We talked!  It went so well!  We talked about ED and our relationship in general.  It was such a fulfilling conversation and the weight that is lifted off of my shoulders feels incredible.  In brief, there is a history of intermittent ED and he is now experiencing some depression, as well as lack of exercise and poor diet – which he states is contributing to both.  He mentioned that outside of sex we aren’t intimate and I have already seen a change in him trying to be more intimate in our general life.  He also helped me clean the entire house, put on my favorite music, and cooked.  He did initiate and he had trouble, but the fact that he did all of these things makes me feel so good.  Now…my pattern is to switch to a new source of anxiety so I am working to stay in the moment and not create chaos where there isn’t any!

He hasn’t attended to me in those ways that do not require an erection, and we have not discussed that at all.  I would like that, but not sure how to even approach that.  The lack of sexuality makes me think he does not care, and I realize that sex does not equal caring or love.  It’s just very confusing to me.  I feel like I am supposed to just act like everything is okay with how things are right now, which is also very frustrating.  I wonder if he even thinks about it?  Does he wonder, “hmmm how is she feeling since we haven’t been sexual?”  I feel like he is acting like everything is normal, when it is not.

They have been in contact for years now and we have visited him together.  His mother and father do not really communicate.  However, I can tell that after visiting his father he has a lot to talk about and some frustrations.  They have gone on recent trips together, etc, but there is definitely some lingering tension.  I am hoping he continues to open up about these things with me.

We did talk yesterday and I wasn’t able to talk about everything I needed to, but I could also feel him feeling somewhat defeated so I stopped.  I didn’t bring up with ED, I feel like he needs some more time, that’s the energy I felt anyways.  I talked about how I would like him to call if he is out that late, talked about some boundaries with drinking that I think are fair (and he agreed), spoke about my anxiety and how it can make me paranoid, and inquired if he felt he was not brought up in a home that openly discussed emotions.  He agreed that his family did not talk about their emotions and I explained that my did.  I am very emotional and he is at the other end of the spectrum, and I talked about us trying to meet in the middle so that we can communicate better.  He nodded and smiled throughout, but it looked like he felt he was ‘getting in trouble’, and it made me very sad.  I did my best to stay calm and I also owned my part and pointed out how my anxiety negatively affects us.  He said he agreed with everything I was discussing and stated that he didn’t have anything to add.  I woke up feeling kind of sad today.  I started to hyperfocus on the sex stuff this morning, but slowly bringing myself back to calm.

No she did not.  She seems to be stable, although he doesn’t talk much about her.  I find her bubbly, calm, and nurturing.  He seems to have a lot of frustration with his father.  I believe he is still very angry with him.

I will practice EAR!  I can be verbally aggressive, not loud, but still aggressive and I know this doesn’t work well for him.  He hasn’t shared anything about depression, but he does show some of the symptoms.  He mentions wanting/needing to lose weight and eat better/exercise, but seems to do well for a few days and then stops.  His parents are divorced, father was abusive, relationship is mending now.

Yes, I am working to not get overly emotional when  I speak to him.  I believe I am learning I am much more hurt than I thought.  I agree with the wife part that it is fair since he pays most of the bills, I work full time and pay my own personal bills, gas,  and grocery shop but he pays the rent/utilities/etc.  Maybe I am meaning more of a wife demeanor… sometimes I feel like I may even  be too motherly.  I do want to marry him, however these issues need to be spoken about and working towards resolution before  that would be appropriate, in my opinion.  He brings up marriage/children often, more in the recent months as well.

All of your reply sounds accurate and makes sense.   I agree, living together and being around each other so much does give me the opportunity to see and notice new things about him.  I will point out…when we were first dating we only saw each other on weekends, rarely during the week.  Then he took a job where he was gone three weeks on a rig and then off three weeks.  So this is the first time we have been together this much.  I guess I am confused as to why the change was so sudden – but I don’t know much about ED so it is possible that ED can be a sudden occurrence.   It was about 10 months ago when he was having some trouble with an erection and he said “I need to go to the Dr. about that” and I just comforted him and said it is no big deal, it happens to all men.   I didn’t expect it to be a huge thing like it is now.  I am continuing to be patient with him and there for him the best I can.  I haven’t mentioned sex at all.  I want to be with him.  If it wasn’t for this I would consider the relationship damn near perfect.  I am trying to put myself in his shoes…what if I had some sexual disorder and could not have sex?  How would I feel?  I imagine he is scared as he knows how important sex is to me and I imagine he feels embarrassed or less than.  My goal is to talk more about it with him, but I am not sure when to do that and how.  Thank you for spelling it all out for me.  Anxiety causes my thoughts to race and rational thinking goes out the door.  My biggest fear is being hurt in this relationship and finding out something devious, but I am going to stay as rational as possible and realize that this is likely something physical in nature and not his fault or my fault.  Thank you, I wish I could carry you around in my pocket!

Noticing some anger tonight and some sadness.  Not sure I can take much more but pushing through anyways.  Afterall, I said id give it a week.