Everyone is selfish when they’re in the initial “headrush” stages of love, Cindy. Please understand that yes, you played a part in what happened to Tim and his wife, but it was only a PART. They played their part too. And given the state of their marriage, if it hadn’t been you Tim cheated with, it probably would’ve been someone else.

Tim and his wife are responsible for their own lives and their own happiness from here on in. You are responsible for yours.

You’ve lost a lot – your job, “Tim” and your self image. It will take a while to grieve these losses. The stages you are going through now are the “bargaining” stage of grief – practically definied by the words “what if?” – and anger, which you are turning in on yourself as shame (“It’s all my fault!” kind of feeling, which may later morph to “It’s all HIS fault”) The grief will pass, just give it time. Be sure to eat well and get plenty of exercise – the endophines released are crucial to your recovery. I’m very glad that you have supportive friends and family in this difficult time

xwhy, what makes you feel that he was being used as a toy? I didn’t get the sense that this was anything more than a a mismatch of expectations. (Though in retrospect, I can see that I’ve projected childish motives onto him with my personal view)

Abolutely agree that medication alone is not the answer and exercise is wonderfully beneficial. 🙂

Stephan, I’m so sorry you had a bad experience with Sertaline. I’m just weaning off Citalopram now (a similar drug) and I remember the doc telling me that the first two weeks would be tough… he certainly wasn’t wrong! That’s the closest I ever came to actually going through with suicide. It took about a month to really start feeling the benefits. For me, the breakthrough moment was taking a shower and actually, REALLY feeling better afterwards. You know how everyone (or maybe just my friends 🙂 ) say “Oooh, well if you do “such-and-such”, you’ll feel so much better afterwards!” Well, one of those things was always “Get up and have a shower” So, I’d get up and have a shower, but still feel depressed afterwards – I would intellectually acknowledge that cleaner and mobile was an improvement in my situation though, so I thought that this was the “feel better” they were talking about. And I gotta admit, much of the time, I felt “Well, if THAT’S your “feel better”, I’ll save the energy and wallow instead, thanks” But about a month in, I got up and had a shower and felt a lift. A proper mood lift! I was absolutely blown away… all like, “OoooOOOoooh! THIS is what they’ve been banging on about! Yes, it DOES feel better… when I’m not depressed!” 😉

Would it also feel 100 times better to beat cancer for real by yourself, without some random-ass chemotherapy? 🙂 I wasted three years of my life, lost my job and my marriage trying to “be strong” and beat depression with the power of my mind alone. I feel now that I was being overly proud. I needed help, but refused to seek it. I needed medicine, but refused to take it. And it was the people who loved me that suffered most for my pride, who worried about me and exended huge amounts of energy trying to lift me up. I don’t think I’ll be on anti-depressants forever, but even if I am, so what? Diabetics are on their medicine for life, and nobody bats an eyelid. The only reason mental illness is seen as different is because of the perception that it’s the sufferer’s own fault for being ill. This is a very damaging myth that needlessly stigmatises people. Of course, nobody can make the choice but the individual. But personally, I wish I’d been brave enough to make it years ago

Much love

Hi Stephen

I’ve been exactly where you are. Are you taking anything for the depression and anxiety? If not, go to your doctor. I won’t tell you that you’ll be okay, because you won’t for a long time. But it’s okay to be “not okay” for a while, because you’re ill.

Here’s my favourite link

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

In my experience, people put other people down when they are feeling bad about themselves. If the partner is willing to work on themselves so that they stop this bad, insecure habit, then I feel that yes, the relationship could be fixed.

I think you DO know exactly what he wants. Look out for sudden declatations of feelings at this point. He won’t necessarily mean to be deceptive, but when the “little brain” takes over… :/