes me pain, discomfort, lack of harmony. It upsets my inner peace, although I try not to let it as much as it used to. He also works 14 hour days. I meditate, look after myself and try to cope – but like you – imagine if we had kids ??? Thank God for that, that we dont, or it would be a whole other world of pain. So what does that tell us – that if we brought kids into this mess, it would not be right, it would not be good for them, or for anybody. So what is there to do only let go ? Let them have the freedom of a single life – as they are clearly not ready for a nice calm one !

Im terified to do it, to tell him to go, and get out of my life – I have been putting it off for so long, as I know I will miss his hugs, him just being there (when he is there ) Im afraid I will regret it (see my thread ‘Decisions’ and ‘decisions again’ – Matt gave me great advice on self care, which has been invalubale in helping me stay sane) and I am afraid I’m too late now at 36 to meet someone – but I HAVE to do it soon – because how long can I carry on with this.

Well done brave sister, say a prayer for me that I can be strong enough to do the right thing also, like you.

Oh I will cry – I will cry, and wail, because I do love him, and I try to make him see sense, but ultimately – he is not capable, currently, and possibly never – of committing and settling in his own skin. That is a pity – as it is a waste. And yet, he said this morning ”I have done nothing wrong”.

We will get there, and well done to you for taking the steps you have – to a happier path that you deserve.

Love
Namaste
Barbs.

Wow, I had to respond to this one !

I am so sorry for your pain, and I went through feelings of the same nature in a previous relationship , due to the persons inability to think with his brain instead of his nether regions. It is painful, and causes feelings of anger, jealousy, feeling not good enough etc, but it will get better.

The problem here is that, the person is being very self – centered, focusing on their own selfish wish for gratification and pleasure. They are not thinking of you, and how it feels for you, and even if he does – his mind sees his desires as more important. Once trust has been broken to this level – it is very very hard to get it back, and to even trust yourself again (which you will eventually) It gives us that icky feeling of not knowing what is true and what is not – its a truly horrible feeling, but you will find peace again. (try to meditate, bathe, use nice relaxing music,) Remind yourself that this is his issue – not yours. His side, his mess – and it has nothing to do with you. He made those choices (and the feeling unloved excuse is a low effort at trying to deflect from his own disgraceful behavior)

I agree with love can conquer all, and that unconditional love is the ideal way to be, but in that context, the person has to really truly want to change, and to work with you . And on your side, you would have to forgive, and trust – which would be very hard in reality. For me I dont think I would be able to, even if I wanted to. I know I would never rest easy, or feel peaceful, as my human nature / logical side would say that if he has these tendencies, he may do it again.

He went a few steps too far here, in my book. Secret credit cards, singles holidays, hook ups, and affairs with an ex ? He seems to have a boundary problem here – that is completely unacceptable in a monogamous relationship !! (what you thought was a monogamous one) You were doing your part – studying, working – and he seems to have been leading a double life !

Im really sorry if I sound hard hearted – but Im just really finding it hard to imagine trusting this person again.

As for black magic – that is not true ! The only black magic here, was his own dark need to do just what he wanted in those moments of greed, and do as he pleased – without thinking of your pain, or of any concequences.

You sound like a lovely person – and only you can decide, but whatever you decide – this is not about you. It wasnt just a mistake, it was behavior over time, repeated, for as long as he could get away with. Whatever stress / issues he had , does not excuse this behavior. He could have spoken to you if there were issues to discuss, instead of doing this.

Please take care of yourself – be around good people, friends, family, maybe look up a councellor in your area for yourself. (he certainly needs to see someone too ) And please put the idea of black magic out of your mind – these were choices, by a grown adult.

I am really sending you a hug – be good to yourself, and do what makes you happy in your heart. We all deserve peace and happiness.

Love,
Barbs