Hi Matt

Thanks for sharing and I’m glad to say I can identify with this entirely. A very similar situation happened with me – 11 years, two kids and whilst not an affair, an ex who started chatting to someone she started seeing straight away, whilst leaving me in the dark during the final weeks leading to our split.

I can only speak from my experience. It has taken me nearly two years to forgive and to let go of this past relationship. I took up yoga and did a bit of meditation, both of which have helped. I forced myself to move on with my life, and that has definitely helped. I still think of what happened and those events, but time helps an open wound to scar. But the scar will always be there. Accept that. It becomes part of us. I read a brilliant book called The Reality Slap – it helped me to understand what happened, that the only person you really know is yourself and that, over time, you can begin to appreciate what happened because you can’t help but learn from it.

Even if your ex doesn’t show it to you, I guarantee that she will be feel sorry, ashamed even. And if she doesn’t then I would suggest you are better off without her. It is so hard when you share children – I see my ex once or twice every week during handover. But in letting go and forgiving, indifference comes and that is when you will start moving on properly.

We all only have one chance at this thing called life, and we all make mistakes. I would suggest keeping yourself in the present, force yourself to things you enjoy even if you think you won’t enjoy them. Sleep well (that took me some time), exercise, eat well and talk to your friends about your feelings – don’t feel you can’t talk to them even though it was two years ago.

You will get there.

Jamie

It sounds like you are in a difficult situation here. Trust is such an important part of a relationship. I can only give you my thoughts from my perspective… everyone has a different take though. I probably fit into the same mould as you BF – 10 months out of an 11 year relationship with two kids. I’ve started seeing someone for a couple of months and it feels great, but I know in my heart that it isn’t quite there yet. I still harbour feelings for my ex although my head says no.

Sometimes it takes time apart from someone for them to realise their true feelings. I think this is especially the case with someone recently out of a long relationship with someone else. It’s hard to trust yourself when you are in this situation. And that can lead to seeking out attention, sub consciously jeopardising a promising new relationship and distancing themselves.

Perhaps you could ask your BF how he feels when he sees you, spends time with you. Does he feel it in his body? Does he get knots in his stomach when he sees you now? I think that gut instinct is very telling.

In a perfect world, thje timing would be perfect, two people coming together when they are happy with themselves and their lives and you fit together like a jigsaw. But I’m not sure relationships work like that, and I think it is becming more and more common that this situation happens.

It’s a risk. But ask yourself whether you truly want to be with the person. If the answer is yes then I would say its worth that risk if you can get him to be truly honest about his feelings for you now. It might turn out that a time apart actually strengthens your relationship.

Good luck.