Dear Anita,

First of all , I am extremely thankful to you for saying that you will be here for me and I wont be alone .When I read that I felt a weight lift off from my heart.Now , I will try to follow your procedure of writing to make it a little bit of easy to follow.

“if he didn’t throw you out of his life, his mother would have thrown him out of her life in some significant way. I figure that in his mind, society (his religion-society) would throw him out.. and he’d be all alone. Well, he’d have you in his life, but his mother and religion-society are significantly more important to him. To his defense, he was raised this way.”-  So you are trying to tell me that , his religion-society was always more important to him always ? That he was fooling himself into thinking that one day he would stand up for me when deep down he knew he never would ?And what do you mean when you say ” To his defense, he was raised this way.” Is it  that he tried to make me understand this thing and I refused to understand it and I was forcibly in relationship with him for this long?And because I wouldnt listen to him , therefore he decided on his own that when he can no longer carry this forward , he would leave me . This was his whole plan all along?

“he gave you his honest answer. And as I said before, his mother is way more important to him than you are. It’s not that he doesn’t, or didn’t love you, it’s that he loves his mother more. Never underestimate (again) the love and loyalty of a man- in a society as traditional as in India- to his mother.” – I never wanted him to choose between me and his mother all I wanted or thought was that someone who has honor would atleast fight for the cause of his love. That is to say, if he loves someone and if the scene is as serious as mine then he would convince his mother of our relationship , I know that when it comes to inter-religion marriage in India, it takes a lot of strength. But this guy he did not even put up a honest fight for me . If he was so weak then why did he harbor a relationship for so long , he should have ended things long ago in the most brutal manner that he did now?He could have just left me in the most horrible way like now and turned deaf and blind to my woes and sorrows. On one hand he says that he loved me but he did not even took up the fight or did not even fought till the last opportunity ran out. We had a practical solution with us . We had planned that we would go abroad then when we find a job over there we would be considered as somewhat over-achievers in our respective families then we will try to convince our respective families. I have heard scenarios where people convince their families for years for the person that they love.But then again are you trying to tell me that he would naturally love any girl his mother brings for him and that in this whole scene , I am literally used and disposed off?That in his entire life , his mother shall control his life forever and that whoever girl he marries will remain second important to him after his mother . Could it have been possible that I could have loved him a little more or did something in some other way so that he would stand upto me?Could he fight for another girl ? Could some other girl love him more than I did?

” sadly for you, he already has a mother and she.. placed herself in the center of his universe: he’ll marry who she wants him to marry.” – If there would have been some other woman in the picture for whom he would have left me then that would have been bad very bad but here , I know that he left me because he was more loyal towards his mother which is something i adored in him . I initially loved him maybe because he was so close towards his family( you will recall that I craved a happy home and good relationship with family back then) but now I am worried that what if I never found somebody as good as him . Or worse like it is in India , I would have to go for an arranged marriage set-up after a few years , if i am stuck with a man who is not compassionate enough , who doesnt love me as hard as he did. What if I never find somebody better than him ?I am scared that I will end up comparing the other guy with him and the other guy would fail or not give me enough love care and attention . I am very much scared about this. Somewhere deep down in my heart I believe that I lost a gem a true gem and i wouldnt share that amazing compatibility with anyone on earth.And I am also scared that any girl will replace me in his life but nobody will replace him in my life.

can you please help me with this?

I positively smiled when I read your post maybe because somebody genuinely praised me after a really really long time ( and I have also not read any romance novel) . Its not that he didnt praise me , he did maybe more each time we have talked after he  broke up,but his praises came with this statement , “I cant be sorry enough”. Yesterday , after almost more than a month of blocking him , I texted him . I know I shouldnt have but I had a very bad dream the previous night about something awful happening to him , I dont understand why I care so much about a guy who doesnt give a shit about how I feel . I mean I dont know if you can wrap your head around it but since October, I had become increasingly suicidal. I told him that since coming from a conservative family , he should not have formed relation with me if all this while he was just going to leave me at the appropriate time. I asked him that why didnt you leave when before college your mother denied this relationship altogether , why did he give me hopes of a future. The reply that he gave was that first he was not strong enough back then and secondly he thought that if he left me  then my college studies would have been affected. He also said that since I was so perfect for him and I cared so much for him he wasnt able to leave me back then but now as such he had become strong enough to leave me. But then he should have realised that if he truly loved and cared for me then he should have left me back then , atleast I wouldnt have entered into physical relation and I would not carry the guilt that I carry no. The thing is now I realise that it was always about him , never about me.

And you are right , there were issues within my family ever since I was a child. Everybody loves me dearly but they had issues amongst themselves.Ever since I was  a child I used to dread coming back home from school because of fear of any kind of unrest or a fight going on. And I was so much sensitive when my parents used to fight that I used to become scared very much.(The situation within my family has improved now ) Most people say that there home is there safe haven but for me it was not so. So the only comfort zone at that time was books.Then I met him ( he was dealing with the early expiring of his father) , he was very much disturbed and emotionally messed up. I dont know maybe that is why I tended to him because I felt that I had met someone who was dealing with emotional challenges. I nurtured him , took him out of depression , I felt him deeply as someone who needed compassion and someone who would support him in his weak moments. I knew back then that he was a very weak man, had a very laid back attitude towards life in general , but I thought that with my affection and care we could transform into better grown individuals. But I was wrong it seems so.

Yesterday , when I talked with him , he literally said to me that “you are my perfect one “, “I cannot ask for a better partner than you but please try to understand this is very difficult for me too”.I dont understand how do such kind of get away with first wronging their partner and then becoming victim themselves. Imagine someone telling you that you are most wonderful most perfect partner and then after being with you for a long time, telling you that they wont have anything to do with you further. I keep thinking and blaming myself, that why didnt I see this coming , why didnt I see that he would never stand up to me no matter even if I died for me. he would still just say sorry.

I know you must be thinking that if you already know how bad he was then just stop thinking about him and move on. Thats the most difficult part. The thing is that my love , care and affection all of it was genuine and I cannot digest that after being so good towards someone how can that person cause me so much unimaginable pain and get away just with a sorry. Even after so much time has passed, I cannot stop thinking about him. On some days , I feel anger , on others I feel despair , on some days I feel humiliated , the list goes on an on. I am tired of thinking about him .I have tried so many things to heal myself, like I started writing down my thoughts so that I could vet out my emotions , listened to healing podcasts and a lot more . But every now and then my mind goes back to him. Please help me . I want to get out of this  breakup purgatory .