Hi Anita,

Apologies for such a delayed response. School work keeps me very occupied.

I feel I need to address what you said in your last post, for I do not agree with them and felt that what you think and said rather invalidates and dismisses my feelings and experiences. To be honest, it did infuriate me. However, my intention is to let you know how your words have made me feel, not distress you, so I hope that does not happen. I want you to imagine me saying all of this calmly, with a soft tone. I am not yelling at you in any way.

As I said earlier in this thread, I do not think I am “projecting” my mother, and your repeatedly suggesting the same is invalidating my feelings and experiences. While one’s relationships with one’s parents are influential, they are not all that influence one’s life and feelings. What you are saying about projection is reducing me down to a child with a difficult relationship with their parent. And by extension you are saying that the anger and hurt I felt at my boyfriend’s behaviour toward me was only a result of that difficult relationship, and I should not be feeling angry because it is misplaced anger I felt toward my mother. But I bet even a person who has a good relationship with their parents would be angry and hurt at their partner scolding them for an hour and personally attacking them with things they confided in their partner. I feel unsafe sharing things with my boyfriend because he used them against me, to hurt me, in a fight; feeling unsafe like that has everything to do with how he behaved with me (which has happened again since I last replied on this thread) and nothing to do with my mother. I did not feel unsafe like this with my ex. I think anybody would feel the same way. Saying my anger toward my boyfriend is a result of life-long anger towards my mother is dismissing my experience with my boyfriend. Yes, I was scolded a lot as a child, and it affects me if someone scolds me today. But wouldn’t it affect anyone, if their partner scolded them for a long time, irrespective of their mother?

Like I said, while relationships with parents are influential, your character and your perception of the world is based on an interaction among lots of factors. And yet, some things are objectively uncool, like your boyfriend attacking you. I feel you are reducing me down to this one part of my life and assume a lot of things about me, which is unfair to me. For example, in one of the threads, I had mentioned my mother was a single mother, and you immediately assumed that my father had left us, when the reality is that my father died a sudden death, and he actually loved my mother and me very much. Not only did you make an assumption, your choice of words was rather harsh, attacking my mother, which I really had not appreciated. I wish you would see me as a whole person, with lot many experiences you may be unaware of, instead of just a scared and angry little girl.

About my mother, we have a difficult relationship, and now I can see why because I see her as a whole person, not just my mother. I see all that she has done for me, all that she has given me despite some very serious difficulties she faced. And despite all I have said about her, I do love her. I communicate with her, and I can see her understand things about me and see her actively try with me. I have chosen to let go of the bitterness I had about her, because really it was serving nobody.

I am sorry that you had such a hard time with your mother. But I think you are projecting yourself onto me because you can relate to me in that both of us have a difficult relationship with our mothers. But my life and circumstances, and my feelings and thoughts and how I react to situations, are different than yours. I wish you keep that in mind too.

About this instance, I would like to clarify that I was not riddled with self-doubt when he talked about my becoming a therapist. I was hurt that he chose to throw it at me like that; it was way below the belt and a very uncool thing to say. Also, same about him breaking up with me. I did not feel that he should not break up with me. By all means, if it is what he needs, he should. What shocked me that he threatened to do it in a manner where he would just vanish from my life without a word. I do not think it is wrong to say I do not deserve that. I do not in any way disagree that I can be unempathetic and rude at times, but I was also 100% willing to work on it, which is why I told him to point it out to me when I am being like that, because I am unaware of it and would very much like not to hurt him.

I hope my words are not too harsh, for I have done my best to be mindful of your feelings and be honest at the same time.

Hope you’re doing well…

Hi Helcat,

How are you doing?

Thank you so much for your patience. I’ve had so much on my mind but I can finally articulate and put down some of it. This is a long post. Sorry.

Personally, I don’t find you standing up for someone that your partner was making fun of to be a bad thing, even in front of family. I guess it depends on various factors. Culture, relationship with the individual being made fun of, how they were insulted etc. I’m not going to ask you to provide any more information because you are doing your best to be respectful of others. Thank you for being clear about that!

I’m going to trust your judgment when you say that this incident hurt your partner and he was right to feel that way.

About standing up for people… I know, right? I don’t like being made fun of… So I don’t either… especially of marginalized groups. But he wasn’t offended that I questioned his intent and talked about whether I need to make decisions about us. He felt insulted that I said it in front of his sister. That part I get. I should have talked about that privately.

It sounds like in arguments you’re much more in control of yourself than your partner and generally behave better.

I’m sure that you know there are some problems with his behaviour during arguments as you’re training to be a therapist.

Oh I don’t know about that really… I tend to get really passive when I’m mad. I withhold affection. I am not at all proud of it. And I hate doing it to my bf and am actively working on it. So I don’t know if I’ll say I behave better. I can be pretty egotistic too. I have my own set of flaws. But there’s things I do a lot differently than my bf. And I am aware they are problematic behaviors. For eg, he is really sensitive and feels attacked very easily, even when it is completely unwarranted. So even when I am sharing something with him, he feels attacked and gets extremely defensive and starts a fight, and sometimes it’s completely uncalled for. It stresses me out. When I share something that has hurt me or made me angry, he gets defensive to the point that he deflects blame, making his action somehow a reaction to something I did or invalidating me or even bringing up false equivalences. When I point out the false equivalences, after the fight is done, he does agree that they were false equivalences. Sometimes when I share things with him, he acts like I’m overreacting or being too sensitive, and I’ve often felt invalidated. That has made me not want to share stuff with him because I dont want to be invalidated all the time and am also trying to avoid conflict. I feel he just lacks empathy some times. And all this is draining for me.

The good thing is… when I pointed out to him that he’s been invalidating, he told me that he doesn’t like to be that way and wants me to point it out to him when he’s being that way. When he’s calmed down and vented after a fight, he does sincerely apologize for whatever I felt bad about and admits it was not cool of him to do so. He even asked me to let him know if I think he’s being abusive any time.

To clarify what you said about leaving is not a threat, or was said in the same way as your partner. But I would imagine that he would still take it as a threat and a trigger. He sounds very sensitive during arguments. I’m not trying to blame you, as I said before you were triggered by his comments about your dreams first. Just pointing out that this could have inflamed things for him. I can understand why you mentioned it, since clearly he does a lot during arguments. Which is something that he needs to work on because it’s not right. Have you asked him not to say this during arguments?

Yeah I think you’re right… He could have taken it as a threat. He does say it every time we have a fight. I’ve never really been triggered by it because I know it’s coming from a place of frustration and anger. But it does annoy me sometimes that he jumps straight to a break-up when we’re having a fight and have asked him that. Why he has to jump to a break-up the moment things get a little heated. What if I just yes let’s break up? What was he gonna do then? He said he just says it out of frustration and doesn’t actually want to break up. I believe that.

In general, I’ve experienced similar problems with my own husband during arguments. The arguing for ages. And occasionally he’s talked about leaving.

I thought the perhaps the reason my husband has occasionally talked about leaving could be helpful to know. He experienced trauma with his father who would talk about leaving his family behind. During periods of depression, especially when we’re going through hard times this is a trigger. It helps me not to feel hurt when he mentions it because I know that’s just him struggling with things. I don’t know if you’ve talked to your partner about it before? He could have his own reasons why this phrase keeps reappearing during arguments.

I don’t think he’s had any trauma surrounding this. From what I know, he’s had a pretty happy childhood. He’s had a wonderful relationship with his family and grew up in a warm home. If there is any trauma, I am not aware of it. You think I should ask?

The reason I got so affected when he mentioned leaving this time was because he said he’d leave and I wouldn’t even know about it. He’d just leave. That was somewhat similar to how my ex dumped me. He just decided one day he didn’t love me anymore and did not want to be with me. And he just left. My bf saying he’d just leave brought up those painful memories. And I told him that he’s free to leave if he’s unhappy, but I did not deserve just being left like that without a discussion or anything. To which he said he did not mean it, it was just anger, again after asking me to compare the seriousness of what I had said in front of his sister and what he said in anger (see the defensiveness?).

I’m really sorry he mentioned your father while he was drunk during an argument. That’s really awful. He may have done it because he was drunk. It lowers inhibitions and boundaries. There’s a good chance he may never bring this up during arguments when he’s sober. I would definitely shut down any arguments quickly when he’s been drinking because he could potentially bring it up again then.

I don’t know if it was entirely alcohol or a part of him too. But I agree that alcohol does play some role. The night of the fight related to his sister, he wasn’t drunk but he’d had a couple of glasses of wine. And I wondered if that’s why he got so mad. There’s another instance where he got mad at me for nothing when he’d had a few drinks. I am going to shut down arguments when he’s had drinks. That’s what I’d done when he’d mentioned my daddy. I was a little appalled that he was drunk and said that to me, and I said I will talk to him when he’s sober and hung up.

Can I ask how often you both argue? And how your relationship is outside of arguments?

We don’t argue that often actually. The frequency has gone down massively. It’s once in a few months mostly. Usually after we fight, once we calm down, we are able to have an objective conversation about it, where we share what we felt. No judgments. No attacking. It’s an open space. And we sincerely apologize where needed. It’s always brought us closer. He is actually a generous and very kind person. And he loves me very much and hurting me is the last thing he wants to do. That I know. And do not doubt one bit.

You mentioned feeling neglected because he would hang up on you mid call without saying goodbye to go hang out with other people? Am I reading this correctly? Did he change his behaviour when you discussed this? Is this something you discussed?

Not mid-call. Mid-chat. We’d be texting and he’d vanish for a few hours. I understand sometimes he falls asleep or gets called into meetings or whatever. But a lot of times it has been because he went out to meet a friend or someone came over or things like that and he did not think to just let me know he’ll text later. I found it very disrespectful and rude and told him multiple times. He agreed and has put in effort to stop that. And yes it has gone down. He has put in effort and it has gone down.

It definitely seems like you’re carrying a lot of pain of past arguments with you. Which is difficult because it’s a general rule for “arguing” in a healthy way to not bring up the past.

It seems like your bf feels very free to say what is bothering him freely, but it sounds like you hold back? And then those feelings linger and you’re still hurt remembering things from previous arguments.

I think you should probably discuss that you hold a lot of hurt from past arguments in at some point. As you said, you don’t really want to argue right now. It doesn’t have to be now and you don’t want to put a lot of stress on yourselves with more arguments.

You should probably try to discuss issues that occur close to the time. Like you did when he said that about your father. He was apologetic afterwards.

I don’t exactly hold back on my feelings, but it does take me some thinking and mental preparation, because I think he’s gonna fight and get defensive and the works.

I agree. It feels like I am carrying hurt and resentment from past issues. And I think it seeps into current issues. Even though he’s apologized about it. Do you think I have a problem letting go? I tend to ruminate too. So there’s another problem. How would you suggest I work on this?

Your partner did ask you to explain what happened for the argument to get so bad and what he could have done differently. Perhaps now things are calmer you can answer this question? It’s important to establish boundaries with arguments so that people know what is hurtful and they shouldn’t say.

I did talk to him about it over the weekend. I’d mentioned to him after getting back from the holiday that I wanted to talk about the fight, but then I fell sick and he was too, so I said we’d do it later when both of us were feeling better. He brought it up this weekend and asked me if I wanted to talk about it, I wasn’t going to, but then he said me holding back was affecting our relationship and behaviour,  so I thought okay if he fights we fight, but I will talk to him about it. I told him it was not cool to bring up personal stuff like my past relationship and my aspirations… And it did get how I had predicted… Deflection (blaming me and saying he was only lashing out and that’s what people do when they lash out) and invalidation (that nothing about me wanting to be a therapist was personal and everyone knows about it; the private thing I’d said about my bf was only to make a point). I stood my ground of course and told him it was not cool period. He’s told me his darkest secrets. Would it be cool if I brought those up or brought up his ex gf in a fight? Again… after I argued all this… He apologized… Tbh the apology didn’t seem sincere to me initially. Then I asked him if he’d feel safe telling me stuff if I threw it in his face during fights. He said he sees what I mean and it was not cool and he won’t do it again.

Do you find that you have difficulty with standing up for yourself during arguments?

One thing exercise that I found helpful for managing arguments is taking 5 minutes to talk each. And the other person has to listen quietly. Then you get to switch. For us it calms things down and it’s more of an equal conversation as opposed to a ranting for an hour situation.

I really want to say what I feel and stand up for myself. But I am anxious about fights and conflicts, so it does take me mental preparation. Fights usually go the way I described them and it takes a lot of mental energy. So many times I do not want to get into it.

I like your suggestion of taking 5 mins to talk each. Maybe we will give it a shot next time.

Sorry this has been such a lengthy post. Thank you for reading through it.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your insights. They’re very thought-provoking as always.

About me projecting my mother, I am going to ponder and reflect over what you said and see if I feel it holds true.

What do you suggest I do next?

Hi Anita,

Nice to hear from you.

No, I do not live with my mom. I’ve moved out. And to be honest, things between us are fantastic.

Hi Anita,

I’m so sad to read that you were exposed. But it’s great you didn’t fall very ill. Are you doing better now? I hope your family is okay too. My friend had contracted COVID last year, and it weakened his breathing and stamina. There are some yogic breathing practices that help strengthen them. You could try those. 🙂

It must be so nice to have snow where you live. It makes me think of dark chocolate bread houses covered with icing sugar. 😀 Though that much snow must not be a cake. It must be freezing. I’ve never seen snow. Once, I was on vacation with my family to a hill station that usually receives snowfall. That year it was delayed, and it snowed after we’d left for home. 😀

Thank you for all your advice. I’m not sure yet, but I want to start a new thread because then I get the insights of others as well. 🙂

(1) Resume your self-care practices: I am trying, yes. Journaling, meditating, yoga, neutral self-talk, eating my fruits and veggies, green tea and chamomile, everything.

(2) When you are home, cuddle with Lily, pet her, find comfort in her physical presence, and tell her hello for me!: I sure will! This is such simple advice. and so effective. I have 3 cats. 🙂 Lily does not like to be cuddled, but one of the younger ones does. I pick him up all the time, till he practically squirms to get out of my arms.

(3) It would have helped a whole lot if you didn’t live with your mother, and if you were not otherwise exposed to her, keep that in mind.: I have been speaking to my therapist, for help with this whole career shift. She agrees with me. If I am successful in this, touch wood, I will be moving out of my house.

(4) Stop scolding yourself, and whenever you feel guilty in regard to your mother, tell yourself that you are not guilty!: My therapist said the same thing! She literally warned me, saying that I have to let go of the guilt because I am doing nothing wrong. Have done nothing wrong. She said if I do not let go of the guilt, I’m setting myself up for serious depression in the future.

(5) Communicate well with your boyfriend, make the relationship a win-win relationship and find comfort in it: My boyfriend is amazing, and I’m really grateful for him being in my life. Yes, I do need to communicate better. We just had a fight an hour ago 😀 Tell me, do past relationships have an impact on the current one? I was in a very long relationship before this, and I cant help but be reminded of it when similar things occur in my current one. There are some parts of that relationship I hated, and I vowed I wouldn’t be like that again or would not tolerate it again in a new relationship. I tend to get really closed-up. I guess I am afraid of being vulnerable. This may affect my relationship badly, no matter how understanding my boyfriend is.

(6) Every morning when you wake up, set the intent to not expect anything, good or bad, from the day; instead, form the desire to find some interest in the day, something (anything) positively interesting to look forward to: This is some brilliant advice. I do tend to put a lot of pressure on myself… I also tend to get very overwhelmed, which spikes my anxiety. So I set very small goals for myself each day, instead of looking at the big picture.

Hope to hear from you soon…

Hi Anita,

You were absolutely right about the time and temeprature!!

Yes, I can think of a lot of lies and manipulations that my mother has subjected me to. Lies about our family, emotional blackmail and manipulations… My therapist had warned me not to let her get involved in my life, especially my personal life, as my mother is so anxious that she is incapable of thinking about anyone but herself, and she may engineer things that may affect my life drastically. So I do just that. Today, she asked me about my plans for marriage, and even though I do like someone, I told her I am not ready for it at the moment. She kept badgering me with the same question even after I answered it, and I lost my cool. I yelled at her, shouting, “NOT NOW! I TOLD YOU!” That was it. She has been crying all day. I apologized. And then she told me she is reliving past trauma. I don’t know what to do with that. There is nothing I can help her with if she won’t open up. I have stopped asking her as well. Then there is the cold treatment: no looking at me, no talking to me, acting like I am not even in the room… ughhh… My anxiety shoots right up when she does this. Knot in my chest and the intrusive thoughts and that demonic voice in my head… I can’t relax… This has been my whole childhood, and I resent her for it. Now, I do not have even basic compassion for her. Even when she cries, I feel no empathy or sympathy. I know it makes me sound like a terrible daughter, but what do I do? I just don’t feel it. I feel really guilty about this lack of compassion too, but I can’t help it.

My therapist had told me not to take this reliving trauma bit too seriously; it may just be another form of emotional blackmail. I am trying to do that. But it affects me. Seeing her so sad and her coldness towards me. I’ve had such a bad day. I simply dont get why she wont leave me be.

How is your weekend going?

Hi Anita,

So lovely to read from you as well….

Happy to know you got your thrid booster. I hope your arm feels better. I’m fully vaccinated myself and that sure does feel better. What with Omicron now, I wonder how much longer till this virus is just another one that only makes you sneeze and have soup in bed.

About my mother, I realize how exhausted I am. Trying to reach her, o explain, to get to know her, to understand her… is tiring. And I hav accepted that we are just not meant to be friends. And that is alright. I told her I will not try to communicate anymore. That I will back off now. I do not talk to her about my personal life; she betrayed me way too much to be involved in it now. I only talk to her about basic stuff. It is scary and I feel alone, but it is peaceful. I am trying to not need her validation anymore. I will try to move out soon too. Let’s see how that goes.

I am sorry to know you were affected by the floods. I hope you and your family are okay. We had a heatwave when we finally expected the weather to turn cooler. Western India is hot, and we eagerly wait for winter. Just when we thought we finally get to wear our jumpers, the weather turned on us. And then it rains. It’s like the weather can’t make up it’s mind. We keep winter wear, umbrellas and windcheaters, and summer wear all handy. It is funny. You are absolutely right. This is all a consequence of mankind’s carelessness, and I’m afraid it might just be too late to make amends.

I also wanna tell you… I went for a vacation this week. I’ve always been conscious of my body. But this time, I did not care about my stretch marks or belly rolls or cellulite or scars. I wore a bikini. I have never felt freer. It is a huge step for me….

Thank for your kind words…. 🙂

Hope to hear from you soon…