Hi Anita,

Thanks for not minding the late replies.

I have been doing a lot better this past three days. I’m not sure if it could be the hemp oil I have been taking for anxiety or just myself.

But I am back here because every weekend it somehow hits me (the argument happened on a weekend) I guess subconsciously I just freak out a bit inside, but I feel it is getting less painful overtime to think about this or I hope so.

I believe you might be correct about my attitude towards wrong doings,  I am very afraid of disappointing anyone and I guess it all comes down from how I’ve been raised as a child.  I am afraid of him finding out and not understanding and having the wrong idea of me. Now I am not that afraid of breaking up because I’ve realized some things I don’t like about him relationship wise, but I do love him as a person and would hate to lose his friendship. Now I’m trying to think about the things my boyfriend has disappointed me in so that I won’t feel so terrible. I notice that I have this idea of him being perfect when I am alone stuck in my head, but when I am with him somehow I feel less bad, maybe because the illusion of perfection breaks.

I know this sounds like I don’t love him or am thinking of breaking up, but I do love him I just keep having moments where I’m insecure about this relationship, I’m not sure why. I keep thinking maybe it is all because I subconsciously am forcing myself to hate him so that if he founds out I won’t be hurt. A part of me really wants to be with him forever and another doesn’t see a future. I hate being on shaky ground like this , it makes me feel like I’m not gonna be able to ever be happy with love.

I am currently trying my best to do the right thing every time so that I can feel good again, just thinking that I did something bad in the past and him not knowing about all of it makes me feel bad every time.

Maybe time should help as I see myself doing more and more good things.

Thanks for the advice, I don’t think I ever believed I was truly a bad person but I do have a big conscience that even as a child made me feel bad for the smallest of things, I was always scared of dissapointing my mom at school so I was always the best, etc. I’m not sure if maybe that’d have to do with now feeling like I’ve disappointed the ones I love (even though they have been very supportive through this) and the fear that I could dissapoint my boyfriend even more. I’m having a hard time trying to convince myself that not telling him everything is good even though it is because the whole truth could hurt him. First time I feel like a bad person because I made a big mistake, and I can’t believe I did it.

And the fact that he has been so good to me and still is after the confession makes me feel like I’m never gonna be able to be as good as him.

Thank you Anita, your words are very wise and helpful. I apologize for the late reply but it has been a crazy week. I got into a car crash last night, thankfully I’m mostly fine. This in a way has helped me focus on the fact that I must be alive for a reason and that is to live my best life , but it has also sparked my anxiety again.

A day after I created this topic, somehow my brain started to feel more calm . I guess because my boyfriend’s words helped me heal a bit and I wasn’t thinking of coming back to this website to be honest, just because I was starting to feel almost normal again and didn’t want any reminders. But here I am back again because of this accident that has brought the bad feelings back.

Reading your last reply helps me tremendously, I do feel like I owe him the whole truth at times as if I was a terrible sinner  but I do know it’d only cause more pain and that I have grown as a person. I unfortunately don’t have insurance currently so therapy is not an option right now but I do think it’d help maybe if I can in the future. Thank you again to you and everyone in this forum who are all very kind people.

The thing that keeps bringing me back to feeling guilty is that I feel like I’ve lied so much to keep this whole secret and my past, there is no one that knows all of my life 100% and I guess I always had this ideal of my life partner knowing all about me and vice versa ; the bad and good . And now this has become impossible with him. I think maybe I have the wrong idea of how relationships should work? I try to be as honest as possible but this mistake has just ruined my chance at being fully honest with him ):

Thank you for replying Anita and yes I have not been in that business for over a year now and cut off contact with that man.  I have told him a month ago what I did but I never mentioned anything about the guy who helped me (not sexually involved at all anymore for years except for the business)  and that is what is killing me sometimes because I feel like I should be completely honest but now it could be too late to say that because he seems to be healing from my confession very well and telling him would just make everything worse maybe.  Last night I mentioned to him that I feel like I don’t deserve him but he told me to not feel that way because he knows it was a mistake and he doesn’t even think about it anymore. That helped a bit but then he said he was glad my conscience was completely clear now and I just said yes even though it’s not true because of that one detail but I hope it goes away if I ignore it.

I guess you are right on the fact that he doesn’t need to know everything but I don’t Know how to get rid of this guilt, my mom says time will help but if you have any advice on this please let me know and thank you again .