I find it poor and appalling that a professional said something along the lines of “it is a mistake…I don’t think you have anyone else to talk to”. Such means of trying to continue and string and manipulate you, almost trying to force you to continue (probably for monetary reasons) yet without a thread of empathy. A counsellor should be open minded and honest to you and tell what is best for you. From what it looks like what you have felt is normal; his behaviour is degrading and demeaning and would of course make you feel bad and feel uncomfortable with him as a counsellor.

Brash and no-nonsense is one thing and I am glad you had a good connection at first but when he starts to be spiteful and insensitive like this- disrespectfully telling you to grow up and then not showing care to you as a client and rudely shunning you for being early as well as leaving to answers calls midway in A PAID SESSION.  It seems he does not like you for some reason; enough to be completely unhelpful and not professional. I would have left this fellow long ago after seeing an intentional and malicious misstep by him.

Moreover, I am shocked this person gets paid at all. How is this a paid service?

For support; you could consider making a reddit account, search many support/free chat or counselling sites online or posting on this forum or another; also there are free call/chat lines for mental health and they would be glad to take your call for a chat if you need be or something is important to you.

If you like text or internet help or if you prefer face to face you could find someone to talk to, connect with extended family, old friends, talk to people in a club or shared interest you do, make tea with your neighbour, talk to your doctor, a friendly policeman, join a health club or organisation or focus on yourself and self-learn and get to skills to identify, analyse and problem solve yourself. The options are limitless if you explore for yourself, limited only by not taking action and your own choice.

I believe everyone is in this world for a reason and that everyone has something to give . The purpose of life is to discover your gift; the work of life is to develop it; and the meaning of life is to give your gift away” David Viscott. I think make the most of life so you will leave behind no regrets, take opportunities and not ruminating what might have been. In the face of negativity, don’t let it get you down and focus on your goals and own happiness to become successful.

It seems that things have deteriorated since your first post; from my perspective anyway. I appreciate your sustained effort for yourself though. There is a lot to think about here. I relate to your self-esteem struggle and it can be extremely crippling and loom over a long period of time if you let it affect you. If you are going to build your self-esteem; build and work hard to patch what you perceive as your weaknesses until there are none left. Then you look back and realise you are perfect- as you are right now.

In terms of relationships, if you don’t think you are worth anything , there is absolutely no reason for another person to think so either. Build yourself up, then go into a relationship to give love and meet each others needs, otherwise you are setting up a foundation for ruin; so it appears right now. Learn to love yourself first.

If you take a step back- “who taught me to put such influence on people” from your partner : it looks like he’s manipulating and projecting what he’s doing onto you- if you have a look, it is him who says you are putting influence on “people” but look what he’s doing to you. Your parents saying you have no value; you probably have gone through a tough upbringing. Nothing anyone does is but a reflection of how they feel about themselves and what they were taught as children. They probably had the same type of childhood and knew no better. Bad parents are a horrible thing, but they do teach things- your values and what’s important to you and what you value in a parent. Move on from this, focus on yourself and make sure to never impart any of these bad treatments on your child.

Everyone is born into the world for a reason. Your reality is in yourself- don’t let anyone change that. Find the truth in yourself and make the world a better place. 🙂

Resilience is the ability to bounce back and get back up when we are pushed over. It seems you have been through a hardship. The best you can do now is take this experience, learn from it and apply it to your life. That way you can accept it and come to terms with your feelings and as a result you will become a better version of yourself and enjoy life more. Beautiful things such as diamonds and pearls are formed by immense pressure and hardship and don’t just happen by chance.

I’ll add on that there is the possibility that you were drugged. You may be faultless in this so don’t be so harsh on yourself and feel so much guilt. Not only is it pointless and damaging, it may be unfounded in the first place.

Also if your partner is not meeting your needs- consider finding one that does meet your needs. If he’s coming over at midnight and saying he’s going to support you then bombs in, just freeloads until the morning and then has the grit to say “oh I did nothing wrong” and is not supporting you in your time of need I personally think it’s clear somethings wrong. Look at a person’s actions; actions speak more truly and much louder than words. You are worthy of love and do not have to put up with games or manipulation or toxicity.

Love yourself first 🙂

I’ll add a tidbit here. Since you like to write, I presume you like to read. This could make a nice read on where to begin and find how to sustain and meaning in your life. https://www.7cups.com/7cups-for-the-searching-soul/

Make it a goal to do something you enjoy everyday as well. Such as spend one hour swimming, listening to music, daydreaming or going out with friends. It’s important to have a balance of not just productivity but also something that brings joy and reminds you of why we work so hard everyday.

Enjoy the things you do, laugh and smile more and realise and be grateful for your blessings everyday.

“My partner told me that it is ok to make mistakes ‘we are human and if we didn’t we would be machines’.”

Whereas your partners love for you is unconditional, it appears your love is not- and that you would need certain things to happen for you to feel he is worthy and give love back, from bouts of what I have read.

He seems to be providing support and loving as best as you can. He appears to bring out happiness and positive emotions in you. Is this enough and what are you looking for? You have something great, cherish it, you can either be satisfied with what you have and be grateful daily or keep forever looking for better and never appreciating. Communicate. Communicate your needs with each other. People in a healthy relationship help each other grow; whatever type of relationship that may be. It is your choice to take, but be in a relationship to give, not just take and drain. Look past his weaknesses and appreciate what you have or if you feel you cannot do that anymore, move on.

Be happy with the blessing of life and perhaps the blessing of having a partner.