Thank you both for your words of wisdom. I will think about what you have said this week. I hope you both have a good week.

Yes teak, it definitely stems from my insecurities, I’m sure. I’m planning to just pull back as my life is about to become VERY busy. I’ll be working full-time, completing my master’s full-time and working at the university as a graduate research assistant part-time. We may just naturally fall apart, unless he initiates more often.

Anita, your understanding seems right, which is kind of embarassing for me. Starting over scares me and the opinions of others do as well. “Friends” have made fun of me for “hopping from guy to guy” before and I didn’t like that one bit, because I do take relationships seriously. When I stood up for myself and left relationships, I was made fun of for it.  Yet, I’ve witnessed my friends stay in bad relationships for years and work through them. I think that if I were to move to a different city or something, I would be more able to call things off. My friends are all in serious relationships now and I would feel embarrassed telling everyone I am single again, yet again.

Thanks Anita.

He asked to talk a couple weeks after our breakup and said he felt miserable and couldn’t stop thinking about me, which even I was a little surprised to hear because I had been focused on a job interview and not dwelling as much over the breakup. He was taking initiative and asking what I needed and was acting on it, and I agreed to try again. Inviting me on a vacation with his friends was quite big to me. I’ve been more busy since I started working and we call once or twice a week randomly. We text less. But he will reply when I message him.

I did seek out a therapist at my university but I didn’t find it that helpful. I felt like I opened up so much to them and was told to read something about “children of alcoholics.” Talking about it made me more sad afterward because I felt like I opened up that wound without much support. The university therapy is also only once every two weeks which isn’t often. I am looking for another therapist.

I agree, he is quite independent and can seem distant. He is not dependent on the relationship. I don’t know if he has a healthy view on relationships and I am just needy. It’s hard to understand for me. When I told him I felt like he wasn’t taking me seriously, he said he has this entire time. He can be open and vocal and tell me he loves me and is in love with me, whereas I struggle with that. When we talked about cheating before, he said he would never cheat. But I am confused as to why he doesn’t need that daily closeness the way I do. I never considered the fact that he may be avoidant.

He doesn’t really help me move closer to moving out. Since we met, he has said he wants to get married at age 30-31, which I thought was late. Recently he told me, he’s thinking of 32-33 now…. And we couldn’t buy a place together unless we were married because of cultural reasons. So I can’t really consider him an option for help with that.

Hi Anita,

Thanks for your reply. Yes I am definitely afraid of marrying the wrong person. My last healthy relationship which I described that ended was because he did not want children and I did. I had to leave him in that scenario.

I found myself feeling so sad and crying all day yesterday. I was so anxious that I messaged him to talk but he said it was not a good idea. Yesterday was so painful and I did NOT expect that.

I had told him I was starting to resent him for ignoring my needs after I expressed them and he said we should break up if I resented him. It had me questioning if I was in the wrong or he was and I was second-guessing my word choice. Like maybe I was rushing him..He said he was doing it for my own good. I felt that insecure part of me after breakups come back.. I thought I had grown since then.

I am feeling better today, although I did feel bad in the morning. Do you have any tips for how I can feel better and truly move on? I think I was attached to him and that’s why this is hard. It’s like I went into that conversation being okay with the thought of a breakup but once it happened, it felt awful and I regretted everything.

Hi Teak and Anita,

Teak, I also found it interesting how he suddenly accepted the breakup when I told him he wasn’t meeting my needs after I expressed them several times, and that I was starting to resent him for it. Once I called him out for his behaviour, he left. Thanks for the advice on soothing my inner child; when I cry, I hug myself and try to soothe myself which helps. I think of the little girl inside me when I do this and it helps me want to protect her.

Anita, I appreciate your investment in understanding my situation and making me a better person. You are a good person. I question too, why I fall for inferior men. I am a highly analytical person and I can read people around me quite well, but with relationships I feel I trust that they are good people and care for me, too easily.

I agree, I recall feeling unsure of our relationship and like my needs weren’t being met since December of 2019. There was a lot of hot and cold behaviour. I dismissed it because of his aunt’s passing in December, whom he was very close to. I think the real reason was he was too immature for a relationship or I am not the one he wants that with. One interesting thing I noticed is that we broke up in April of 2020 because “he was not ready for a relationship.” Now in June of 2021, we are breaking up for the same reason. Does this mean he was never ready but asked me to be his girlfriend in June of 2020 anyway? This is problematic to me and suggests deception. It does seem like he wanted a casual relationship that involved sex for minimal effort.

It’s funny because in my last relationship, my emotional needs were very much met and I felt like I learned how a healthy relationship should be (it wasn’t perfect but it was nice). He wanted to meet my friends and did so often. My friends commented on how nice our relationship seemed; he took me on adventurous dates, posted me on social media and told his family about me. Yet, I reverted and settled for this type of treatment which I have received in the past. I’m not sure what my problem is- do I choose wrong men? Am I not ready for a relationship myself? Is there even a man that will love me genuinely whom I can be happy with..

The thought of dating again does not seem appealing to me at all now. I feel no urge to be in a relationship. I think this is good because I am finally starting to be okay with being alone. In my past, I always rushed into new relationships after breakups, a few months later. I think a new relationship helped me get over the last one because I didn’t have to deal with the sadness. I think I’m starting not to trust men as easily now, which is good and stops me from being naive.

To answer your question, I think I deny it because I can’t accept the thought of being tricked like that. I consider myself an intelligent person so the idea of a man “playing” me is hard to accept. Maybe it is an ego thing? I can’t see him as an evil person. Or accept that I let myself be so vulnerable with a person like that? I do believe what he did was wrong. When I put myself in his shoes, it is easier to see how he dismissed my feelings. I’m curious to hear what you think.

I’m also curious if you have advice on selecting a partner. I think my selection process is wrong. I get interest from men but I don’t think I choose the right ones or I prioritize the wrong things when choosing. Talk soon.

1) yes 2) I’m not sure about this 3) it does seem like it

Hi Anita and Teak,

I took your words into consideration. I met with him last week to talk. I told him I felt like he was a people-pleaser and couldn’t say no to his family, and that his family is demanding of his time and that I am not a demanding person. He agreed with that. I told him how this isn’t an ideal combination. I asked him if he had time for a relationship and he said that was a good question and that it’s something he’s thought about before, but because he likes me a lot he wants to make it work. I said I wanted to be prioritized more. I think he understands that last minute cancelling plans is not okay with me, but I’m not sure if he gets the other things I mentioned?

I asked him why he doesn’t initiate text conversations with me throughout the day. He said he usually talks to family or messages friends if things come up. I don’t know if that is something I can change about him. In my last relationship, my boyfriend always initiated conversation and we knew most of what each other was doing during the day. It felt natural and like healthy communication to me.

I think I’ve reached the point where I have to decide whether I am willing to accept that he is just like this and will not change. Or I leave him. I’m feeling resentful because my needs aren’t being met with him. I don’t even require a lot of attention but this doesn’t feel like a relationship to me. I’m losing interest in fighting; I’m starting to just pull away. Him failing to be the strong man I want to marry is also making me lose attraction for him. Him letting himself be controlled by his younger sisters and female cousins is not attractive.

I don’t think he is using me. I brought that up and he seemed hurt that I thought he was stringing me along. I think this is just how he views relationships? I can see how he compartmentalizes me as a girlfriend, like you mentioned before Anita. I don’t think that’s wrong but I don’t think it aligns with how I view relationships. I think he has more maturing left to do  in terms of serious relationships as well. I am his first long term relationship.

I invited him to meet my friends next month but he said “don’t be mad, my sister’s birthday party is then.” I said I wasn’t mad and he told me to stop lying and that I can voice my opinion…. Except that I wasn’t actually mad. I feel like he thinks he’s walking on eggshells with me?

One thing I am struggling with is the thought of being single again. I would be okay with it myself, but the opinion of others is bothering me. This is my 4th “serious” relationship and 4 is a lot in my culture. I’ve been told by a close male friend to stop dating and just settle down with someone. I’m sure people talk about how I’ve dated “a lot.” This is also in the back of my mind.

I guess I just feel stuck on how to move forward. I feel like I’ve vocalized how I feel to him but I don’t see behaviour changes. We still hardly communicate throughout the week. But he always fights to stay together when I bring problems up? I can’t tell if he wants this or not.