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July 5, 2014 at 11:25 am #60248
ayameParticipantHi Dermot,
I felt like I had to reply to your post.
Don’t let this disorder define you; in fact, step away from the word ‘disorder’. It sounds like you are an intelligent guy with a lot to give and you have acknowledged that your current way of thinking and living is not helping you. This is the first step.The second step is committing to change. I am experiencing my own difficulties at present and this is the step I’m struggling with.
Don’t let your age stop you either. I didn’t have sex until a month or do before my 21st birthday; don’t let your age or your ideas about age define you. What has gone before does not have to dictate the present or the future.
I think you could try and look into cognitive behavioural therapy which helps you to change your ideas about things.
I really feel for you and please know that you are not alone.
Best wishes x
July 5, 2014 at 9:19 am #60244ayameParticipantThank you for your reply.
Yes, it is definitely an issue.
I am so stuck inside my own head. It’s exhausting. Going easy on myself has never felt like an option. Even when I’m not working, my head is there. I find it impossible to switch off.
In my mind, I have failed because I always end up back here.June 1, 2014 at 1:48 am #57802ayameParticipantHi Tia,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling that way. I’ve had a similar relationship with meds, but if they help you it may be wise to start taking them again. Have you sat down and thought about what it is that you want? I know it is hard, but it may also help to practice some self compassion. I was recommended the metta meditation which I found quite useful; it’s available on YouTube.
Just remember that the way you’re feeling right now doesn’t have to define you.Best wishes
May 19, 2014 at 10:27 am #56554ayameParticipantThank you to everyone who has responded to my initial posts.
Rebecca: I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing the difficulties you describe. Much of what you have written rings true with me; I too avoid relationships and I do think in some sense that I do get addicted to the pain and discomfort that comes from being irrationally anxious. I think that instead of focusing on ‘why’ (I did this for many years and I still don’t know the answer!) it may be better to just accept that this is happening. It is happening but it doesn’t have to stay this way. I am on what is going to be an incredibly long journey; the past two years have been hellish as I have undertaken a career that is both wonderful and woeful. I think that you need to ask yourself some questions that are value-based: What sort of life do you want? Where do you want to be in this moment? They aren’t easy questions to ask or answer, but it might help.
One thing that I get from what you are saying is the reluctance and fear to leave that anxiety/depression label behind. I feel like my thoughts are intertwined with everything that I am; letting go of this idea is hard but will be one of the most valuable things you do. You are not your thoughts. You are not your illness. You are unique and are here for a reason. I do hope you find peace and please feel free to message me if you want to.
Can I also thank Matt for the metta meditation link; tried it last night and woke up feeling considerably less anxious. It was very calming and simplified everything so thank you.
xxx
May 18, 2014 at 9:51 am #56476ayameParticipantThank you for your kind reply.
I am trying to just “be” with it, but it pervades everything I do at the moment. I have always worked incredibly hard and fear failure and being reprimanded. I feel that taking time for myself takes valuable time away from work and I find it difficult to get back into that mind set after “me time” (which isn’t normally that relaxing because my brain is either in the past or the future).
I do like the idea of getting rid of “should”; it is definitely an issue for me. I do find my anxiety paralysing at times and I find that my attempts to sit with it often make it worse. However, so do ‘distraction’ tasks such as Facebook or going for a walk. I’m now regularly consulting Tiny Buddha for advice.
It’s like I have all the pieces but I can’t get them to fit; I recently finished a course of CBT which helped me to see where I was going wrong. I think I’m addicted to this kind of feeling; as horrible as it is to wake up with the niggles in my chest and crushing self-doubt, it seems to have set up residence and is now more of a keystone than a guest outstaying its welcome.
I have read so many things and various things “speak” to me but I can’t seem to find that inner resolve or strength or whatever it is. All I know is that I am not living and it is not healthy.
May 18, 2014 at 4:29 am #56470ayameParticipantWell, it’s happened again today.
It’s almost half past midday and all I have managed to do is a basic sketch of a lesson plan. I still have another lesson to look at for tomorrow (not even thought about the rest of the week) and coursework to look over.
I feel sick and unable to breathe. The negative thoughts won’t stop coming. I’ve tried using my mindfulness app on my phone, listening to calming music and breathing deeply, but I just feel stuck. I am picking at my skin and genuinely feeling exhausted. I now feel guilty for having been out yesterday and Friday evening and I am scared to work today.
I am so bloody tired of this! I know I have the power to change so why do I keep hurting myself like this? It feels like I am on a hamster wheel. I doubt myself at every turn and find myself whiling away the hours comparing my life to others on Facebook.
Has anyone else experienced this? Is anyone else experiencing this? I am trying meditation but I don’t find that it’s working for me.
May 17, 2014 at 2:40 pm #56453ayameParticipantThank you 🙂
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