Desmondred,

As I was reading your post, my heart immediately sank. You sound EXACTLY like my recent partner, I don’t know if you are him though, sounds like you are still together with your gf. I broke up with my partner. I carefully read your post a few times and a part of me wants to imagine him writing these words. I can sense some guilt, remorse and acceptance of your behaviour and realization that somewhere deep down you knew what you were doing all along and chose to be in denial just to avoid coming to face with reality buried deep inside you.

Pretending you are a twin brother of my partner this is what I would say to him as someone who has been on an exactly similar receiving end of things.

-Do not worry about becoming ” truly relaxed ” at this point. If you genuinely care about wanting to change not just for the sake of your relationship but to be a better person then this is a time for you to be uncomfortable. If you are still focused on getting rid of these uncomfortable thoughts and realizations ( which is natural and could be very overwhelming) I cannot foresee change for you. In essence you are not only avoiding the other person but also running away from yourself. You mentioned ” I try to avoid confrontations at all cost, no matter their size or significance.” If you can somehow see the problem, and can accept there has been a pathology of being fundamentally dishonest in the past/ present then you need to sit with this gut wrenching discomfort rather than running away as the default.

– You said “you sought external acceptance (which was interpreted by my SO as being flirty and promiscuous, can’t blame her for that). I failed time after time, apologized and promised to stop doing that”. Have you reflected on why you seek external acceptance ? What is it that you are trying to fill ? How does this behaviour affect those that you draw close ? You have created unhealthy and toxic habits that gives you temporary pleasures but deep down you know these activities and behaviour are still not enough to make you feel “enough”. Hence the guilt. Be very honest with yourself. Were these activities part of a habit or do they essentially fulfill a void temporarily and you constantly crave that feeling? You mentioned ” I’m so short-sighted that sooner or later I’ll do something I shouldn’t do and it’ll backfire at me.”- You need to recreate patterns and practically re-wire signalling in your brain that is used to seeking pleasure from disruptive activities. It is an addiction, you are failing to stop lying even when you intend to do so because your brain does not weigh out the long term repercussions. You want to stop but you can’t because the urge is so STRONG. It is used to instant gratification and it seeks that in these activities. Imagine a diagram ( Feels broken/ low self esteem/ dislike one selves —->; looks to activities/ people to fill this gap/ brokenes —–>finds people—->lies to maintain the relationship—->loses the person as a result—-> starts again. You need to constantly remind yourself of the BIGGER picture, it takes practice but can be done. Resort to other coping mechanisms once you get these urges. And you will get these much stronger than before, because trying to get off an object of pleasure will lead you to have withdrawl effects.The pleasure seeking area of you mind is extremely active and needs a constant supply. It is a very powerful force, do not underestimate it. You need to retrain your brain. Practice practice practice. Start somewhere..maybe change one thing and do it differently.

-“I used to lie a lot about myself just to be accepted and seen as “awesome person” by other people”. There is a cognitive dissonance here, you fundamentally do not believe you can be good or there is any good in you hence you wear a facade and lie to be seen as good. Maybe go deeper and ask why you think others need to see you as awesome?? This strong need to be accepted. How was your relationship with you family members, parents, caregivers ? Did they make you feel safe, secure and re-assured ? Oftentimes we follow these patterns into adulthood seeking constant attention and validation from other people.

– When you say its just your relationship romantic relationships, I doubt that is the case. The so called ” band of bothers” who trust you so much. Do you think once you reveal that you have a tendency to lie and you keep repeating it over and over. Do you think they will still trust you? All the short lived relationships that you entered with poor outcomes, what was the role of the other person? You said you lashed out at her in the past and will probably do so? This is the point where you need to let go of the relationship because you are not ready to completely fix things instantly. Like Anita said, the abuser cannot heal the abused. Perhaps let her know that you are GENUINELY remorseful and apologize for all the pain you have caused her. Do not promise her you will change according to some timeline because you are JUST coming to terms with ” some problem” there is a lot more you need to explore and uncover.

I can tell you one thing. Day in and day out I hope for my recent partner to show that he feels an inch of remorse. Maybe he does maybe he doesn’t, I won’t know. I want to believe that he is remorseful and AWARE of the problems at hand and the suffering he has caused me and those before me. Unfortunately, he does’t seem to care. I don’t think he has even reached a point of acceptance like you have. I haven’t heard from him since last he blocked me ( now it makes sense thats his way of avoidance) but I don’t think he will ever understand how damaging it is…I am happy for you regardless at least you can see her pain..and accept you have caused it rather than be denial like my partner. Nothing hurts more than knowing that your SO doesn’t even realize the damage his actions and behaviour caused. He told me he loved me on the last day we parted but I do think it was another way to disarm me in the moment to buy him more time ( a way that you described)and only to disappear later on. But little does he know that I sincerely meant it when I said I loved him. Don’t try to run away from this discomfort… this is a blessing. I can relate to your partner. I did wait and stand by patiently thinking he would change some day. It is truly painful to have to go through this experience. Anyway I wish you good luck. I am sincerely happy that you still have the capacity to empathize to some extent. A lot of people don’t even realize the damage they have caused. You have started a journey, keep going. You need to be uncomfortable, only within the depths of discomfort you will find all the solutions you are looking for as cliche as it sounds. Give it time. Apologize to those you have hurt,( not because you want to look awesome or good in the eyes of your friends and others, but because you can imagine how painful it must have been for the other person to have loved you, be attached to you and then be treated like this). Sometimes a little sincerity goes a long way for healing. You would be surprised how forgiving people can be. It will help you overcome your own guilt and aid in the process of your own healing as well.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Bambi.