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Hello Lily!
First of all, I would like to tell you a little bit about myself. I am about to graduate with an honors degree in English literature, coming July. As I read your post, I realized this is exactly me. I mean I tried very hard to get into literature after I had got selected for an engineering as well as a med-school. And I chose literature because I love art. Of every sort. And at that time, I didn’t care if I would ever be as successful as I could have been had I chosen the other two options. Luckily, I have been doing good in my studies and plan to pursue a masters degree. But since the last few months, I have been having doubts. What exactly is that I need? A secure job that pays me well? Or those things that I have always wanted? As I dig further into my mind, I find that most of those things require a good financial backing (like, I have always wanted to travel the world and meet new people but now that seems a very, very expensive dream to me). Everyone around me suggests that I prepare myself for the civil services exams after my masters so that I can get one of the most respectable and top notch position as a bureaucrat. They say I have the potential to do it, and say why waste my years on getting a PhD and becoming a mere teacher. I know nobody is forcing me to actually do all this but I have now come to a situation where I sometimes doubt my own dreams and decisions so much that I start planning my life the way they suggest me to. And they are the people who want the best for me and I must say that they have a point. But after hours and days of contemplation over my ‘alternative’ plans, I come back to the same old me, who can’t let go of her dreams. This is the reason why I get annoyed every single time someone asks me what am I planning to do after my graduation.
I am scared to face the world. I try to hide my talents, my personality and my feelings behind my ‘confident’ self that everybody seems to admire.
I am sorry to burden you with my own baggage but I could totally feel what you must be feeling while I read you post. Yes, you are completely making sense. And I don’t know why, but it just felt right to share my stuff with you. there is one more thing that I would like to share. I don’t know if I am doing the right thing or not but slowly and gradually, I am making myself accept the fact we don’t know what the future holds for us. Choices are completely relative. Whether we choose what we want or we choose what we need, we can never for sure know what will be the end of it. Because life never stops changing. Dreams that have come true can turn into adversities whereas adversities can become a reason for us to go on living and attain a better life. The best thing is to deal with the things that are immediately in front of us. And when there are tough choices to make, we should remember that we will have to miss one or the other thing close to our hearts. It’s possible that we may never come across the thing that we let go, but life offers numerous other things that will eventually become important to us. Hope you understand! All the best! 🙂Dear Kate,
Please don’t be so sad. You don’t deserve to be sad. You are very brave and strong because you gave up the securities that life had to offer you for the one person who was your love. But you not should give up on life just because that person abandoned you. You still have yourself! You are a very beautiful person who is capable of nurturing others on your own account. So why don’t you start loving and nurturing the most important person in your life- yourself! Take it as a new beginning. I know that you have been scarred for life. But these scars should be your inspiration.
I know it’s very easy to put such advices in words but atleast you can try! I don’t know much about the world and relationships the way you do but I hope you see a new day with lots of sunshine and opportunities! Stay blessed!Thanks for your interpretation of my dilemma. I would also like to add that I never loved that guy. I did care for him as he was the closest I had to a best friend. But I never loved him. What I don’t understand and loathe about this whole situation is the way I distanced him. At that time, I couldn’t bring myself to imagine that my friend could have such feelings for me. Though I understand it now that what I thought and did was wrong, I just couldn’t accept him at that time. Since then, for some unknown reason, I have never been in a serious relationship. Be it romantic or at a level of friendship.
It is pretty obvious that love has its own set of different connotations, based on the relationships we share with people. But the bottom line in every case is a foundation that comprises of care, respect and understanding- regardless of the relationship. What I fail to understand is the exaggeration that the term ‘love’ has become and what it does to people (ref. to Romeo and Juliet 🙂 )
You should try to talk about your problems to someone close to you. Perhaps they can help you to keep a check on your anxiety. Talk to your father, or your friends for that matter. Since they are involved in your life in some way, they can surely understand you better.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 