Ha 🙂 thanks Matt…im laughing – kick his butt out the door !!

You know what keeps me going is the living breathing beautiful creature here on my knee – my little perfect cat. Sounds mad but she survived cancer and she is loved by everyone ! She head butts me in the morning, sleeps on my bed, and she is the most loving creature – the embodiment of perfection ! Im lucky to have her, and lits of other beautiful people and things in my life. I guess these things are reminding me that life still goes on ! I have my kids at school, my friends, my family ( and my repaired relationship with my mother – through meditation and mindfulness i forgave her for her emotional absence )

These are all gifts – and i cannot be ungreatful for all that i do have, just because i cant get what i “want” in this situation.

Namaste
Warmth and peace
Barbs.

Thanks Matt for believeing in me ! 🙂 Trying hard to believe in myself, with all the self blame and whipping myself.

But i went to work , concentrated in the kids, and they lifted my spirits, as they always do. They are just how i wish i could be – just happy and care free. I love my job,.and it was good to see neutral people, who see me as good at my job and competent, and just talk about ordinary things. I confided in my 2 best friends at work – and it made me feel nice that they know about it, in the event that i need to talk. Other than that i want to keep it to myself and be strongvin my job. I cant let the children down. They are in their first year at school and need all my full attention. This is not bigger than them.

I just have that feeling that i want him back, but have stood strong in not calling or txting, as i cant let myself beg someone who seems to have pulled away. I would love to talk to him, but in my rational mind i know the lonely nights and walks on my own, feeling sad, was not happiness ( still trying to figure was that my codependency or was it him and the relationship – thats the real thingcthat keeps me thinking – was it my insecurities making my path to joy impossible, or was it the fit being not fully compatible – could it work if i put asside all judgement and all neediness ??? )

Im trying to stay in the moment – put it in the hands of a higher power, and let it pan out ( he still has all his belongings here though, so maybe that too is keeping me slightly calm ) Im trying my best i guess, and im proud that i didnt cry at work – i stayed with myself and my focus was those children, who think im the grown up !!

Thank you Matt, you are a friend to us all and to mother earth herself 🙂

With warmth and grattitude

Barbs 🙂

Hi Michela,

I didnt see your message until now – wow it sounds like you have a very loving relationship, and you have found a real balance,

Yes I have to love myself, and reassure myself – and I just wish I could have and now its all too late.

It wasnt all his fault – and I should have been self sufficient, but I missed him all the time – those 14 hour days are so lonely when he is working.

I am really feeling his loss – because now I cant fix anything (eccept myself) but I want him back.

Now I feel he is gone as cold as ice – maybe he will hange his phone, move house and ill never see him again – eccept to get his things.

Its very painful to realise that I should just have let him be, why was I always prodding and poking at him.

Big regrets,

Barbs. xx

Hi Matt,

Thanks, yes I feel that even if he couldnt help it due to his hours – he just wasnt here. Although I love him, this made me claw and scratch at him for affection and I wanted more all the time, as you say – like a hungry person, reaching out for food. I wanted more phone calls, so that I knew he cared, I wanted more in general.

It just really saddens me that he blames me – but I guess he feels that his career was always his career, and he cant change that and I knew him from the start. Its almost as if i see that I should have known at the start that I would have to sacrifice a lot, and if I couldnt do it I should have let him go.

Instead I went to Australia with him for a year, because I didnt want to be without him – and it was again a disaster – him working 14 hours, my visa never came so I was 14 hours alone in a far away place every day. It was the circumstances, but I should have let him go by himself in the first place. Out of fears and worries that i would loose him to someone else I went with him. Instead I selfishly wanted to go with him, so I wouldnt loose him. Maybe these were the warning signs that we were just in different places in our lives too (my career is very stable and the hours very settled, and i have my house, my car – he is really only starting out on his career path – and never had that stable family to help out or guide him in a good direction ) I took a career break, wiped out my savings, and followed my heart.

Then there is our different backgrounds – his friends, drug use that they engage in occasionaly, the chef lifestyle, and the differences in us seem that we are incompatible.

It just really makes me sad that he ever was adopted into that family – where would he be now if he was elsewhere – who knows. His poor birth mother gave him up thinking he was going into a loving home, and he went into a bad area, a father who was absent and violent, and he started work at 14 on a milk round, then workking as a chef from 16. Just life makes me sad in this way – maybe he would have gone to college and had a father figure, if he was in a differnt family and had more choices. But who the hell am I to say what somebodys destiny could or would be. It is what it is in this moment.

And in this moment he is done. Last night he called me, as I had asked him to – and he said ”i have walked along the cliffs with you for too long now I need to get down off them and pick myself up and start again” I felt so sad and said, ”please dont shut me out”. His answer was ”i dont see a future with you”, right now there is no chance. 3 / 4 months down the line there is more chance of a possibility, but not now ”

So thats it – any choice is taken from me – he is calling the shots, and he has let go.

I will have to try as you said Matt to self care, and try to get on with it. I spoke to my friend, who has no insecurities, and she said ”I couldnt have dealt with the chef hours and I am not insecure” – this slightly puts my mind at rest that Im not weak, and that many others couldnt do it either. I will have to try now to set him free, and to let him go. I cant wail and beg – he has made up his mind. I will try to get my act together and keep going, however hard it is. I will really try to reach out and not to be alone – as I know my mind will take me down all sorts of avenues – where is he, did he meet another woman etc – so I have to keep busy now, and try not to cave in.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart Matt, for taking the time to talk to me. I really helps.

Namaste,
Peace and happiness,
Barbs.

Hi Mark

Thank you for your kind response, I really appreciate it.

Yes, im full of grief, shame, doubt and all of those not so nice emotions. Thank you – it helps just to know you are there in kindness.

Many thanks i will try to breathe. Yes i like that movie and phrase !

Yes i will try to meditate, and do my best to sit and feel it.

Wishing you peace and happiness too.

Barbs.