Thank you Anita. I appreciate your advice and wisdom. And I should feel better. I am not alone. You have been there through many of my sad times and I am grateful. I will pick myself up and go on. Thank you. Atleast I know my worth now and would rather be alone than be used by someone. That is still saving grace.

I didn’t tell her that it bothers me. Her happiness doesn’t. I am happy for her. But I don’t need the details. She was with me at university. I haven’t seen her in over 2 years despite being best friends. But no need to gloat about her life. But it’s not just her. Everyone I know seems to do it and expects me to listen and be quiet.

I don’t know if it’s possible on my solo holiday but I’ll be positive and go on. I just know family and friends can be cruel. What can I expect from strangers then?? I’ve always known it but some days are just harder than others. Thank you so much for replying to my posts.

Hi Anita

I just wanted to write about how I was feeling somewhere and this post came to mind. I had a good day at work but I haven’t been well the last few days. My mate from Paris came to visit over the weekend and told me all about how happy she is with her husband and how he looks after her. Why do people hurt you like that? She knows I’ve been single for years. I am trying to date but I don’t want to set my standards short and have messy relationships again. People who I don’t want to chat to keep coming back while no one nice says hello. Are some people like me just unloveable? We just won’t see any love in this lifetime? Do I accept it and go on? I know you said that you’ve got to go on and live in hope but nothing changes. The same old awful people keep coming back coz they feel that they can use me. I’ll be 45 in April and want to go on a solo holiday. I always thought I would be with someone but that wasn’t meant to be. And then my mate says- oh what will happen if something happens to you? Who will come and rescue you? I wanted to say – who has looked after me when I was unwell since Sunday? I had to get up, cook and try and do some work as it’s relatively a new job. I don’t have those luxuries in life and I don’t complain. But why are people hurtful? Why do they come and thrust it in my face when I don’t ask for that information or invite them? The married man, the friend with benefits. My ex husband – these are the only people who want to chat with me. Obviously everyone who didn’t treat me well. I don’t want to meet any of them. Will my fate ever change? On days like today, I truly despair and had to write. I’m so sorry !

Happy new year Anita. I hope 2020 brings you lots of happiness, success and luck. I thought of you earlier today as I spent Christmas alone and also new year on my own. I felt a bit sad yesterday but I’m ending the year in a good job. Personal life is non existent but I told someone that I didn’t want to meet as I’m not interested in anything casual. I’m able to take a stand and will look after myself in 2020 !

I have to tell you this – one of my friends who is Russian and tall and slim said – you are very sweet Sumi. Like a lovely dumpling. Cute, warm and round. I didn’t know whether to take it as a compliment but I did and I go on. Someone on the dating site Bumble said – you should go to the gym and lose a few pounds. People are cruel and I’ve tolerated it my entire life. I think that’s why I don’t believe I deserve anything and now more so as I’m divorced and old. But you have given me courage to go on. To find my space and see if I can go on. And I will surely try. I will try and be peaceful and confident and try and keep myself happy. I may be single another year but it’s ok. Atleast noone’s hurting me and that’s a blessing. Thank you for writing to me. I am very grateful.

Thank you Anita. I agree – they are my issues. I don’t see myself as worthy of anyone and I try to keep them happy. Though they don’t treat me well. It’s always been that way. Even in my first marriage – I was always the one who bent over backwards to treat men and their families well. They never did anything to make me feel nice.

Its probably cos I was always told I am chubby and not fair and in India, that was considered not very good looking. When my first husband wanted to marry me – it was an arranged marriage – my mum said – someone wants to marry us. It’s better than being alone and I was 25. I have always been grateful for the attention I get cos I am not pretty like other women who are skinny and beautiful. I am attractive, intelligent, smart and kind. But beauty is something I don’t have. Perhaps that is the root of all my people pleasing. I am a UK size 12 which isn’t huge but I am overweight for my height. I have promised myself that I will look better in 2020. I want to lose weight and look my best at 45. Better late than never I guess.

I may never feel pretty but I am a decent person and perhaps that’s why I try to overcompensate. I must stop. I know I must.

Hello Anita

I agree. I am good but not assertive coz I don’t want to hurt anyone. I am learning to say no and I spend a lot of time by myself as I don’t want to fall into everyone else’s plans for me. But I still don’t find people who make an effort. They are happy to sit and wait till I make the effort. The lazy ones. That’s what I don’t understand. And I meet them over and over again. It must be a lesson I am not learning.

I will try and find books on being assertive. I am assertive at work – some people even find me aggressive. My personal life is where I struggle. With relationships and friendships. I should learn to be more assertive. You are right as always.