Hi Matt and Hee,

Thanks a lot for both your replies. I see great wisdom in your answer and I can sense and feel that you both have done a great amount of work on yourself as well. I have to admit that this has been an emotional journey but I am dealing with it. Last night was a bit painful, I started the tiny buddha program and wrote for hours. This also made me remember some things in my past that I had pushed way back. Since I have been on meds for a long time, I havent really felt anything neither. Today was my first day without any medications (medically supervised). I can start feeling more emotions now but I am also more exhausted. An example, I was writing about what are my obstacles in taking responsability and at some point I just couldnt think anymore. I felt so exhausted. I fell asleep on the couch with my laptop on my laps. Now i understand that working my mind and brain is as demanding as working my body physically. I am dealing with all these emotions and I will have to respect the time it takes. As for the reference to the bucket needing to be filled… Well i couldnt have formulate it any better. I do look for something to feed the hole. I did try to quit smoking, lose weigh and eat better and did not work for me, the proof im still here after 10 years of doing this. I can see where this has been my way to cope with my past and my emotions.

The problem is that I had so many random things happening to me that I am not sure what caused me to turn this way. Maybe it was my dad diying when he was 35 and i was 7. Maybe it was the sexual abuse from family members, the extreme bullying at school, the feeling of rejection and not being loved. Maybe it was my mom being paralysed when i was a teenager or getting into an car accident at 20 and fearing to drive ever since. Maybe it was living off food coupon and piling up debts and anxiety. I am not sure and i dont want to blame anyone or anything to have caused me to be the way i am. It would be irresponsible of me to assume this.

I do see the light and i do see hopes and i am so glad i am here now.
A