I have to say I used to have a problem with my ex watching porn. What it came down to was an insecurity within myself. I am now in a relationship where we both occasionally watch/view porn (both together and separately). Porn is not the issue.

If a boyfriend told you that you were no longer allowed to watch “chick flicks” because they set unrealistic expectations for how men should behave in a relationship you’d be livid. And then, if your same boyfriend “caught you”, an adult woman, watching one and broke up with you because of it…I’m pretty sure you’d never speak to him again. It’s “normal” for women to watch those kinds of things, it’s “normal” for men (and women) to enjoy watching other people have sex. Unless he’s comparing you to the women in the porn, it has NOTHING to do with you. It’s taken me YEARS to learn this and accept it but it is.

It’s crazy to lose a good relationship over porn. But reading your post there was already more going on here. If you want to explore the problems in the relationship with him and he’s willing you can definitely do that, but I’d forget the porn.

Just my 2 cents.

I have a similar, though less intense, association from the one time in my relationship that my boyfriend did something dumb and hurt my feelings regarding another girl. It wasn’t that big of a deal but it occurred on a vacation to a particular place during a very cold, rainy weekend. Even now, after sorting it all out, knowing the truth and knowing his true feelings and intentions, I still get a little “flashback” when I am out in that exact kind of weather. Or when I walk into that place. Luckily, I’ve been able to actually go there and have new experiences with different outcomes so I no longer have a strong negative reaction. Maybe it’s possible to watch movies about Venice or read books or even travel there with family or very good friends and replace that association with a different, positive association.

Just a suggestion.

I don’t know why it’s not posting my full reply 🙁 I’ll try again later.

I agree with Anita. I do not believe soul mate exist and I think this idea is one of the big issues in many dating situations.

“I would agree with your buddhist friend on accepting her and her beliefs, but would elaborate on it: do accept that she will leave you when she gets that … feeling for another man. Can you do that? Truly accept and have peace with what she told you she will do: leave you when she gets a feeling for another man? Can it be okay with you to be with her until then and then see her go?”

I also think this is important. For if she truly believes this then if she ever feels like she meets her “soul mate” I believe she will not hesitate to leave you to be with him. Your choice if that’s a risk you can live with.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by HippieChick.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by HippieChick.

I agree (again

• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by HippieChick.

First, four months is not that long to be into a breakup and I think the feelings are pretty normal. However I also feel like you may be spending so much time and energy trying to win him back and convince him that it’ll work that you’re not really giving yourself a chance to work through the actual feelings from the break up. Or to give yourself a chance to move on. There is the possibility that there is a better relationship out there for you. If that’s the reason he left and he’s never once considered reconciliation then I think it’s safe to say there’s more to his side of the story than that. Whether you know or will ever know is not all that important. As hard as it is, I recommend that you cut off all contact with him. Definitely do not beg him to come back, try to convince him any further that you’re the one for him, etc. If he decides he misses you and wants to get back together he knows how you feel and he can contact you. You can then decide if that’s something YOU want. In the mean time, work on being truly happy alone. Don’t necessarily date if you’re not comfortable doing that yet. Take time to figure out what YOU want, what YOU need and what YOU’RE willing to accept in a relationship so that you are prepared for the next opportunity.

Just my 2 cents. I know it’s hard as we tend to build expectations and plans that seem hopeless when a relationship ends. Try not to think about it that way, try to see this as a chance to get to now yourself and build a relationship with you that will allow an even better romantic relationship in the future!