Hi Inky,

Thanks for responding. I am okay with leaving things as awkward. I’d rather not deal with it since I have nothing to do with him. I realized he didn’t play any role in my life. I think you are right about pulling rank. It may also have been a trick to drive us apart so that their relaitonship could go back to the way it was (where they shared all the details of their lives) or that they wouldn’t have roommate problems later on. Yeah, that sounds great. I still go to my boyfriend’s apartment, but completely avoid this person.

Yes, everything you have said has really helped me understand my feelings or at least to acknowledge that they are there. I have had some good people in my life, unfortunately, I could never trust them or be secure in my relationships.

…someone to SEE you, to mirror to you what you feel, to accept you for whatever it is you feel, to comfort you, to allow you a place where you feel safe to feel and to learn from what you feel about who you are and who other people are. Without feelings, with feelings repressed, there is no knowing but confusion.

These words carry so much meaning for me.

“Because you were punished for emoting, for feeling, you repressed your “weak” feelings and now you either don’t feel, don’t know what you feel or get overwhelmed with intensity of feeling.” You are right – I get confused all the time. I can never truly make a decision. I go back and fourth and continue to get hurt. I am still afraid to openly feel because I am afraid I may be criticized or judged for it.

Anita,

Thank you so much for helping me understand where i’m at. You are very insightful. You are right, I do not feel as if i’m seen for who I am. I feel as if some people (my ex) and my other friend at the time see me as a depressed, broken, unorganized girl and that’s all they see. When I have an opinion, this friend never let me voice it without putting it down somehow. If I talk about politics, then according to her I am not supporting women’s rights. You are right. I am afraid. I have always been afraid. When I was a child, I was afraid to be me. The sensitive me could never come out because we weren’t allowed to be upset or cry. Even when we were punished we were not allowed to cry or be comforted. Now, these feelings just seep out and erupt like lava from a volcano when I least expect them. It was very difficult for me to control how I expressed, felt my emotions so that they were not over whelming to myself or to others when I let myself feel. I had worked so hard to please everyone and be what they wanted, never being myself that I found myself not knowing who I was entirely. I will speak to my mother on the phone and never let on that i’m upset, she won’t even ask if I don’t say anything or sound off. I can’t fall Anita, there is nothing, no one to fall on. I am alone. At the end of the day, my friends have their own families, their own lives, and can only be there for me as much as they can.

When you wrote “What you need besides money is emotional comfort, someone to empathize with you, to tell you something like: I can see that you are afraid and hold your hand, smile to you in that accepting, approving way, tell you they love you and are on your side”, I cried because it was so true.

To my parents i’m the high achiever, the perfect child, with perfect grades, who will do whatever they want, who will be self sufficient emotionally and physically, who will figure out life alone, who will never need support, who doesn’t need empathy because that’s not how we become “strong”.

For some people, I’m just a doormat who they can dump their feelings on, their anger, and whatever manipulation they want because to them I need them and no matter what they do, I will forgive them. For others, I am just a happy person who makes jokes all the time and isn’t very bright. For others, I am bright and never make mistakes. For others, including my own mother I am someone who can be used for her own benefit, for money, for emotional support, for dumping, for advice.

For others, I am just a pretty face and nothing else, something they can use for their physical pleasure (in university). For others, I am a warm, funny, kind person and those are the people who make me feel good, but there are very few.

It makes me very sad that my good qualities are what have led me to be abused physically and emotionally time and time again. I am forgiving, empathetic, kind, compassionate, sometimes passive and other times assertive. I am assertive when my feelings are hurt, but after that I will apologize. I am the person who will take all the blame, but I will feel so badly about myself afterwards. I am very sensitive and it makes living in this world so hard.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by Annie.

Hello Anita,

Thanks for responding. I am a go getter meaning when I am interested in someone I will spark a conversation to try to get to know them, see if they are open to things. Hmm, I did ask him to get lunch, but he said he was busy this weekend. I think that he is not interested, but that’s fine. I will eventually meet someone else. 🙂 Thank you