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October 22, 2017 at 2:56 pm #174245JeffParticipant
Anita
What I probably meant back when I wrote that was I wasnât allowed as a child to make many mistakes. Parents were not overly strict, but expected success. An example was that my grades growing up were paid a certain amount for A,B and Câs. The catch was that the only way to get paid was all Aâs.
We have my loneliness as a kid. The prevailing thought is that I have never fit in in any specific group: smart kids, jocks, nerd etc.
I guess the problem I am having now is that I am holding my ex girlfriend on a pedestal and I cannot take her down. Even though my counselor (who I have been seeing since before that breakup) states that during the relationship I was miserable. My friends say the same thing: I was never happy. But my ex girlfriend and I never talked for more than 1-2 minutes about getting together more. It was immediately shut down as âI canât do itâ.
Not sure what else I can tell you right now.
October 22, 2017 at 11:02 am #174213JeffParticipantAnita
I would agree with your assessment of my childhood. I always felt left out. Be it due to being shy and not trying to participate in school or just awkward in social situations. That awkwardness has gotten much better and I am now comfortable in social situations.
I have always strived for goals, and in regards to my divorce, it has always seemed that I failed that relationship. So I always considered marriage to be life long. So in essence I failed.
Iâm not sure about your assessment of my ex. I would see her so infrequently that I donât think I wore her out. I do know that our goals were very different. I wanted to move past the occasional dates and dinners out. I would have liked to get our kids together more. At the time I thought I had all that I wanted, but didnât get what I needed: love. Again an assumption I had was that after 2.5 years together âloveâ would be in our vocabulary (she never said it to me). Also most people who know me when I told them we broke up they would say âgoodâ or âthat is definitely for the bestâ. Now that is obviously my friends and family saying that, so a skewed group.
July 22, 2017 at 1:28 pm #159626JeffParticipantWell she did text me today and told me she needs to move on. She is going to focus on her kids and be alone. So it is done and I’m numb and heartbroken.
She was what I thought I wanted. Of course she was smart, witty, hard nosed and beautiful. But in the end did not love me. She gave me everything I wanted but couldn’t give me what I needed/craved: love.
Not sure how or how long this will take me to see daylight again. But I feel crushed. Life right now sucks again feel like a rudderless boat in the ocean.
Thanks to all that have responded.
Jeff
July 21, 2017 at 10:26 am #159406JeffParticipantDawn and others
Yes it has been difficult this week. I keep thinking she is going to call and give me the “no it isn’t going to work or yes maybe it could work out”. Â The “I’m thinking about it” response just got my hopes up for 24 hours and then I came crashing down. I wish there was a way to get closure or now how she feels. But there isn’t and I cannot keep going back to the well on my hands and knees. I deserve no answers as we have broken up, but deep down I thought that there would be some conclusion. I guess this proves the point of not getting in contact with your ex.
I am not sure how to move on. I do want to spend some time alone, but not sure how to do that since I have never done it. I tried it this week and I feel like a loser and everyone knows that I am single with few friends in the area.
So at this point still struggling with all of this, but I guess in reality it truly has only been 2 weeks. It just seems longer and I seem to feel worse over the last few days.
Thanks Jeff
July 18, 2017 at 5:11 pm #158880JeffParticipantTo All:
So to those following this thread, we broke up 2 weeks ago. I then asked about a break or getting back together. Or to at least think about reconciling. Bad on my part part I know. She then texted 1 hour later “I’m thinking about it…”
All of that was 1.5 days ago. I’m pretty sure she is going to say “let’s be friends”. I needed to know that there is no chance so that I could move forward.
Not sure why I’m writing this because I have made the decision to get to know myself better, but I always thought there was the possibility of reconciling with her in the future.
I have now made my confusing life even more confused.
Here are the goals I have set forth:
1. Better at my job and better customer satisfaction
2. Spending time with myself and getting to know what I want
So thank you for all of your responses and here’s to the future and whatever it may hold.
July 16, 2017 at 10:49 am #158382JeffParticipantThank you for all the replies!
X thanks for showing Brav3 topics.Â
Today has been extremely difficult. Sundays were our brunch days and relaxing days. No contact with her has been extremely difficult. Ran today and I really struggled. Half way through took out my phone and almost called. Didn’t but wanted to. I miss so much and I do understand some of that is my own comfort.Â
Was texting my sister and wrote “not sure why I want a person who is emotionally unavailable and couldn’t verbalize to me she loved in my life”. But it is there almost every minute. Trouble eating is my biggest problem. And I love to eat.Â
So im starting to look at meditation and mindfulness. Need to do something as life right now just seems too hard and purposeless.Â
July 15, 2017 at 11:47 am #158290JeffParticipantHow do you seach the forums for either Brav3 or the topic mentioned I would be very interested in reading this.
I am completely distraught with the way my life is turning out. It’s frustrating that I gave her my all and was rejected. I feel like if I gave my ex more alone time then I wasn’t getting what I needed. I wasn’t getting what I needed as it was. I just feel like I pushed her away and I’m a complete loser. I also want to call/text her and I know that is not something that will change the situation. I cannot change her craving for alone time. I am also starting to realize that maybe that all was an excuse and she had just lost her feelings for me, even though she said she had them.
Still dazed and alone!
July 15, 2017 at 4:55 am #158226JeffParticipantThanks Craig. I looked at his website and I will look at it again. Seems like some good reading.
Dawn, not sure why I cannot be alone. I just fear that I’ll turn into the person that others will say “poor Jeff, life never really turned out for him”. I also think it has been conditioned in me to be in a relationship. I was not happy in college, when I couldn’t find someone special. I also think what scares me is the fact that I’ve never been alone and I don’t know how to do it. I’ve always had someone to bounce things of off or know that someone is out there for me. Right now I just feel very isolated. Tomorrow I have nothing planned and I’m afraid of that (boredom, constantly thinking of ex and all of my failures). The alone time just feels wrong.
July 14, 2017 at 2:35 pm #158170JeffParticipantSo it has been 2 weeks and today was the worst. I had a breakdown 2x. Once at the DDS office. It was embarrassing. Last time I had anxiety there and my ex texted me out of the anxiety. Â I also went a trail run, first time, and couldn’t help but think about all the hiking my ex and I did. Again another breakdown.
I don’t have social support outside the work environment. I have friends I can reach by text or call. But that is it. So I am basically alone. I am also petrified about the future. It is going to take me getting out there alone and I’m not sure I can do it. I have always been shy and it’s tough for me to meet people. Work is also not a place to meet others as I work in a medical clinic.
I met my recent ex through online dating and not sure about that right now either. It may seem like I am wallowing, but I am scared about being alone.
I have a counselor and we are working on some things like why I’m always looking for validation, low self esteem and overall low self worth.
If anyone has a few good books to read about any of this let me know. Really struggling with life at this point, but as Craig has said 1 foot in front of the other.
July 10, 2017 at 8:08 pm #157414JeffParticipantThank you Craig, Dawn and Anita. I am struggling with this. I knew it was coming and I still struggle. It is true what studies say, a broken heart is like taking away a drug from an addict.Â
It has gotten slightly better over the last few days but I’m constantly talking about and I don’t want to wear my friends out. It’s very similar to my divorce, except unfortunately, I’ve been down this road before. Not sure what I’m going to do. Right now I’m working and kind of vegging out at home in the evenings. It has been exhausting so I’m doing a lot of resting.
Im glad and appreciative of the responses.
July 8, 2017 at 9:40 am #157046JeffParticipantCraig
I agree that wanting more time together wasn’t wrong, I do sometimes feel like I should have tried harder to give her that. My friends kept telling me they didn’t understand why she couldn’t give more time to me. My two best and most trusted friends quit talking about it because they thought it was a toxic relationship for me.
Im struggling with new town, new job, limited friends (actually in the area) and too much free time. My kids are here every other weekend so that creates much open time. I work 4.5 days a week. But all my evenings need to be filled in.
Im lonely and miserable. But my friends are telling I was the same with her on the nights I didn’t see her.
And the constant ruminating and urge to reach out are out of control!
- This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Jeff.
July 8, 2017 at 6:32 am #156980JeffParticipantCraig
I felt that I had “checked out” of my marriage and my ex wife had made allusions to that. Basically she was saying that I was on autopilot and was not fully engaged in my family and kids. Since then I have a much deeper relationship with my kids and I am grateful for that. That was the best thing that has happened post divorce.
No one told me I was too invested, but I wanted more time with my girlfriend. I was everything that I wasn’t in this relationship compared to my marriage. I was very complimentary, warm, a good listener. Unfortunately it wasn’t good enough.
So at this point I am going through the grief of a breakup and I am miserable.
July 8, 2017 at 5:29 am #156976JeffParticipantCraig thanks for the reply.
So she did text the day after we broke up and asked how I was doing. I told her I was sad and wondering if we had made a mistake. I needed to get my kids, so I didn’t really say much else.
Once I got back home and settled a bit I did text back a long text about how I felt when i was with her. If she would reconsider I am here. I’m just not ready to give up yet. I will no longer text or call, but it does take a lot of will not to. Of course I still have feelings for her. I feel like I found someone I really clicked with and we enjoyed each other’s company. I am not sure if I will find that again. I am fearful for the future of being alone and lonely.
I understand it most likely isn’t in the cards for us, but it just makes it difficult that in my marriage I was told I wasn’t invested and now I am told I’m too invested.
I am hurting and not sure what I should do next.
July 3, 2017 at 8:20 pm #156254JeffParticipantDawn
I am afraid of failing and being alone. My divorce hit me so hard as I am goal oriented and failure was never in my vocabulary when growing up, so it still isn’t.
My spiritual life is non existant. I am unsure if agnostic or atheist. As with all things it seems; not really standing for much at this time. I want to try meditation but I have such a “hamster wheel” mind that it never shuts off. What podcasts do you use or apps?
I am leaning towards the relationship is not going to work out. I will talk to her (most likely on Thursday) and will see if she can commit more time. She has said in the not too distant past that this is all she can do at this time. I know at times she feels she cannot give me what I need and that seems to be time. When we were in the long distance relationship, this wasn’t a problem.
Life seems to be very difficult at this time.
July 3, 2017 at 5:49 pm #156242JeffParticipantDawn
I agree. I need to address this with SO. She has recently as a few days ago told me that “she cares for me, wants this to work and has my back”. I just don’t know if what I’m doing now is enough to sustain the future. When together we do hit it off. Yes there are moments that we don’t but the majority of the time we do have a great time together.
I’m not sure what I want about anything at this time. I do know that I would like a bit more communication or together time. We have kids of the age they can be alone for 20 minutes to go on a walk or coffee. But she seems to think that that is too much. She hasn’t said intrusive, but that is the feeling I get from her. She has her kids 8 out 14 days and I see her 4-5 of the remaining days. Unfortunately they aren’t spaced out 3 of those days is 1 weekend
in regards to myself I have always feared being lonely. And the last few years I have had quite a bit of alone time which sometimes is lonely. I’m trying to branch out and I recently joined a running club. So thank you for your posts I appreciate it!
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