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HippieChick

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 81 total)
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  • in reply to: Lost #101847
    HippieChick
    Participant

    One small thing that might help with the depression aspect (and the comparison with others) is, if you have it available to you, read a book called “Feeling Good” by Dr Burns. It is excellent at allowing you to see the thoughts and behaviors that you are doing that are contributing to your depression and helps you stop. It’s a great read even if you’re feeling great.

    in reply to: Lost #101818
    HippieChick
    Participant

    First I want to say that I can completely understand your frustration with your situation. If I am reading correctly you are currently an intern which is causing the majority of your problems. However, I’m also assuming, that the intern part will not last forever and you will then be in a position to have more income. If this is the case then you are in a good position to end up much better off than all these friends you speak of. And you are doing a very responsible thing by temporarily living with your mother to avoid incurring even more debt. One of the only pieces of advice I can really give is to remember that all of this struggle is to better your life and yourself and will be temporary.

    The second bit of advice I’ll give is a little harder. You need to stop comparing your life with the lives of others. It only makes you upset and maybe eventually bitter to look around and say “I’m a better person than that so I SHOULD be in a better place”. Unfortunately in life it often works out that cheating, lying, manipulative people get very far and become very rich. I’ve always looked at it as…I may be in a worse financial situation or I may not have the relationship and kids yet but at least I can lay my head down at night and sleep knowing I’m not that kind of person.

    I hope this helps you a little. These are just my personal beliefs and thoughts.

    in reply to: Trying to not my temporary living space bother me. #100821
    HippieChick
    Participant

    Is there any way to kinda separate off an area that’s “yours”? Maybe hang a dividing curtain and set up some things that make YOU comfortable and happy? (Candles, incense, etc). They even make room darkening drapes that would allow you to control the lighting in your area. I know if it’s not YOUR place you may not have much leeway as far as furnishings or hanging things but it’s a thought.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by HippieChick.
    HippieChick
    Participant

    Yes! I stopped weighing myself in late January. I would have a day where I felt great but I’d weigh myself and if I was 1 pound more than the day before I’d feel bad about myself even though I was just feeling confident and sexy. Now I just rely on how I feel and think I look in the mirror. It took me forever to appreciate myself and I refuse to give the scale the power to take that away on a daily basis.

    HippieChick
    Participant

    Thank you for the very helpful replies. I will definitely check that book out! I love reading. 🙂 I’m thinking of using the couch to 5k app to help train for a 5k. It’s been a goal of mine for so long….and that way it’s not tied to anything being “wrong” with me, just another goal I want to accomplish. I think it will help to build some positive associations in my mind. I’m just soooooo hard on myself when I have an off day or take a miss step which I know will happen. But thanks again for the advice!

    in reply to: "I'm over it"…but apparently I'm not completely… #100202
    HippieChick
    Participant

    So, the weekend isn’t completely over but I did want to give an update while I have a moment. We’re back home. I never did discuss it with him because I really, truly did not want that to be hanging over our heads. I didn’t want to bring it up to him again. But the weekend was absolutely fantastic. We did our concerts and some sight seeing. We got a little buzzed, but not drunk, at the show. Most importantly he (because he knows how I feel about the last incident) was very attentive. The only texting either of us did was necessary…he has a small emergency in his family that he needed to be informed of. He told me who it was each time and left his phone in the room while he went out to smoke so there was no questioning. And we had a great time in general. So, small relationship obstacle down and dealt with! Go us!

    in reply to: "I'm over it"…but apparently I'm not completely… #100078
    HippieChick
    Participant

    I agree. I was texting just that one friend last time to check in and see if she was going to be able to come down because the situation was constantly changing. Texting other people won’t be an issue. We’ve actually dealt with those boundaries significantly since than and because of that episode. And I’m not actually worried about him doing anything like that again. I’m more concerned with letting my feelings go or at least not get the best of me this time. And I’m definitely not getting DRUNK. We’ve been to this particular place several times and this incident was the last visit. I’m thinking about changing up our “routine” at lot. Eating in different restaurants in different parts of town all the way to hanging out on the other side of the bar just to make it “different”.

    Do you think that will help alleviate the worry and stress?

    in reply to: Ghosted…..Help me seek closure. #99871
    HippieChick
    Participant

    I’d definitely want to contact him enough to get a straight answer as to whether he’s done with the relationship or not. Are you sure (or do you have a way to find out) that he’s ok? I’d try to get him to talk to me at least enough to find out what’s going on.

    in reply to: Feeling to pain and hurt for the both of us.. #99695
    HippieChick
    Participant

    My only advice is to give him time and let him lead how this goes. Once you told him it is up to him how he handles this. He may choose to leave. If he stays it is on HIS timeline that you guys will deal with it. You must understand that even though you have had years to know about and deal with this, he’s still in shock. He’s going to be angry, sad, shocked and probably have a ton of questions as to WHY you did this and how you’re going to be able to guarantee it won’t happen again. (All very valid concerns that I hope you’ve worked out in your own head).

    THIS is the reason most people DO NOT recommend confessing affairs that have ended if you do not plan to commit adultery again. It is for your own sake that you confess, not his.

    in reply to: Difficult and Non-Compassionate Mother #99552
    HippieChick
    Participant

    Just a couple questions to clarify your situation a little:

    How old are you?

    Does anyone else live with you and your mother?

    Does she have any other living family members that she has relationships with and what are those relationships like (as far as you are aware)?

    Why can’t you move out?

    in reply to: Depressed #99360
    HippieChick
    Participant

    First point I’ll make is that a married man CAN’T marry you. Second, and this is based on your ability to do so depending on your cultural circumstances, make the decisions separately. Don’t marry the arranged man if you do not feel comfortable. Don’t marry a man that’s married and cheating with you for he’s very likely to do it to you as well. Search for a third option that’s a better all around fit.

    Just my opinion.

    in reply to: Does forgiveness have an expiration? #99243
    HippieChick
    Participant

    I think you’re confusing forgiveness with acceptance. You can forgive him without accepting him back into your life in a position to hurt you the same way again. Realize that he is who he is. Forgive him whether he changes or not, whether he apologizes or not. But distance yourself from him now that it is becoming evident that he’s repeating a pattern. Forgiving does not require you to become a doormat or continue to accept the same treatment. The forgiveness is in big part for you…not him.

    in reply to: He is irresistable and that is why I can't be friends #99219
    HippieChick
    Participant

    I think you assume that’s not it and make it clear you’re just is friend. Then if he at some point in the future decides to try to use you as “backup” you just remind him that you’re just his friend. If he gets angry at that and walks away then you’re not really losing anything. Don’t assume he worst.

    in reply to: I Can\'t Tell If I Should Stay #99078
    HippieChick
    Participant

    I can definitely tell that you have very mixed emotions about your situation. I have to say that if my husband was repeatedly (if I’m reading correctly) sexually inappropriate or unfaithful with other women while he’s supposed to be monogamous with me, especially to the point of being fired and sued, there’s no way I could stay in a relationship with him regardless of how “great” he is otherwise. It sounds like YOU deserve better.

    And…it’s not HIS JOB that screwed everything up…it’s HIS ACTIONS.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by HippieChick.
    in reply to: Struggling so much in my marriage #98938
    HippieChick
    Participant

    As is often the case with marriages in trouble abs affairs…you have two separate issues you need to address (well, three actually).

    1. Most pressing…are you happy and do you want to continue your marriage? If this is the case you need to stop the affair and concentrate on repairing the damage in your relationship. This will also require your husband to be honest and open. And you as well. I do not feel you need to “confess” your affair, however you do need to discuss all the feelings that led to it and deal with them. If you do not wish to do this or believe it will not work you need to leave your marriage. And I do not say that lightly.

    2. Decide if the “other man” is someone you truly want to be in a relationship with or if he’s simply filling a void that your husband isn’t right now. Is he someone you’d pick if your emotional needs were met? Don’t leave your marriage and jump right into a new relationship based on neediness.

    3. Most important…work on your internal “abandonment issues” and learn how to be happy with yourself and by yourself. If you never do this you’ll find yourself in positions where you’re begging another human to stay with you. This is never a good thing and rarely works out for anyone involved. There are great articles in this website to help you get started.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 81 total)