Hi mehatanatasha6,

How are you doing today? It is a very difficult time and situation. I am currently going through a period of uncertainty with my (former) partner who I love dearly. I acted out of character and spent time with another man. I didn’t cheat on my partner but I withdrew from him emotionally and sided with someone else. Some weeks have passed since things blew up and I have had a lot of time for reflection.The thing with giving things a bit of time and space is that you gain some perspective. I simply could not see the pain I was inflicting on my partner and all the people who care about us at the time – I was incapable of feeling it. However, now I am well aware of the pain and my own pain.

I have had a few partners in my life and I can tell you that it is a trick of the mind to think that the exciting, unreachable man is just what we want. When you get him the excitement wears off and you begin to see his faults – everyone has faults. Spend some time reflecting on the ways he has harmed you and those things that might not be so appealing. This is not to encourage you to hate him or be angry (this doesn’t help) but to put things in perspective.

In addition, we are often addicted to excitement and drama and play this out in our relationships. We want to be entertained but what gos up must come down and so we get into an exhausting push and pull struggle with someone, always competing for the power in the relationship. These relationships are not healthy. I’ve had a few. They are exhausting and painful. In the long run having a stable, supportive and simple relationship is far more enduring and helpful We all need support from others and a relationship can be a great source of this if you take care of it. Your husband sounds like a good man. Maybe you could attempt to work on your communication with hi, and guide him and show him what you need? Is this possible? Even clumsy, low-confidence lovers can become great lovers with tenderness, patience and guidance.

However, the biggest issue here is not the torment of not having someone you love or are attached to but rather the lack of our own self-love and self-respect. Currently I am really exploring this. I don’t want to rely on a partner for all my personal happiness – relationships change and they are impermanent (at least by death do us part). Therefore, they are always flavoured by suffering. The more we can realise this now and the more we can cultivate positive feelings of love and appreciation for ourselves, the less we will suffer when our partner leaves, dies or changes the way they relate to us. Keep reminding yourself of this.

Have compassion for everyone in this situation – your husband, your lover, his baby, yourself. You are all suffering in many ways and none of you really know what the other is actually thinking or feeling. The more you can imagine things from the perspective of the other people involved in this situation than the clearer it will become what the best course of action is.

I wish you great happiness and joy. May you swiftly find relief to your problems and find inner peace and contentment.

All my love,

Annaj