Hey Julia,

I understand what you are going through. Sometimes it feels like nothing is right. Its the internal state of worthlessness. I feel the major reason for your feeling like this is rooted in your childhood from what I can infer from the episode with your mother. From what I can guess, you were pretty distant with your mother (maybe father too). This is a typical case of childhood emotional neglect, where the child’s emotions go unheard or aren’t given much importance, which is the case with you.

Nobody commits suicide because they were happy. They do it because something was amiss somewhere. In your case, the suicidal thoughts are arising due to a feeling of worthlessness and low self-esteem, which is again evident from your statement that you are afraid everyone is going to leave you. This feeling of abandonment is not your fault, this is a result of the fact that you were neglected in your childhood, and since parents are a child’s primary relatives, a lot of trouble can arise if a parent doesn’t pay attention to a child’s needs. Studies have shown that even abused children have a stronger sense of self than neglected children, since the abused child’s psyche registers the abuse as a fact that he/she is at least noticed. Neglected children on the other hand have nothing to base their image upon.

The people who were supposed to be his/her bedrock in life, were absent. As a result, that specific place is void, with nothing inside. The moment attention is showed to a neglected kid/adult, he/she faces the first question – Why is this person interested in me when my own parents did not find me worth paying attention to? Surely this person has an ulterior motive and will leave me someday.

As this pattern of thinking was ingrained in childhood, it is very hard to deal with in adulthood.

For reference, you can search for Childhood Emotional Neglect.