Hi Anita,

Thank you for getting back. My thoughts when he was silent – “why is he so silent”, “how can he be so silent”, “I just want to have a heart felt conversation with him”, “I am the one who should always initiate conversations”, “people are starting to feel bored and he is not helping me to keep the energy of the group up”(we went on a drive with few friends), “maybe my friends will think he is boring”, “he always brings my energy down”, “he is not making a good impression of himself near my friends”, “he is not making an effort to be nice to my friends”, “maybe my friends will judge me if he keeps silent”, “my friends will think I settled for less” – it is embarrassing to open up and share that I get these thoughts but I do. I hate it too.

Coming to the second question – most prominent behavior was not being ready for commitment, not being open about the relationship and hiding it, not caring, not making any plans to do things or spend time unless I do, just not fighting with me, not trying to make it work when things started falling apart.

Yes I think! I am leaving today and I feel sad that the doubts did not leave me yet, that I still have questions on my mind and that I am unable to stop overthinking. I feel this is unfair to my boyfriend, why should he go through this? He has told me today morning I am overthinking too much and it is not helping things. He said his best friend and cousins also think the same – that I am overthinking which hurts me. This has never happened to me. I wish I could do something and stop it.

Hello Anita,

Sorry for the delay, I am feeling better now. I will leave my boyfriend’s place tomorrow – we had a great time together! I have been thinking about what you said and it is very true.

” I think that when she told you that he is not good enough for you, she delivered the almost certain kiss of death to the relationship.” – this thought occurred to me before and it does not shock me. From the moment my mom said he might not be good enough for me, I have been overanalyzing and overthinking about my relationship and my boyfriend which did not help the relationship in any positive way. You are right, I have to explore the relationship with my mother with the help of a psychotherapist to get better clarity and I am on it now. I have been trying to find a good therapist and it’s taking a while. If you have any recommendations, I would be happy to hear from you. My sincere thank you again for taking the time and effort to point this out and help me out through my journey! It really means a lot and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I wish more strength to you to go through your healing journey that in turn inspires people like me 🙂

Apart from that, I want to update that I had a great time with my boyfriend, he is a wonderful and genuine person who cares for me and loves me. Our relationship has grown so much over the past one year, it took us so much work to be where we are today, at a better and happy place with better understanding of each other. Both of us have decided that we need to work on ourselves and build more self-confidence which will ultimately reflect in all the areas of our life including our relationship.

But the feeling of missing the attraction and spark is still there. My mind says everything is going well but my heart keeps saying something is missing – my heart doesn’t say yes! At the same time, when I am with my boyfriend, I feel my social life and spiritual life are not thriving and it bothers me. Like I mentioned before, I keep getting thoughts like “Am I settling for something less?”, “maybe I can get someone with better compatibility”, “am I going to regret this decision”, “i don’t feel inspired enough around him”. The thoughts have definitely decreased this time but still come to me from time to time.

But I will start with working on and trying to heal my relationship with my mother – thank you for your insights!

Hi Anita,

Thank you for responding. I have never heard of this term but I will read about it now.

I also want to mention that I did talk to my boyfriend about my anxiety from time to time and he said that as per his observation, it might be because this is a healthy relationship and I am not used to it. I am used to fixing things and hence it is feeling alien to me and taking time for me to get used to this.

Hi Anita,

Sorry for my late response.

“Finally have someone else to be the strong one…. So that I can relax” – in one sentence, this is all I want. You really understood where I’m coming from.

Whatever you told about my childhood makes so much sense! I can connect a lot of dots – It was always easy for me to connect with girls 6-10 years elder to me and I could maintain good friendships with them. Even with friends, I am always trying to take care of them and be the bigger person. I’m seriously tired but I feel like I don’t know how else to be – I don’t know how to just have fun and be like all other girls!

Thank you for sharing your story, I empathize with you for going through something similar with your mother – I did go through your previous posts and I’m sorry you had to go through something like that at a very young age. I am happy and proud of you that you’re healing and going in the right direction. More power to support to you 🌸

Hi Anita,

Thank you for responding.

1) How long did the sexual assault period last, and how long after the beginning of the assault, did your parents become aware of it? How did they respond? – First thing I want to clarify – my parents are not aware that it happened to me because it was someone in my extended family and I never told them. Actually, I think I switched off that part of my brain for a lot of years and it was only in around 2019-2020 a lot of visuals about what happened came back to me and I realized the intensity of it. I never talked about it to anyone before that but it is only these days I am slowly opening up with my closest friends and I am realizing the intensity of what happened day by day. I don’t think I gave it a name of sexual assault until then. I don’t remember how long the sexual assault period lasted – but I know it was for atleast a year or more. It all suddenly stopped once I hit puberty in my 8th grade.

2) Did your mother (or your father) minimize the assault, saying that you were over-sensitive to it, that you emotionally over-reacted, that you used it as an excuse? – As I said, my mother does not know. She just in general says I am too sensitive and overreact to things. This especially happens when I tell her how hurting it feels when my dad criticizes me or when I tell her how my father and grandparents are proud of everything my brother does because he is a guy, how they treat me infront of him as if I am nothing and that I do not feel respected enough or seen enough or encouraged enough. I once remember my brother asking my mom if I my teachers are going to let me go to 5th standard from 4th standard!!! – I was not a bad student at alll but he did get that impression…. things like that. When I tell her I feel a little different from everyone, that I feel things too deeply and sometimes wonder if I have depression and I am unable to do basic things in life and feel very under-confident – she tells me I am overreacting and too sensitive and should just have more will power and try harder to be more disciplined and achieve the things I want in life. She never said no to therapy though – she said if I wanted to go, she will support me.

3) You lived at home, with your mother, for 24 out of the 26 years of her marriage to a man who discouraged her from speaking up, from talking about her feelings, her opinions, etc. Did she turn to you as the person with whom she expressed herself, giving you the role of a friend and confidant? – Completely, yes! I am that friend/ confidant of her. She shares everything with me. I started supporting her as I grew up and pushing her to stand up for herself and even stood up against my dad and my grandparents demanding she should be treated better for everything she does for the family. She gradually started doing that my dad keeps joking she gets courage in my presence and never listens to him. A year or two ago – I think she had enough and she started feeling burnt out and she used to constantly tell my father and fight about how badly she was treated all of her life. It was like – she never stood up for herself and now suddenly she wants to make up for everytime she didn’t do it – it was hard but my dad’s shell broke, he understood a few things, he started treating my mother better and their relationship evolved into something better. She always tells me she feels blessed to have a daughter like me and she cannot imagine her life without me.

4) How were you a misfit at home, growing up? – Hmmm, when I think about it – I somehow don’t remember a lot about my childhood or cannot think of any instances right now. I once remember during an argument I threw a glass of water at my mother’s face in front of my whole extended family and to this day I don’t know why I did that and I cannot get that image out of my head. There was once a science exhibition in my school and while everyone made lots of cool things, I made a bird cage with a bird in it that makes sounds when someone claps – my dad came to the exhibition and he was extremely dissappointed me, he told me what I did was a waste. My school teacher once described me as a lady don to my dad and I once remember one of my teachers telling me my walk is too manly and I should change it and I did. It was tough making friends, was never good at directions, could never relate to girls having crushes, always rebelled against parents. My mom was a teacher in the same school I had studied – I was popular and everyone had high expectations from me. I did get a lot of attention that I did not want. Teachers were either very partial to me or they hated me and did not hesitate to show that to me. A lot of students were jealous when I got a lot of attention from teachers – I used to be the first person to know of any event announcement – teachers came and told me, not my mom and I did not ask for it! I got into a relationship in my 9th standard in a school where my mom is a teacher – who does that?! I did not like the school system in my +1, +2 and debated with the principle saying what they’re doing is wrong – extreme stress, making people mug up and she changed the way things were going on. I did not mind being in the least section but just studied on my own and got not a bad grade at all. I got into engineering and around my 2nd year I knew it was not my place – I just didn’t feel I could connect with anyone around me nor was finding joy in things that I did. I wanted to drop out – it was my dad who introduced me to travelling and I fell in love! I travelled often, started photography and writing, rediscovered myself, did a yoga course, organized a lot of events in my college and was popular again and decided to change my career. The concept of having kids never appealed to me and once when I was innocent, I told my mom and she scolded me so bad – she said no one would marry me if I think such way and it is very wrong.

Hi Anita,

Sure, please take your time.

Your suggestion for dealing with jealousy is very helpful – I will implement it.

“Your mother had a good point there, a valid concern. From what you shared about your boyfriend though, he reads like a gentle.. non-dangerous guy at all, so you were not in danger with him.” – Yes, you are right. It took me a while to trust him after all that my mother said but he is a wonderful person all in all. I get that question and if I be honest with myself, maybe I did start this relationship when I was in a vulnerable state. I knew he was a great person, we had similar career aspirations and goals in life and I wanted to give it a shot.

“For example, a child may have gentle, fair and loving parents, but if the parents are often anxious, worried about things, and the child notices it..  their anxiety naturally passes on to the child.” – When I think about it, my mom was anxious and worried quite often. My father was not a great husband initially but they worked on them and are in a much better place now. I remember my mom telling me many times that she lived in fear, and never had the courage to speak up and voice her concerns or opinions out. Though my dad is a great person and supported my mom in many other ways, if my mom spoke out in a social situation, my dad always used to criticize her after coming back home that she shouldn’t have said that and should have said something else, dealing with the situation differently, etc. It took me a few years to understand it is a vicious cycle – whatever my mom says, my dad will criticize her and tell her she should have done something else but in fact, if my dad was in the same situation maybe he would have done the same. He hates her cooking. He is always dissatisfied with whatever she cooks. Yes, their tastes are and food preferences are a little different but even if my mom cooks specially for my dad following his instructions, he will never be satisfied. Every day while eating food, he would criticize my mom for making food the way she made it. I grew tired of it and told my dad to cook for himself and slowly he started doing that a little bit.

I realized this because this happened to me a lot too. Whatever I did or spoke – my dad would tell me I did something wrong and would give me feedback. Initially, I thought I was a kid and I didn’t know how to deal with situations – my dad was being hard on me but this is how I would learn but after years and years I realized my dad would never ever be satisfied with whatever I say or do – Imagine my mom living with that for 26 years! It is bound to make her constantly doubt if she saying the right thing, or doing the right thing, and feel anxious. She was a very strong, intelligent, and hard-working woman but she always felt very underconfident. She is a teacher, she has always been very career driven and I have not seen anyone who used their time as productively as her daily.  She used to be a teacher in the same school I know that our management was also not very great – she worked at that place for a lot of years and I know now they were very toxic and she used to scared to even ask for a leave.

“no, it’s not too much to ask, and it’s in your rights to ask for this. Therefore, before you consider marrying a man, get to know his feelings about both families being part of the marriage, and if the two of you have a meeting of the minds, get the families together so that everyone can get to know each other.” – I have a feeling this will not turn out well. My boyfriend’s dad, in his words, has not been a great father since his childhood. He did not work hard and did not proactively provide for the family – it was his mom was the major breadwinner and even he had to take the responsibility at a comparatively younger age – during his bachelor’s. My boyfriend was very angry at his father and used to hate his father years back but he later came to peace with it and now they talk normally. But his father is not very vocal nor very involved in my boyfriend’s life and I’m afraid my parents won’t be able to bond well with them. I don’t think they can accept that. When I gently had a conversation about this with my boyfriend – he told me though he might not have a great dad, his cousins, and their parents have been of great support to him and they are close, and that my parents will have them. But I am not convinced about this somehow. I am not sure how that will work out.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for responding. Yes, I feel jealous when I see them in social situations or when I see them able to make a conversation very easily. When I feel jealous, I tell myself I don’t deserve to be a friend. How do I approach this? I want to understand where my social anxiety is coming from and how to overcome it.

I understand how what my mom told me influenced me. She told me her instinct says he isn’t right and that she doubted something was going on between us even before we moved to the USA  and that we planned to come to the USA because there was something going on – while in reality, there was nothing! She did see and meet my boyfriend a couple of times in India – we used to be good friends and he used to come home to pick me up or drop me off sometimes. She said she suspected my boyfriend was trying to get me since in India and while the truth is – he did ask me on a date but I was not in the phase then and I said no. He never brought that up again.  She told me, I just moved to a new country and I am taking this decision in a mentally weak state, out of loneliness in the new country and I always wonder if I did. No, my parents do not present themselves as perfect. And yes, I have been trying to take them off the pedestal but it is a really tough thing to do. When I am deciding on marriage, it is impossible for me not to get their validation. And in fact, I believe a marriage is not just about wife and husband but also about both families. I also keep thinking, if I marry my boyfriend, how compatible are our families? My parents are getting older as well and they need company, we don’t have close ties with relatives and I want the family I marry into to bond well with mine. – Is it too much to ask?

And coming to talking to him about helping me out in social situations, I will think and find a practical way that I can ask him. Thank you for showing me a direction and I will keep you updated.