Hi Tee,

I will read more in details but I would like to highlight just a point: we had a first 5h convo on the 8th of April, one week after the breakup because I thought he was cheating on me. Then we talked more about the reasons why he broke up. We both ended up crying him telling me he was scared to lose me becausz he was overthinking and me crying out of despairs lol

The second 5h convo was on the 20thish of Parils and it was about the issues. So basically on the 8th I wasn’t questionning him about the reasons why he broke up nor pressured him but simply explanations if he indeed cheated or not

I didn’t talk about how I interpreted his emotions and feelings with him. Actually every time we engaged into one of those convos about us, it was for me to set up boundaries. Cause as I told him multiple times, I trully wanted to respect his decisions and not overthinking about whatever. So if something felt off for me, I just needed to set up boundaries again. I don’t know if I’m more clear now..

And I don’t think he thought I would be made aware of all of this because he didn’t know his bestfriend and I were close friends lol

Hi Tee,

Thank you for your very long post. Once again I apologize for being so short in my answer right now, I am typying on my phone.

Just to answer quickly; yes there was those physical touches again and when he disappeared that wasn’t to be with her but because he completely shut down because of some issues  which happened and because of some talks we had me and him.

Then, about 2 weeks later, about the time he started seeing the other girl, you stopped seeing him around because he was spending most of the time in his room. I don’t know if you communicated via messages during that time?

Yes we did, because that was at that time I was made aware of what happened in his life and that he reached me out to ask for my advices and such.

But Tee, what do you think about him telling to his best friend during end of April/beginning of May/mid-end June (so multiple times) that he was unsure about the girl (+ my latest post), still held regrets about me? This is what kind of confused me tbh. Because I felt it would be either way biased for him since I said that I didn’t want t to go back with an ex and that we would have to say farewell in order to feel better

Hi Tee,

I am now on my way to Oxford, I am super excited to arrive on the campus!

However, this doesn’t mean that he wanted to pursue you romantically.

E-x-a-c-t-l-y. That was my point, me being supportive, me actively listening to him, as I told him, I didn’t get why he felt « threatened ». And this is what I told him, me being supportive and nice to him didn’t mean that I wanted more, cmon

Even if this were true, it would only be a proof of his troubled mind, because he is certainly not showing any interest in you when you meet him in person.

I agree here, I feel that it just shows how confused he is right now about his life in general and again, I can’t stress enough how glad I am to not be that girl with him in this situation. I mean, he is going to leave for Spain in litteraly 2 weeks and has no idea if he will come back before a long while here. If he can’t even say hi to me for whatever reasons, well it is what it is

but you’d like to be unforgettable, wouldn’t you? I wonder if there’s anyone in the world who prefers to be forgettable.

Honestly? No, really. Ever since I was a kid, I have had to face racism and sexism. Despite being socially part of the elitist world, being raised by a single mom made people asking questions out of curiosity. But those questions were very intimates and I never liked when I got questionned. Hence why I spend a lot of time avoiding people who try to ask me too personal stuffs. On top of that, my neurodivergencies hit pretty hard during middle and high school, being ADHD/gifted child made me do really good stuffs and I won some awares. But on the other hand, it made me feel extremely unadequates socially speaking among my young peers and they felt it.

So, to answer your question, no, I don’t want to be unforgettable, because I spent so many years dragging unwanted attention on me, people categorized me as special (in a good and bad way). When I was a kid and a teenager, I only dreamed of being normal, I only dreamed of a place where people wouldn’t look at me, where the spotlights were directed on everyone except me. Even now I wish my work would be indeed unforgettable, but I don’t want my face and my indentity to be associated.

I don’t see as something necessarily flattering when an ex-boyfriend come back, because to start off, I feel like it kind of proves my points from back in the days (which I obviously like a lot lol). And I don’t know, again, the past belong to the past. I was always clear with each of them during the breakeup: I don’t believe in rebound, been there, done that. It has never worked. For le going back with an ex once you have understood his mindset and his pattern, is like refusing your personal growth to happen, getting stuck in the past or whatever.

Mayyyybe it was indeed just a period of their life and now they are fixed, it could work better, I don’t know. As I said to the second ex’best friend, I know he is a genuine good person, although his life is such a mess that it makes him act in a way which makes him look like a trash (not only talking about me and him). Should we forgive someone we know is sincerely good on behalf of their life’s event? If you know that something very big is happening to them, is it really fair to ignore it and just categorize them as trash? It’s not about fixing them but rather understanding and accepting that life can be unfair and can turn a good person into an evil one for a while.

I don’t know Anita, all I can be sure is that I don’t have this luxury to wait for anyone, my life is moving fast, at this point it’s either follow me or don’t. But I won’t wait for sure

Hi Anita,

Thank you for this very long answer!

I don’t know if I wrote it in this thread but.. the first ex-boyfriend is trying to come back now haha. I am going to talk about it now because you mentioned him in your last message. We have been talking for a few days now and he told me really great news for him: he managed to pass all his exams and in September he will be in second year of his data science engineering program, on top of that he will move out from his parent’s place. We also talked a little bit about his depression, he is feeling much better now. Aaaaaaand.. he actually asked me out. Which I obviously refused. I think it’s very interesting and kind of funny to see him coming back after pushing me away for so long and making me go through emotional roller coasters for two years. I was so sure that he broke up because he didn’t have feelings for me and that he didn’t feel good enough to be in relationship Anita, to be fair I was almost sure he was actually gay.

Honestly, it feels kind of good to realize that me overthinking wasn’t that “much” overthinking and me imagining things which would please me more. I mean, I knew his depression was hitting really hard on him and it was affecting a lot his life, I didn’t know the extent of everything and I guess I will never. Anyway, the past is in the past. I am really glad that he feels better now and that he has finally a life he feels comfortable with.

When it comes to the second guy, I don’t think I am that far from the “truth” with him either. I mean, obviously there is a lot of overthinking because of me not being able to control my emotions and feelings. Although now I am finally back at having a better control over my emotions. I also know that his neuro-divergency plays a huge part in his relations in general, I can’t dismiss it but I can’t use it as an excuse or a shield to explain everything obviously. He never named it and his best-friend was actually the first one officially telling me that he was autistic. However, he told me many times that his ND made his brain working much slower than average and that people needed to be extremely patient with him, time being his best ally. In addition, I know his life is extremely messy, he confessed to me a lot of things about it. I know it played a huge part. We both deflected our own fears onto each others, not the healthiest way to deal with relationships indeed.

But I also think the line is extremely hard to find when it comes to dissociating ND behavior and regular behavior within romantic relationships, I got the proof with my first ex-boyfriend and I also got the proof with myself. Hence why when I am aware that the person in front of me is a ND and differently from me, I try to understand as much as possible.

When the second boyfriend told you that he was not attracted to you romantically, you refused to believe him and researched romantic attraction online, posting your findings here on your thread, arguing that he was (!!!) romantically attracted to you. In your message to him, you wrote: “I refuse to believe that you didn’t feel this flow and connection between us. Because it was as obvious as the nose in the middle of the face“- you refused to accept rejection and argued that you were not rejected! You asked a few times regarding the men who rejected you: “what is wrong with him?“, “what is wrong with them?“, all to deflect from your feeling-inside that there is something wrong with you.

Well, to be fair, I wouldn’t be questioning him not having romantic feelings if he hadn’t told me that he was scared for having lost me just because of his fears. Plus, a few weeks later he told me that he took decisions out of fears and was regretting them (we were talking about the two of us at that moment). And the main point of me questioning it, was obviously the reason he broke up: “I am happy with you, you are happy with me, we make each other happy, hence why I realized that I don’t think I could develop romantic feelings for you” ………. I would have accepted him not feeling attracted to me he had just said something like “yeah nah I just don’t feel like it” instead of this kind of argument. I mean, I can blame my first ex-boyfriend for everything I want but at least he was honest with me when he broke up: him not feeling ok, not feeling like it and not feeling “in love” with me or whatever he said, I don’t really remember.

Point is, if you are genuinely happy with someone, if you genuinely appreciate being with this person and their personality, doing regular couple-thingy with this person, I am sorry Anita, but I really don’t see thousand of other explanations for a breakup in this context mostly after such a short amount of time spent together as a couple.

The second ex-boyfriend at one point, told you that he did not want to talk with you about the past, and later, he did not speak to you at all, not even a “hi”. This is a clear post-break up rejection, yet you were not able to accept that he rejected you. You rationalize his rejections as non-rejections, as reaction not to you, but to his poor nutrition and poor mental health.

Ok so for the context, when he broke up, he insisted a LOT to keep in touch with me, he even told me “I totally picture the two of us in a near future, catching up once our lives will be on track”. Which I said, no, there is no way, if I wanted to move on and heal, I couldn’t afford to stay around him, because I did this mistake in the past and it never ended well and that we needed to cut the ties completely. The two first weeks after the breakup he was always around me and if during our first 5h of conversation I didn’t insist of the two of us taking our distance for my own sake, he would have kept being around me. I am not twisting the situation at all, this is what happened for real. I was the one who insisted to keep our distances in a first place, he didn’t take it well at all. I was ready to make peace with him and to talk to him again on a regular and normal basis because I also though that throwing away the bond we used to have, would have been a waste. On the other hand, I think I was having a hard time to let him go, deep down I know we both just wanted to be around each other. The simple truth Anita, is that we weren’t and aren’t on the same page. I think at the end, it is just what it is.

Now again, I am fully aware of his situation which I have to take into consideration in the equation; it would have been very easy for me to snap out the context around him and me and just take it as it would seem to be: me refusing his rejection because he didn’t feel whatever for me. That could have been the hard truth but with my first ex-boyfriend, now I am also learning that situations are more complicated than they are, time being indeed our best ally in every situations. I know that sometimes I took decisions which I wouldn’t if I had the opportunity to go back in time, just because I didn’t feel ok with myself, I know I hurt a lot of people because of my poor mental health in the past as well. And this is why I also try to understand people’s actions and behaviors, I don’t want to hold grudges or feel bad about myself or about someone else just because of unconscious fears from both sides.

Obviously I don’t take well rejection, to a greater extent than average for sure. But the two of them aren’t my first relationships and it wasn’t the first times I got dumped. Twice before, exes broke up with me. It wasn’t hard at all because I knew we didn’t have chemistry and on a regular basis, we didn’t necessarily match each other’s energy. I can feel when something is off between me and someone, like when you just don’t match someone’s energy and personality. I wasn’t looking for excuses to justify them wanting to breakup with me because I accepted that our personalities didn’t work together, they found some parts of me annoying and I found some part of them annoying too.

-this leads me think that the praising and the feeling of superiority for being a member of a social elite, these placed you on a higher elevation platform from which you fell each time you were criticized as a child (and each time you were later rejected in the romantic context). The falls therefore were longer and the crash at ground level was more painful than if you were not praised or thought of yourself as a social elite 

You know what? I’ve started to realize that I was being part of a different side of the society when I actually started to date my first ex-boyfriend. My reality has always been this glamorous and elitist one, everything I’ve lived so far, was completely normal. I mean, I felt something was off with me of course, but I didn’t understand it until my universe clashed with his. I think I wanted to date someone from a different world because of this feeling to be off with myself. Don’t get me wrong, I would never reject my life, I really love it and I would be a fool to say no to the chances I have. I don’t think I have a feeling of superiority,  otherwise my second ex wouldn’t have taken so long to realize that we were from different worlds. I mean, I guess that for many people I would look like someone who would look down at people, isn’t it the result of an education more than a trait of personality tho?

But I also have to be conscious that people react differently according to social differences, I don’t care about them because I’ve never been in a defensive position when it comes to this. So I am aware that I don’t understand how it feels and this is also what I am trying to understand, I can’t say to someone to snap it out and that money doesn’t count if you really appreciate someone. I have to be aware of the differences which exist between me and other people: not everyone looks like the people I use to deal with ever since I was a child. I have to adapt myself to the other because I would be a real piece of trash to ask everyone around me to adapt to my lifestyle while being now perfectly aware that I am extremely privileged. If I don’t understand and be realistic about myself, I won’t be able to understand why sometimes people don’t feel comfortable around me.

My closing words for this post: you are worthy of love, Anna! And you are good enough! Your mother criticized the child that you were because she (your mother) wasn’t good enough: a good enough mother would not have criticized a vulnerable child who needed acceptance and love, not criticism and who looked up to her mother for what she needed most.

Thank you for your words Anita. My mother is being an interesting case lately to be fair, she told me “I want people to take care of me” = undirectly asking ME to pamper her (!!!!!!). I don’t have time for this, I don’t want to give any single piece of energy to her, she has a man in her life, he is the one who should give her all the attention she wants, not me her daughter. When I told her about my job, she didn’t even congrats me, she only asked about the money..

Hi Anita and Tee,

I came back two days ago from my trip, it was really lovely and it felt so nice to be outside of my big town with my friends! We had an amazing time and ever since I am floating on a big chill summer cloud haha. I hope you had a nice week-end too wherever you are!

Before responding more in details to the both of you, I’d like to share some parts of the last messages I sent to him before blocking him from everywhere. I don’t think I was venting out, as I told him, the purpose of these messages was to simply clear out the situation and to be completely honest towards myself and him in a first place, never ever I wanted to make him change his minds and to create a rebound situation. Although, now when I read back, I realize that some parts of them were led by me being annoyed and extremely sad, hence I wasn’t as chill I hoped I would be. But eh, who could blame me to be emotive when the guy I used to have strong feelings finally admitted that he was dating someone else two weeks after breaking up with me out of fear?

Tee, you wrote to me:

As for him not being polite, not even greeting you but just staring at you, maybe he cannot or doesn’t want to pretend that he is fine, when he is not. If I understood well, your communication stopped completely when you wrote him a long message spilling out everything you had (I assume your outrage and disbelief about his actions), and then blocking him on social media. He probably didn’t take that well, even if what you said was mostly true. I imagine there is a mix of feelings in him: anger at you, a sense of embarrassment at himself, perhaps even hatred and disappointment in himself, combined with resentment towards you, perhaps also a sense that life in unfair etc etc…

There could be a storm of conflicting emotions inside of him, perhaps he isn’t even aware of all of them, and this makes him kind of stuck, like a deer in the headlights – frozen and unable to respond. If this is true – if he is an emotional mess right now and doesn’t know what to think or feel, it would explain why he can’t even utter a word to you. Or he might be resenting you for the things you’ve said – things that in fact might be true, but he doesn’t want to admit them. And so he “punishes” you with his silence.

“You always felt that you had to over-compensate with me, that you weren’t good enough, I know everything you did in order to please me, I also noticed every times you felt that you weren’t enough. On one hand, I am really flattered that you had such a high opinion of me. But also, I am really sad that you couldn’t see how much you brought to me, how much I just needed you in my life because for what you genuinely are. I don’t know what happened exactly in your mind back in the days (and again, it is what it is now). But I refuse to believe that you didn’t feel this flow and connexion between us. Because it was as obvious as the nose in the middle of the face. As hard as it is to believe, I promise you, I am not mad at you anymore. Really. My feelings for you came from those times together, talking to you, spending all this time together, gradually and then it became very intense. I am sad that it has to go that way between you and me. But you also really have to understand that when I think that actions don’t match words, I need to clear out the situation. What I saw, was us always in a way, ending up around each other. We both know that I was always the one coming to you ever since november/december. We both agreed that it would be better for each other to keep our distances. Yet, before one of your event, when we accidentally bumped into each other on a Wednesday, I quote unquote yourself « I was kinda hoping that you would talk to me ». I thought I was really ready to see and talk to you as if nothing happened, so here I was.

But then, I realized that I was still looking for you, I still wanted to be around you. It was not the smartest choice but it was the one which felt right. « I was avoiding you » you said earlier. No, let’s be real, none of us were avoiding the other. We both know how we are when we REALLY want to avoid someone. And, how can you feel that it would not bring any good to answer a simple supportive message yet thinking that staying around each other in real life was less dangerous? Why did you not push me away out of respect for her, as you told me, you did with her when we were together (IRL and not by messages obviously, at this point we didn’t talk anymore by messages)? Nothing happened back in the days with her, but me and you, that’s a different issue. And my issue with you is that none of us succeed to stay away from the other every time we had the opportunity for. It was NOT ok for us to do so (…)

So to be clear, I was mad at you because I never understood how one could jeopardize something which makes them feel genuinely happy. I was mad at you because I could sens your fears deep in my bones and that because it was YOUR fight, I didn’t have any right to say anything if you didn’t want to talk about it first. But never ever, I was mad at you for the way you are, I accepted you as the whole package. My sadness was about what I lost, you and these times together. I could sens you but well, i’m very communicative so I guess I just wanted for you to confirm what I already knew. I wanted to be with you, my feelings for you, it all comes from because you opened up about yourself, not only the brightest side of your personality but also your past, your scars, not because of the nice social picture you give to the crowd.

I told you, clearing out my minds from parasite thoughts is my way to get out from toxic behaviors and useless overthinking. You don’t owe me anything, this is your life and I am accepting that you didn’t want me to be part of it. I hope that someday, you will understand that being happy with someone and making this person happy, isn’t a proof of you being intoxicated by someone else’s feelings and emotions, but simply the mark of a deep emotional care. I will miss you, we were both chaotic, very dysfunctional but at the end, we managed to find our own form of happiness and it was really great. I sincerely wish you the best in your life.”

So I don’t know, to be fair, I feel like I was trying to make peace with myself and him through those messages. I mean, I wasn’t expecting anything in return: I blocked him right after sending it because I knew if I didn’t do it I would have been constantly sneaking in the conversation to see when he would has seen it and I knew if I had those kind of expectations, that would have been a very toxic behavior leading me to some very toxic patterns.

Now if I am being completely honest with myself, I have mixed feelings: I am disgusted to think of him dating the girl he told me to not worry about despite knowing that nothing happened when we were dating and understanding why he has been rebounding so fast. I am still a bit angry at him for breaking up while we were both so fine together. I also feel sorry for him because I am aware of his personal situation and I know it’s really bad which also kind of makes me angry at him, because he told me that he would rather stay alone as he wanted to before dating me because of this. Yet, he decided to date someone else two weeks after breaking up. And on the other hand, I can’t stress enough how I actually feel extremely lucky for not being part of this anymore. Apparently he hasn’t gotten out of his room for two/three days in a row now. Like, I will never wish him any bad, but I can’t stop myself to think that this girl he is dating and who has to support him and his mess, it could have been me and at some point I feel that it would have been so much worst than the situation I am now: grief is temporary and it will pass while getting dragged into his messy life, I really think would have hurt me so much more. Mostly when I think about my other ex who was depressive and to whom I stuck with out of duty and most likely out of emotional dependency. I got so damaged by this two years relations, I can’t afford to let someone else hurting me.

Hi Anita and Tee,

Thank you for responding to my thread and I apologize for being so late. I was having my graduation ceremony and as major of my year, I had to prepare a speech and I was helping with the preparations. In addition I was having an interview for a job: I am now the deputy-editor-in-chief of a European think tank. I am really looking forwards to this new experience.

I will respond later to your answers, because it actually helps me a lot to understand myself lately and I also needed time to process.

However I would like to come back to some events which have happened so far this week. Obviously I bumped into him many times and I even saw him with that girl I was talking about. Tonight I was at a party with one of his best friends. She told me that he was taking distance with everyone ever since he was “dating/seeing” her. Apparently he was kind of living with her and they kind of rebounded, I am not sure if I understood properly this part, because his contract with his room was over or soon-to-be, or something like this, they live together until he goes on vacations with his family. I also saw him a few times at the building of our associations, he was there from 12:00 to at least 7/8:00, obviously I wasn’t here all the time, but every time I went there, he was also present and always eating the stuffs from the association. So it hits me: he had absolutely no reasons to be present in this building, he was there because he could eat something. I am not sure to which extent his situation is bad, but when I saw him, he wasn’t doing good at all. It was really obvious. I am not saying he wasn’t feeling ok because of me, but it seems to me that his situation is kinda alarming if he is at the point of having to go to our association’s building to eat for free just because he can’t afford something decent. And having to live with someone you barely know just because you don’t have a roof above you is also a bit concerning no? As someone who still cares for him, I can’t help myself but feel a bit worried for him.. I mean, when I saw him today, he was really pale and skinny.