Hello David,

It could be that she is just stringing you a long. When someone likes you they will do anything to spend time with you. It could also be that she enjoyed the playfulness in the moment, but then realized that’s not what she wanted to act on. A really good top on understanding someone is to look at their actions rather than their words. It’s so easy to spit out words – practically free. However, spending time with someone requires more effort. For the male, he usually pays or does the initiating and sets time aside. For the female, she has to follow through, get ready and spend time. When you like someone you will automatically jump at the idea of spending time with them because it is most likely an enjoyable experience. It could also be that something else is going on in her life. However, because you have already asked to hang out on multiple occasions and she has ignored it – just stop. I suggest to Let things be how they are and don’t ask again unless she gives a valid reason for avoiding the question. I think a mature and serious individual who does not play games will be forwards in accepting or declining an invitation. To be honest people lead others on for their own thrill. Just leg things be and she if she asks you out or brings it up. Either give it sometime to see if things change or just ask her why she avoids the question and whether she is interested. That way you can get on with your life rather than play detective. When somebody isn’t playing games you won’t have to play detective or figure them out, they will be clear with their intentions. Best of luck to you.

Annie

Hello HaveLipsWillSmile,

I think you are doing a wonderful thing asking what you can do to support your partner. It seems as if you deeply care about him. Have you expressed these feelings to him? Usually, in these situations when a person is insecure,jealous, and self-critical they have been hurt a lot in the past. Maybe they had abusive parents or siblings or another figure in his life.

Personally, I don’t think you should jump around the topic and try to cover it up. What i’ve learned is that covering up the real issue can lead to miscommunication and even greater issues. For example, you try to tell him you weren’t being condescending and he feels like he’s the one who can’t do anything right. He may feel victimized or even attacked. If you care about someone and are willing to work on the relationship, then you have to give them constructive criticism. Instead of getting worked up time and time again and eventually becoming tired, you should let him know the truth. Tell him how you feel you are afraid of the way he will react when you speak and that you feel he is acting insecurely. It seems as if you’ve done your fair share of work to not let negative comments get to you, maybe you can share your experience. Usually, when people behave insecurely, out of jealously, or are overly self-critical they aren’t even aware that they are doing it. Their entire livelihood is spent being the helpless victim so how could they see a difference in what they’re doing? Ask your partner what it is that you can do to help him feel more supported, secure, and appreciated? What do you think?

On the opposite side, try not to make it your goal to “fix him” or get rid of his moodiness. Bring up the issue and there is work that he has to do on his own. What is this “knowledge” you wish to teach him?

Annie

Hello ajlewis,

I can relate to the sense of hopelessness that you may be feeling. If i’m not mistaken, you are saying that you’ve done everything correct in terms of remaining authentic, well polished, and open minded and yet nobody wants to be with you. Instead of asking what you have to offer, have you ever thought what others may be able to offer as a change? I’m sure you have a lot of wonderful things to offer, but different people have different needs. By “offer,” I don’t necessarily mean material things, but rather emotional support, respect, kindness, loyalty, and love. You say that nobody has an answer, but what is the real meaning of your question? Are you asking why you can’t find a partner because you have done X and Y? or are you saying I’ve done X and Y, so why doesn’t anyone want to be with me? or Are my X and Y good enough for anyone to want?

You feel like you’re stuck with a disease that you can’t get rid of and nobody seems to understand. You’re being over looked and passed by. It must be so difficult to live with these thoughts. I agree, being on the outside looking in we think that others have it easier than us or they easily get whatever they want. Although this is true for some people, most people are dealing with problems of their own whether that’s financial, family related, work related, etc..etc. Besides, one of the most valuable lessons in life for me has been to not compare myself to others. If we compare ourselves to others, we will always be disappointed and continue our negative thinking patterns. To compare Taylor Swift to a cashier is wrong. Taylor Swift may have worked really hard to get where she is, but she still had some luck and support from others. Whereas a cashier may not have has the same opportunities present that we present to Taylor Swift. For example, I can be sad that i’m not a model, but in all honesty being a model is out of my control because I would have to be born with a slim figure, beautiful hair, eyes, and alluring features. I would have to be discovered, otherwise I would have to be photogenic and go from shoot to shoot to make money. That being said, sometimes people like Taylor Swift and Oprah just get lucky, but if there were so many of us like them then they wouldn’t be “different” anymore. We are all unique and have different experiences, therefore we get to different places in our lives at different times.

You said “you’ve done everything right, followed all the “rules”, did everything you’re suppose to do, kept your act clean, kept your conscience clear and ended up with NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT.” Sorry to say, but there are NO rules for life. There is no right way to do it, no way to be perfect because life doesn’t come with a manual. The types of “right things” to do are merely set by society and vary from place to place. Trying to improve things over and over and over again is exhausting. Especially when you feel like you aren’t making any progress. Can I ask what you are trying to improve?

It must be so difficult to deal with life when we think it should be a certain way but isn’t going the way we think it should be going. I’m sure you’ve figured out that we can’t control the world around us. People, places, life, and everything else in the world is changing. Nothing is ever the same from one moment to another. What we can do is learn how to deal with the world when it’s changing on the outside. To have expectations is good, but we should learn not to get defeated when they are not met. Try to spend some time alone and figure out what the good things are about yourself. We may think others have it better than we do, but we can’t see their struggles. What do you think?

Annie

Hello b192,

You said were 15 when you began dating. Of course, we change so much through our teen years and even as young adults. We change throughout our entire lives, but our “young adult” years are where most of the change occurs because of college, education, family, level of thinking, environment, etc..etc. I do not believe there is “the one,” but we certainly have a choice in who we want as our partner. You said you feel empty, lost, and numb and lack purpose. This may have to do more than your relationship (your relationship is just a part of it). It seems as if you need to re-discover yourself.

To threaten suicide is abusive behavior. It’s controlling and manipulative to keep someone from leaving. You mentioned wanting a break because you have been together for so long, so, that may be a short term solution to figure out what you really want. It also seems as if you have lost yourself in the relationship because you don’t have any friends of your own. Staying in a relationship because you’re afraid to leave is worse than leaving. It’s also unfair to your boyfriend because he can go on and meet someone else who is a better match for him. Some relationships end abruptly and others drift apart over time. What do you think?

Annie